To the old fart

So, with two hours to spare I'm managing to sneak this blog entry in. I realize Liam likely won't see it until tomorrow, but I'll still have posted it on the right day.

Without further ado...

Happy Birthday Liam!!!

That is all.

I'm a what??!

I'm a La Leche League Leader.

Yikes.

For those of you asking "A La Le-what-a?", I've become a Leader in a breastfeeding support group. La Leche League is a worldwide organization which offers mother-to-mother support. There are monthly Series meetings where information is offered and mothers are able to ask questions. Leaders are also available by phone and sometimes by e-mail. Some Leaders even offer home visits or do presentations such as for nursing students.

I was asked if I would like to become a Leader about a year and a half ago by a family friend who led the LLL meetings I'd attended when Nicholas was younger. Lily was brand new at the time, but Fiona (my friend) ensured me that there was no rush to complete the Leader Applicant work.

So, here I am, 15 months after starting all the work it took to get me here and I'm very excited. I believe very strongly in the need for the role LLL plays. There's so much information (and mis-information) available to parents these days both in print and online, but there is very little out there for personal support. LLL Leaders are all volunteers who have breastfed their children and who work hard to provide their help to parents.

My experiences as a LLL member have been wonderful. The first meeting I attended was when Nicholas was 4 weeks old. I didn't know anyone who had breastfed their children and I was muddling my way through. We'd had a rough start with breastfeeding and it took us a full 6 weeks to really figure things out. With the help of Fiona and other mothers who attended the monthly meetings, I was able to overcome various obstacles and continue nursing Nicholas well into toddlerhood. Having a group of women who were also breastfeeding was a key factor in the success of our breastfeeding relationship and I'm forever grateful for that.

So, now I'm coming at LLL from a very different angle and I'm sure I'm in for a whole new adventure. I'll be leading my first meeting in two weeks and I'll be taking phone calls from mothers starting either in May or June. Part of me feels confident in my ability to answer questions that will be asked of me, but another part of me just wants to hide behind my Breastfeeding Answer Book!

Teehee

Lily is become quite the amusing toddler. She told her second joke today and it had Liam and I in stitches. She decided when she woke up that she needed to be totally naked, so Liam came home from dropping Nick off at school to find a naked baby running around our bed. She loves getting knocked down on the bouncy mattress, so he pushed her and she landed on her butt. She started laughing hysterically and yelling "Bum! Hahaha! Buuum!!! Ha!" like it was the funniest joke in the world.

Her first joke came out the other day. When asked what a duck says, her response was "Quack, qua...Moo!!" with a sneaky little grin on her face. The harder we laughed, the funnier she thought she was.

She's quite the quirky kid these days. She loves to get naked and just hang out around the house, or on the deck. She also loves to go into the lazy Susan and sit on the toaster which is just the right height to act as a stool for her. She recently combined both the nudity and the sitting on the toaster and I spent some time wondering what I'd say to Liam if she peed in the toaster.

Whew!

There are two types of weekends. After the first kind, you feel rested, refreshed, and ready to tackle a new week. After the second, you can't wait for the week to start so you can get a break.

We had the second kind of weekend this week. We accomplished a heck of a lot and we spent a whole pile of time outside, two things which make me very happy, but holy crud I'm tired out!

Yesterday we took in the library booksale. In years past it's been a major event and we've brought home almost more books than Liam could carry, and he's pretty determined when it comes to hauling books home. This year the whole event was a very short and sweet trip. We were in and out within an hour or so and only spent $16. For that $16, though, we brought home a pretty good pile of books. Liam picked up a variety of novels and I got a novel, a few books on homeschooling, and a big stack of kids books that I'll use for curriculum. I got a few books on simple chemistry and physics experiments as well as a collection on different types of homes around the world. Oh, and Liam found the coolest book ever...dinosaur origami! (Nick is excited because "I've never made anything out of origami before!")

