Here are some words of advice to the world.
To my idiot neighbors: It's probably really not a good idea to have drunken idiots pissing on your front lawn at 11:45 on a Sunday night in the middle of an extremely loud party. It's makes for angry neighbors. When one of those grumpy neighbors happens to be a hormonal pregnant woman who feels like she's going on her second straight week of extreme PMS, you risk having heavy appliances thrown at your soft skulls. Screw you for waking me up.
To my kid: When I say that 6 am is too early to get up, you're better off just going back to sleep. Wiggling your toes on my bare ass isn't likely to wake me up happy. There's a reason why I'm now grumping around the house. Right now it involves above-mentioned idiot neighbors and your early-morning ass-poking. And it's only 8:29 am. It's got to go up from here. Right?
To my unborn child: I realize that I said I'd never again complain about you kicking because of the scare last week, but give my bladder and other internal organs a break. Seriously.
To my husband: Be glad you're a 20-minute drive away from me this morning. You may want to buy a pillow and some supper over your lunch break.
On that note, I need some coffee and the woods (the leafy type, not the Etsell).
My Name is Not Megan
1 month ago