Open letters

It's open letters day at the Johnstone house. And, since I'm currently the only Johnstone home (besides the baby who can't type very well through my belly) I'm the one writing the open letters.

To my neighbor's cat:

Shut up. I've fallen asleep and woken up for the past two days to the sound of your howling. If you're in heat, get laid. If you're just being a pain, I'm going to get out my spray bottle and hunt you down. Enough already. Tell the same thing to that other cat who was out there with you this morning.


To my unborn child:

I know that I've made mention throughout this pregnancy that I don't want to go past my due date, but please don't take that to mean that I want you to be born extremely early either. My parents (your grandparents) are going to be on the other side of the country for the next four weeks and I DO NOT want to give birth to you without my mother being somewhere nearby. I need her for both me and for Nicholas. Four weeks will bring us to 37 weeks. You can hang on that long if I can.

To my house:

Do you suppose there's a button somewhere around here that puts you into self-cleaning mode? Kinda like an oven...? No? Damn.

That is all for now. Thank you.