Next on our list was getting our income taxes done. Liam's T4 was finally re-sent to us last week so we brought in our little stack of papers to find out if we'd be buying new tires for the car this month. After a couple of hiccups (one which still needs to be sorted out since we may get back another $200) we left with almost $1400 in our happy little hands. Score! Not only will we be buying new tires, but I'll be able to pay for Liam's birthday bike now instead of after the garage sale. With how tight money has been lately, we're both quite happy for the extra deposit into our bank account.

We finished off the day by chowing down on some BBQ'd pork chops on the patio. Yum.

Today, we basically plowed through a whole bunch of yardwork. Liam put together our compost bin and we've already got a pile of stuff sitting in it.

I worked on prettying up the base of one of our trees. I pulled out all of the wood chips then we smoothed out the uneven ground, put down some landscaping fabric, and put all the chips back again. It sounds so flipping easy, but I think it was about 3 hours of work by the time we were done. Our progress was slowed considerably by the worm relocation project. Every time we found a worm in the dirt, Nick and Lily would transport it to the compost bin.

We also planted some of our flower, grass, and veggie seeds. I'm very excited about the nifty decorative grass and I can't wait to see what it looks like in my big pot. By the time we'd planted all the flowers, we were pretty much out of time and pots, so we've only started some of the beets, lettuce, and carrots so far out of our pile of vegetable seeds. I'm both excited and intimidated by the challenge of our first vegetable garden.

This weekend was such a stereotypical spring weekend. We were busy and got a lot done, but it was a lot of fun at the same time. I love being outside with the kids whether it's trekking through the ravine or digging for worms in the yard. There's just something about kids and dirt that go so well together.

Being Known

Yesterday evening, Liam and I were exhausted from a lack of sleep and a busy day so we did what any sane parents who knew their kids will be up early would do: we stayed up talking until 1 am. Today I'm crusty and feeling sick with the germs the kids so nicely shared with me but I wouldn't undo staying up late with Liam for anything. It was one of those soul-baring discussions where we shared our feelings and discussed past ups and downs from our relationship.

Moments such as the one we shared last night remind me just how incredible it is to be married to a man as dedicated and loving as Liam. Sharing my daily life with him brings so much significance to even the small and mundane.

This morning as I reflect on the evening, I'm struck by how important it is to me that I experience being fully and accurately seen by Liam. While parts of marriage such as sharing moments or being taken care of are deeply meaningful, I think that being truly known and then cherished is significant in a completely different way.

I'm so aware of how friends and others see me. I pay attention to my appearance, my words, and what I share of myself. With Liam, I share all of me. He held me while I puked my guts out, he danced me through hours of contractions, and he's watched me have mini-meltdowns. He's seen me at my very best and my very worst and not only is he still around but our relationship is deeper and stronger every day.

Having someone see the full and unedited me and react by loving me more is affirming like nothing else could be. The only other people who have known me this fully are my parents and brother, but they didn't choose me and they can't untie their ties to me.

The roller coaster of early love is a thrilling experience that I enjoyed and look back on with fondness. The depth of longer-term love, though, is what fuels me and brings true beauty to my life.

Happy (?) Easter

My Easter Bunny needs a double espresso, quick!

Lily is sick. She woke up when Liam and I went to bed last night and didn't settle down until shortly after 4 am. Nick was up at 6 wanting to go hunting for eggs. Crap.

Can I postpone Easter? In two hours I'm going to be sitting in Church and I'm not sure if I'll actually be awake or not.

Happy Easter!!

Friday confession

I have a confession to make. I'm in love with another man.

It's Dean Martin.

I don't know why, but I think he's got the most dreamy voice. I realize that I'm a few years behind and all, but something about that man makes me swoon.

And for those of you who are wondering, yes Liam knows. He often teases me about my crush on Dean. This morning he even made a point to skip ahead on his CD to a Dean song for me. Nothing says "I love you" like feeding your wife's love for another man.

A Funny

Here's a joke I'd like to share. I've been too sick/in pain/tired to post anything interesting, so at least copying and pasting makes it look like I put in some effort. Oh, and as a disclaimer Liam has never once asked "What do you do all day?". He's been here on weekends and vacation days. He KNOWS!


WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still
in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry , he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Now 25% MORE evil!!

I've finally managed to pull some of Lil's hair into pigtails. Is it just me or do they make her look slightly evil in an uber-cute way?

