Lum Love
A smidge over six years ago, Liam gave me my engagement ring. The telling of that story is a blog entry in itself but suffice to say that we each tried to out-trick each other and when all was said and done I had threatened to hit him and then I agreed to marry him.
In just over a month, Liam and I will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary and it's got me reflecting on our relationship. In some ways it feels like the wedding was just last year and yet in other ways it seems like we've shared far too many moments for it to have been a mere five years ago.
Way back on August 21 2004, I made a promise in front of God, my friends, and my family. I knew that I really couldn't fully grasp the depth of what I was getting into but I knew it was something I wanted to experience. I'd grown up under the umbrella of my parents' marriage and I'd watched a few friends enter into new marriages, but in order to really understand the magnitude of it I would need to experience it for myself.
Looking back, my relationship with Liam is and isn't quite what I expected. It's more about partnership and less about romance, more about giving and less about taking. There are more dirty socks on the floor than I'd expected, but far fewer fights that I'd feared. On our wedding day my mind was filled with bright images of our home, our children, and sitting together in our rockers in 50 years. The reality, though, is that marriage is a lot more about sharing the multitude of small daily moments and knowing that no matter what, there's one person who will be at my side.
We've been through some highs and lows I never could have predicted but I have never once in these years wondered if I made the right choice. Liam has become a part of my life and central to who I am as a person in a way I never could have imagined. I have a deep sense of fulfillment at the pleasure of sharing my life and deepening my relationship with such an incredible person.
As a total side note, Liam, next month when my brain is full of new mom mush I'm fully retaining the right to print off this blog entry. Otherwise you just might be met with "Uh, hey guy. Liam, right? Yeah! Happy anniversary. I seem to remember liking you.".
Posted by KimProbable at 8:07 PM
Ho hum
Waiting sucks. I'm not a particularly patient person at the best of times. When I get my mind set on something, I do it
now. So often in my daily life I have to tell myself to be more patient. Whether it's literally biting my tongue while Nick sputters and stalls his way through reading me yet another ridiculous story from his Ripley's Believe It Or Not book or standing beside the van while Lily scampers off to investigate the 3 million interesting things that must be seen before we can leave, I spend a lot of time trying to be more patient.
At least with the normal everyday waiting for things I can usually either foresee the end or at least actively do something to help things along. I can prompt Nick to pick up the story after he's muttered "Uhm, uh" or I can remind Lily that the sooner she gets in the van the sooner we can get to the park.
This waiting for baby thing though? Whole other ball of wax. There is no definite end date. There is no nudging or prompting baby to make the big leap. There is waiting. And waiting. And then waiting some more.
If I could go on about my daily life as usual I would likely feel much less impatient. As it is, I'm reminded every moment of the ginormous belly in front of me. My pelvis is doing something wonky the past few days and standing or walking hurt. As in getting up and walking across the house makes me cringe, hold my breath, and wish that I could pick up a bottle of spiced rum and numb myself to it all.
The kids want me to keep up to them with normal daily activities (which is totally valid considering that it's summer and they're kids after all) and I feel like I'm constantly disappointing them. No, I can't actually walk to the playground anymore. I can't help you to climb the monkeybars. I can possibly sit on the floor to play with you but I can't guarantee that I'll be able to get up again.
Baby, dear baby, come out. Your Dad wants to meet you. Your big brother and sister want to play with you. Your Mom wants to snuggle you and breathe in that intoxicating newborn scent. Your clothes are washed and in your dresser. Your cozy cloth diapers are all sorted and stacked. The new wrap sits quiet and folded, waiting to carry you around. The pool is filled. I'm trying to be patient and wait quietly, but you're more than welcome to come out any time now.
Posted by KimProbable at 10:43 AM
So there
As anyone who knows me will confirm, I can be a little bit strong-willed. And when I say strong-willed I mean stubborn. And when I say a little bit I mean very.
I think I could fill a book with my childhood memories that involve me digging in my heels and causing my parents grief, from the time I peed my pants because I refused to admit that I had to use the toilet to the time I pulled my dresser over on myself trying to reach my pants in the top drawer.
