Nicholasisms

My kid is fun. He is, by far, the most entertaining person I've ever met. In order to make the world a brighter and happier place, I thought I'd share some of his quotes.

"It hurt like ten elephants. Dead."
- This is an old one. I think it was a little before his 4th birthday.

"Help Dad! Thanks Liam!"
- All said in one breath. Liam will "rescue" him immediately if he calls him Dad, but Nicholas apparently doesn't want to use this term any more than necessary.

"Transformers. Mordent meeds in dyes."
- His attempt to sing the Transformers song.

"My skin is pink because of Piglet."
-He meant pigment.

"I don't want to ask for something!"
- He was pulling a double 4-year-old moment: eavesdropping on an adult conversation and disagreeing with everything he heard.

"You're my favorite person in the world."
- The most beautiful words in the world. He tells me this every day.

"You'll be able to run faster once you get rid of the baby, but you still won't be as fast as me."
- No explanation needed.

"You put one two nurses in there."
- His reply (at age 2 I think) as to what a bra is for. He used to call my boobs my nurses. The poor messed up breastfed boy.

"God makes the baby invisible and when the mom isn't looking he drops him in her mouth."
- His explanation of how babies get inside of moms. We've since had some talks about the birds and the bees.

"There is summer vacation because during the summer God rested from all his work."
- apparently his version of the story of creation. Uh huh.

Me? Nosy?

This afternoon we received a phone call from our new neighbors (the Leddys for those not in the know) to alert us to the fact that there were police down in the parking lot. Being nosy, I went to the kitchen window, but saw only one police car with nobody in it. Since it sounded like there were gobs of police out there, I sent Liam, and then Nicholas, up to the bedroom to see what they could see (...the other side of the mountain...?). Unfortunately, all they could see was the single police car.

That wasn't good enough for me. I needed to know what was going on. At one point, I wondered if I was curious because I worried that my personal security was at risk. But no...I just wanted to find out what was happening because of a general lack of excitement in my life (Sorry Liam, nothing personal.)

Anyhow, I was suddenly struck by the idea of sending Liam down to the dumpster with some garbage, using that as a pretense to be walking around in the parking lot. I grabbed the nearest reasonably-full garbage can and pulled the bag out.

As Liam walked outside, he pointed out that if something was actually happening out there it might not be that safe for him.

"There could be shooting," he said.

I came back with "There are police out there."

"You know what police have."

"Yeah," I said "They have good aim. Go!"

So, dutiful and indulgent husband that Liam is, off he went. As I waited at the gate for him I started to feel guilty. What if something did happen? Would I be able to live with the guilt? How would I raise two children on my own if he was gone? On and on my over-emotional hormone-induced thought process went.

Then Liam was back. He shrugged and said "There's only the one car."

Hhmph. All that excitement and then guilt over nothing.

Liam had found some pieces of glass on the ground so he headed back down to the dumpster again to throw them out. Just as he headed down one set of stairs, Krista came up the other set. She was carrying the Christmas lights they were giving us and a movie they had borrowed, both of which I'd forgotten to take home last night. Within a couple of seconds, she revealed that there was no hurry to drop these items off, but she was curious to see what was going on in the parking lot.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one covering up my nosy-ness with fake reasons to be walking around the complex. I'm also glad that I'm not the only one to feel so disappointed at it turning out to be nothing at all.

Open letters

It's open letters day at the Johnstone house. And, since I'm currently the only Johnstone home (besides the baby who can't type very well through my belly) I'm the one writing the open letters.

To my neighbor's cat:

Shut up. I've fallen asleep and woken up for the past two days to the sound of your howling. If you're in heat, get laid. If you're just being a pain, I'm going to get out my spray bottle and hunt you down. Enough already. Tell the same thing to that other cat who was out there with you this morning.


