05 August 2010

I'm having one of those weeks where I feel like motherhood is swallowing me whole. It's inevitable, this losing of myself from time to time, in the land of little people and their intense needs. Olivia's illness has meant that I've only had one evening in the past week where I haven't held/nursed her all evening or fallen asleep putting her to bed. This has meant practically zero personal time in a week and that's just not good for the brain.

Sitting here trying to think of a blog entry for tonight I keep coming up with ideas about homeschooling or breastfeeding or babywearing and I want nothing to do with any of those things right now. And so I'm going to write about the things I love that have nothing to do with my kids. (Sending mental "Nya nya"s to Olivia as she sleeps in bed right now)

I love to read. My love of books took root early in my childhood. I went through the Black Stallion series, the various Sweet Valley books, and everything about Ramona Quimby. I moved on through Piers Anthony, Mercedes Lackey, and Jean M. Auel. I've also spent some significant time with Belva Plain and Rosamunde Pilcher along with Marion Zimmer Bradley, Nora Roberts, and Morgan Llywen. I've delved into some really fantastic non-fiction along the way, but there's something so truly satisfying in being swept away in a great story line.

Scrapbooking is also something I greatly enjoy. I'm not sure if I love poring over old photos or coming up with new layouts more. There's something very satisfying in pulling papers, pictures, and embellishments together to make a piece of art. I don't consider myself to be artistic, but when I scrapbook I feel like an artist.

Running is another "me" activity that I love. I love the aloneness of it, the quiet space that it carves out in my day where all I hear is my breath and the music coming from the headphones. The repetition of my footsteps is like a moving meditation and somewhere along my route my life all seems to fall into place.

Looking at these things and remembering how they make me feel leaves me feeling sad at how little they've been a part of my life these days. I've been reading very little, mostly picking away at The 7 Habits and reading short things online. I don't think I've scrapbooked in at least 6 months and I've only gone for a handful of runs so far this summer. It's so easy to let it all slide, to let the never ending work in the house take over during the days and then to have some brain-dead screen time once the kids are in bed and I'm too tired to do much of anything.

For someone who talks about balance and health I'm doing a darned poor job of living it lately! Sounds like I'd better do something about that...


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