These days, I don't throw my attitude in my parents' faces. Well, not as much anyhow. No, these days I have a bigger influence in my life: Liam. Liam, my dear and loving husband who not only puts up with the fact that I will indeed cut off my nose to spite his face but seems to love me all the more for it.
Conversations such as:
"You should read this book. It's really good."
"F%#* that."
or
"You should bring some water with you on your run"
"You should mind your own damn business"
come to mind.
So when Liam tells me I'm a good writer and I should write more, I dig in my heels and ditch my blog for a year. And when he comes up with a really nifty idea like a challenge of blogging every day for 31 days, I refuse to sign up even though I think it sounds like fun.
Don't ask me to explain. It's just the way it is, and if Liam can put up with me then life is good.
(Yes, my dear Liam, this is me signing up for your challenge.)
Posted by KimProbable at 8:04 AM
Some thoughts from the doorway
I'm in a limbo, that vague unpredictable world of waiting for our baby to arrive. I'm now two days past my "official" due date, a number on the calendar I don't put a whole lot of stock in but which still served as a sort of compass point these past months. And so I sit and I wait. And my heart beats faster each time a contraction seizes me. And a not-so-small sense of disappointment settles upon me each time a subsequent contraction fails to materialize.
Emotionally, I have one foot in the "I can't wait to get this kid out and meet him/her" camp and the other in the "Birthing is huge. And kinda very intimidating" camp. Each day as I lumber around with all the various aching and stretched-out parts of my body hoping for relief, but then my mind tries to figure out how I'm going to cope with caring for a newborn on top of my full days. Baby come out. Baby stay in!
There's something very divisional about pregnancy in general. Throughout the 40 (or so) weeks, there's a part of my attention that's always focused inward at the growing person inside me. The awareness of the early flutterings and the later lurching rolls and kicks pulls on my mind while I'm driving, parenting, reading, eating. Always there's this split between the outward world and the private connection between baby and me.
Also, there is the further division of me as a mother. Four years ago I learned how to make the transition from being the mom of one to the mom of two. I'd never imagined that so much conscious effort would go into the daily balance of my energy between parenting both children. Now, already, the two older ones are sharing me with the baby as my energy drops, my patience shortens, and my ability to focus on nurturing them is cut back. Soon I'll be figuring out how to juggle caring for a baby while homeschooling, a process which I'm sure will be ongoing.
When Liam's mom passed away this winter I found myself in the midst of another type of divided awareness. Within me there was a new life, a growing spark. Around me was the suffering and an ending of a life. It was an intense situation and the loss of one so loved made the potential life expanding inside me even more precious.
I sit here in the doorway, looking back and looking forward and wondering when I'll get to pass through. I'm used to making plans and decisions, and this inability to say to baby "OK, today is the day you're born and this is how its going to go," is hard to accept. But maybe that's the point and maybe that's the lesson I need to learn before I get to proceed...
Posted by KimProbable at 9:48 PM
Top 25
It's like a top 10 list, only there's 25 because I thought it would be a fitting celebration of the 25 lbs I've lost.
Why I like to run (
AKA Why I don't stop when it hurts):
1. Weight loss. 25 lbs gone proves it works!
2. Leg muscles. I've got buff calves now, dude.
3. Running away from home. Running time is often my only alone time during the day.
4. Clothes shopping. I get to buy new stuff when my pants are falling off of me, and it's actually fun for once!
5. Running buddies. I run with a clown. Seriously.
6. More energy. I can almost keep up with the kids now.
7. Better overall muscle tone. I ache less now and my back is mostly happy with me these days.
8. Achieving goals. There are few things as satisfying as setting out to run 16K and coming home alive.
9. Mental clarity. Running makes my brain work better.
10. Improved mood. I'm happier now and feeling really good about life.
11. Runner's high. It's so goddamn addicting.
12. Better food choices. Running forces me to plan out my eating and I automatically make better choices on what I put in my mouth when I've worked so hard.
13. Setting an example for my kids, both of personal fitness and of self-care.
14. The big race day. My half-marathon next month is going to be a highlight of my year.
15. Liking myself more. I like the running Kim a lot more than the out of shape Kim.
16. Improving my health, especially in regards to my genetic predisposition to diabetes and high blood pressure.
17. I get to play with my Garmin! I beat that sneaky little Virtual Buddy this week.
18. I get to listen to my own music without having to turn it down every three seconds so I can hear why the kids are arguing.