To my unborn child:

I know that I've made mention throughout this pregnancy that I don't want to go past my due date, but please don't take that to mean that I want you to be born extremely early either. My parents (your grandparents) are going to be on the other side of the country for the next four weeks and I DO NOT want to give birth to you without my mother being somewhere nearby. I need her for both me and for Nicholas. Four weeks will bring us to 37 weeks. You can hang on that long if I can.

To my house:

Do you suppose there's a button somewhere around here that puts you into self-cleaning mode? Kinda like an oven...? No? Damn.

That is all for now. Thank you.

The night of the cashier

Liam and I were kid-free last night (other than the currently non-disposable child) so we spent some time away from home. For anyone who knows my life, this is a big thing. Yeah. Anyhow, we first went to the off-leash area to walk Jack and attempt to wiggle some of the stiffness out of my back. It was a great time between the beautiful sunshine, the oh-so-cute dogs, and the great company.

On our way home, we decided to have a movie and junk food night. Mmmm. We stopped off at Rogers Video and when we entered the door we were greeted by the most bubbly and high-pitched hello I've ever heard. Uh huh. I should have run away then. During the 15 minutes or so that we browsed movies, she kept getting more giggly and high-pitched. It was painful. I heard her get so excited over trying to sell a guy some candy that she tripped over her tongue, burst out laughing, and had to start the whole speech over again. By this point, my ears were bleeding.

There was also the incident of the beeping phone. A cordless was left on and, as phones tend to do when ignored, started beeping. She jumped back and forth between the till and the phone like a jittery chicken, exclaiming "The phones are going crazy! The phones are going crazy!". No, sweetheart, they're not. One phone needed to be turned off. Maybe they shouldn't be leaving you alone out front yet.

By the time we made our purchase, the poor girl was almost vibrating with enthusiasm and her voice had reached dog-pitched tones. After stumbling through our sale and backtracking on what she was doing at least twice, she managed to ring it through. I think she giggled at least five times before asking us for our money. When she went to hand Liam his change, a penny went flying and she burst into giggles again. She finally managed to pick it up and shove the money into Liam's hand.

By the time we made it out the door, I was dying. Not figuratively, but literally. I've never had such a painful shopping experience. And no, I really don't think it had anything at all to do with the fact that I'm incredibly bitchy lately and can't stand people. Pregnancy hormones are my friend. Really.

To change it up a little

Since my last entry got eaten by Blogger, here's a different type of post. Hopefully the high-powered crap editor will leave it alone.

I love my kid. Really, I do. I kiss and cuddle him all the time and tell him at least 100 times a day how much I love him. I miss him when he's away and I come close to crying when I think about him starting kindergarten.

Sometimes, though, I just want to put his head under the couch and leave him there.

My son talks. And talks and talks and talks. I guess it's normal for a 4 3/4 year-old, but it drives me to the brink of insanity after a few hours. It's worse these days because he's totally gotten back into the why stage.

Example:

"Why doesn't the toy work?"

"Because it needs a battery. It takes button cells and we don't have any."

"Oh. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why don't we have any?"

"Because I haven't bought any."

"Why haven't you bought any?"

"Because I haven't gone to the store yet."

"Oh. Why haven't you gone to the store yet?"

And on and on and on. If why's don't work anymore, he switches to how's.

The other day we had the most ridiculous conversation in the history of the world. I was reading him his book about sharks and it got to the part about how mothers will sometimes eat their young.

"The pups swim away quickly in case the mother is hungry."

"Why would she be hungry?"

"Because she needs to eat."

"And who would she eat?"

"Her pups."

"And why do they swim away?"

"So she won't eat them."

"Oh. (long pause) Why hungry?"

"What?"

"Who?"

"What?"

"What?"

At which point we were left sitting there staring at each other.

He's a smart kid. He can count to 100 (with a bit of help), knows his alphabet, does simple addition and subtraction, and has even started to sound out words and read. He just doesn't listen when I talk and so comes accross as being incredibly dim-witted at times. Maybe he's been spending too much time with his Dad...