19. Less PMS. Need I say more?
20. I have a good excuse for spending more time outdoors, and running in the mountains this summer was amazing.
21. I get to wear my cool new shoes. They're shiny and purple!!
22. I can now carry laundry from the basement up to the top floor without feeling like I'm going to die.
23. Watching my times improve each week.
24. A good run can fix a bad day.
25. It feels so good when I stop.
Posted by KimProbable at 10:30 PM
Updates updates updates!
So since I've harassed Erron about not reading my blog I feel like I should actually post an update. Then it might actually be worth checking in!
First news, since I left things hanging in my May post, is about running. I'm still running and I'm running lots. I usually get in 5 runs each week and my long run this weekend is up to 16K. The enormous distance of 21K is almost within reach! The problems I was having with my right leg faded away with a lot of thanks given to the break I took in Chicago. Running only one 2K run in 12 days wasn't lazy, it was recovery time. Really!
Now I've moved on to a different leg and different pain. I've had a nagging ache in my left calf that some days keeps me from running or even walking normally but on other days seems to be non-existent. After getting really frustrated with dealing with this and wondering if I'd ever make it to my half-marathon next month I decided that it's mostly just a mental thing and I need to tell it to stop. It's another roadblock to my goal and I don't want it in my way. So, when I run I tell it to relax and loosen. When I'm sitting on the couch and it spasms I tell it to be quiet because it's not getting in my way. When I walk and it makes me want to limp I tell it that walking straight will stretch it out. And so far it seems to be working, in conjunction with ice baths after each run. Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've sat in a tub full of icy water.
Going hand-in-hand with the running is the continuation of my weight loss. I'm down 20 lbs since this winter and it's really quite nice. These past four weeks I've actually hit a plateau on the scale but I'm seeing a drop in inches so I know I'm still losing. Liam keeps telling me I'm gaining muscle and I just pout that my mental health needs to see the scale budge. I've been wearing clothing I haven't been able to fit into in quite some time though so there are definitely some perks to literally running my butt off.
My other running-related news is the recent acquisition of a Garmin Forerunner 305 with a heart rate monitor. I'd provide a link but I'm too lazy but you can Google it if you want to see a picture. Basically, it's a GPS wristwatch device that I strap on at the start of a run and it tells me how I'm doing. When I get home from my run I plug it into the computer and I get a fantastic readout of my heart rate, my distance, my pace, my elevation, and some other things I'm forgetting right now. There are lots of nifty features I haven't used yet such as programming in constructed workouts (like intervals or tempo runs) and the racing a virtual buddy thing. It's been really encouraging to have the instant feedback on my runs and to monitor my pace and heartrate as I'm exercising.
And in other news...we're finally spending time at home! Between a trip to Chicago, spring camp, camping in B.C., soccer season, rugby season, and my running we haven't been spending a whole lot of time in this building. I've really missed home. I've missed those spring evenings of playing with the kids in the backyard until they're covered in dirt and too tired to argue about bedtime snack. I've missed the sitting in the kitchen and doing crafts and the playing games with the kids instead of keeping them occupied while I get stuff done. Spring is always busy for our family but it seems like this one was even more so than normal, which is odd to think about when you consider our unschooling lifestyle. Or then again, maybe it's not.
I'm sure there are a million other little updates to post but I won't bore everyone with the details about moving furniture or trying out new recipes. Suffice to say that I am indeed still alive, still doing well, and still not blogging regularly.
Posted by KimProbable at 10:39 PM
Here and Now
The moments flow, one sliding into the next.
Moments of joy.
Moments of tenderness.
Moments of fury so great they take up the whole world.
Reading stories on the couch,
Getting lost in worlds and times far from here.
Walking in the warm afternoon sun,
Going wherever sidewalk leads us.
Following threads of imagination
Into those places children sometimes let us witness.
Watching their little bodies sprawled in sleep,
Hardly able to bear their beauty.
Right here, right now.
Posted by KimProbable at 3:15 PM