Will it never end?

The next time I say I'm going to state 100 of anything, someone smack me. Seriously.

36) I've owned five dogs in my life. Skunky (a black and white terrier), Lady (a Cocker Spaniel cross), Oliver (world's grumpiest dog ever), Riley (the summertime Lab), and Jack (a black and white terrier). I've come full circle.

37) As opposed to what my dear son may think, I prefer to use the bathroom alone. I have this strange notion that it's a time for quiet solitude, not conversations about Pokemon or Sponge Bob.

38) I've never been to Europe, and I'll be an extremely grumpy old woman if I never get to go. (There's a subtle hint for you Liam)

39) I love my husband. I'm also in love with him. I think they can be very different things.

40) On the topic of Liam, I love the way he stutters and stumbles through what he's saying when he get's very animated. It's cute. I try not to laugh out loud, but usually fail miserably.

41) I lost my high school grad ring. I regret it, but now I wear my college grad ring anyhow.

42) I think I'm right all the time. Just ask Liam.

43) I know how to throw a football, sort of. I got Liam to teach me and yelled at him every time he offered me advice.

44) As a follow-up to #43, I hate not knowing how to do something. It makes me feel dumb and I don't deal well with that.

45) I watched "Sixth Sense" 5 years ago and I still get scared from it sometimes. Dead people creep me out.

46) I like blue. It's pretty.

47) My feet are now so swollen that even my sandals are getting too tight. This didn't happen last pregnancy. It's not fair. Somehow, I'll find a way to blame Liam.

48) I can play the piano a bit. I took lessons for two years and I play a bit now and then.

49) And now for something I'm sure none of you really want/need to know: I've gone from a C cup to a D cup. Jugsy Johnstone indeed.

50) I've lost my kid twice. Once in Walmart and once in Costco, for a total combined time of something like 2 1/2 minutes. These have been, by far, the two most frightening experiences of my life. Yes, even more so than dead people.

And still more

26) I have a tattoo of a vine on my ankle that I got when I was 18. I've recently had thoughts of adding to it, probably something along the lines of a flower for each family member.

27) I technically have 6 piercings in my ears, but I think 3 of them have grown in so much that I can't use them anymore. I wear earings only a few times a year anyhow.

28) I'm allergic to penecillin and possibly codeine. Penecillin gives me rashes and codeine makes me puke repeatedly.

29) I have one sibling, a brother who is 28 and lives in Vancouver. He's getting married next year.

30) I own a cat named Mouse. He was born in what is now the back entrance to my parents' house 14 or so years ago. He lives with my parents and annoys the hell out of them.

31) I have an unhealthy fascination with chocolate. If it's there, I can eat it until I make myself ill or it's gone, whatever comes first. Just ask Liam about the bridge mixture.

32) When I was little, my brother used to call me Fungus Ear. I had near-constant ear infections, and the doctor had said something at one point about it being a fungus or something. The details are fuzzy now, but my brother got the desired reaction over and over again.

33) When I was young, I couldn't say Trevor (my brother's name) so I called him Coco instead. I still bug him with it from time to time.

34) My kid tells me every day that I'm his favorite person in the world. I can't ask for much more than that.

35) I love coffee. I quit when I was pregnant with Nicholas and managed to stay away from it until I started dating Liam. This pregnancy, I've managed to keep it to a few cups on the weekends. Coffee, at a certain temperature and strength, is the deitary equivilant of sex. Mmm...coffee.

Getting to know me...more

To pick up somewhere near where I left off last time:

16) I get totally weirded out when the baby kicks. I've been feeling movement for something like 15 weeks this time around, and I felt Nicholas dancing up a storm last time around, but it's still creepy on some level.

17) When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be a teacher. I don't know what happened to that idea, but I think I may have realized that I couldn't stand other people's children for that many hours each week.

18) When I was in junior high and high school, I wanted to be a vet. I ended up dropping out of Physics 30 when my mark dipped down to 40% or so, and I gave up on that dream.

19) I own a horse. I bought her when I was 14, and I paid for her with my babysitting money. Saving $2000 takes a long time when you're 14.

20) I'm now selling my horse. I haven't had the time to be serious about riding since before Nicholas was born, and with a new baby on the way things aren't really looking up in the equestrian part of my life. It's taken me 2 years to come to grips with the fact that I need to sell her. She was my first "baby".

21) I don't wear my wedding rings or my grad ring when I'm at home. I blame it on my puffy pregnant fingers, but I took them off quite often before I was pregnant.

22) I paid my parents $1 for my first car. It was an Olds Omega that I named Casey. The radio only played karaoke style on FM, the rear defrost button worked one time out of twenty, and there was a Green Swamp of Death on the passenger side floor. I sold it to a Newfie for $300.

23) I thought Nicholas was going to be a girl. His name was going to be Danika Marie.

24) The first time I met Liam I was 6 months pregnant with Nicholas, and Liam couldn't tell that I was pregnant. I thought he was a knob. Cute and interesting, but definitely a knob.

25) I once stole a toy from my nursery school. It was a little plastic lamb that all the kids wanted to play with. I stole it so that I could have it to myself, but forgot about it once I brought it home. I found it in a drawer years later and threw it out.

Getting to know all about you

I saw this somewhere and I thought it was cool.

Here are 100 things about me. I'm doing this in installments, because as cool and interesting as I am, even I don't feel like talking about me for that much time in one day.

1) I've gone to school for a total of 19 years: 2 of kindergarten (gotta love being a January baby), grades 1-12, two years at the British Columbia College of Equine Therapy, and 3 years at Grant MacEwan in the Holistic Health Practitioner program. I'm mega-smart now...and I'm a stay-at-home mom. Yeah.

2) I don't have a gall bladder. I had it removed when Nicholas was a week old after having attacks throughout my pregnancy. Labor was more bearable than gall bladder attacks. Ick.

3) My parents have been married for almost 31 years. I think that's pretty awesome. Hopefully Lumpy and I will make it at least that long!

4) My favorite authors include Rosamunde Pilcher, Belva Plain, Robin Hobb, Tanya Huff, Robert Fulghum, Mercedes Lackey, Morgan Llyweyn, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Caroline Myss, and Gary Zukav. Yay books.

5) I hate melons. Of any sort. They are the devil.

6) Continuing on the topic of missing body parts, I have had 8 adult teeth removed: all 4 wisdom teeth and all 4 eye teeth. On the plus side, my teeth now all fit into my mouth properly (with equal credit given to my orthodontist). On the minus side, I will never be a vampire. *sigh*

7) I seem to like September due dates. My first baby was due September 27, 2000. My second baby is due September 9, 2005. I also seem to like being pregnant in the summer. Really.

8) I'm an Advanced Reiki Practitioner. That means I was attuned three separate times, and, according to Jason, give strong Reiki Soup now. Mmm...soup.

9) I breastfed my son for a total of 2 years and 10 months. Yes, I'm one of those mothers. Don't get me started 'cause I like to talk.

10) I've been in three wedding parties in my life. I was flower girl for my uncle's wedding, maid of honor at my friend's wedding, and bride in...well, my wedding.

11) Although I like to think that I live my life without regret, sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock for an instant and hit him back. Just once. It would be incredibly satisfying.

12) My baby toes don't touch the floor when I stand. They're puny. Apparantly it's a hereditary thing.

13) I despise nail files. The sound of nails being filed sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me.

14) I've been growing my hair out for 4 years and it's still not long enough. There is no pleasing me.

15) I believe there's much more to the world than what we see. I've had conversations with trees, no matter what Liam says.

And that's my bit for today. I feel like I know myself oh so much more already. Go Kim!