A Kept Woman Once More

Tonight is the eve of my last day in my short stint of employment. For those who didn't know, I started babysitting a friend's 1-year-old in the middle of February. Due to changes with the other care provider (I only had her Mondays and Tuesdays) our friends have switched her into full-time daycare starting April 1.

On the one hand, I'm sort of sad. Hailey is a sweet little cuddly bear and it's fun when she and my kids play. It's also been very nice having a paycheck since money has been increasingly tight for us.

On the other hand I'm relieved. It's hard taking care of a kid younger than my youngest, especially since she doesn't walk yet and I spend a lot of time carrying her. Although the extra time it takes to care for her during the day isn't enormous, it's one more thing added to my plate, and Lily's been running me off my feet as it is lately. I've been short-tempered with my kids on the days I babysit and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I don't like being that kind of mom.

I'd also been struggling with the choice whether I would continue to care for Hailey in the fall. For those who don't yet know, we've made the decision to homeschool Nicholas starting in September. While it's something about which I'm hugely excited, I'm also willing to admit that I'm intimidated by the prospect of keeping up on my regular work in the home, jumping through the various toddler hoops with Lily, and homeschooling Nick on top of it all. I think that babysitting even part-time would have been enough to make me crash and burn for certain.

In all I'm looking forward to being unemployed. We've adjusted already this month to tightening the purse strings just a little bit more so I'm not too worried about the money. I'm looking forward to decreasing my stress level even if it does feel like I'm admitting defeat. I'm not very good at noticing when I'm in over my head. I guess that's why I married a guy who can always bring me back to center.

And so, I return once more into the land of the income-less.

The sound...of silence

I've been feeling the need for space lately. Maybe it's the fresh air of spring, or maybe it's how smothered I feel sometimes by Lily's abundance of energy.

Whatever the case, I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.

I got Liam to move the computer out of the kitchen and into the office. Our kitchen feels so big now. When the kids play it echoes. I moved the kitchen table and there's all this space. There's also this juicy silence without the constant hum of the computer.

I've been listening to the radio less and less. I'm listening to my cd's a bit, but more and more I'm just turning everything off. When I'm alone the utter silence is refreshing. When the kids are around I more fully pay attention to what they're saying.

I've started cleaning out the storage room with plans to have a garage sale. Goodbye unused baby stuff. (Does this mean we're done having kids? I don't know...) See you later shoes that I never wear but wish I did.

I bought a book tonight about healthy homes. It has sections about the air, light, and color of rooms. It touches on feng shui and environmentalism. I've been drooling over the pictures of beautiful homes. Some have been built into hillsides, others have been made out of renovated warehouses or barns. I love it.

I listened to a radio program recently where the guest discussed the idea of slow homes. It's based on the idea of the slow food movement. The idea is that we should value our homes for what they are and not the money they represent or the expectation of re-sale. We should appreciate that our homes are the places where we're raising our children and creating memories. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what this means to me and how this translates into how our home will be set up. What would our home look like if it truly reflected our needs and desires without conforming to society's expectations and influence?

Photo Time

I haven't posted pictures in ages and since I just dumped a bunch of photos from the camera onto the computer today I thought this would be a good time.



My brother, his wife, and their baby were out for a visit last month. Here we all are at church. (And no I don't have a tree growing out of my head. It's some sort of Lenten decoration thingy.)

Trina and my kids. Can you believe she's only 7 months? She's heavier than Lily already! I could squeeze those cheeks all day.

A random image of what happens when we leave the kids alone with my parents so we can go out for a date.

Lily showing off her fancy outfit that Auntie Meghan gave her for Christmas.

My family of hoodies. Nick was sick in case you can't tell.

My kids along with Hailey, our recent "addition". I take care of her on Mondays and Tuesdays. She's 13 months and oh-so-adorable. She puts up with a lot from Lily!

This is us today after picking up Nick from the bus. Hailey on the front and Lily on the back.

Oops

There should be a health warning on vegetables.

Last month I lopped off the tip of my thumb chopping red peppers. Today I sliced off a piece of my index finger dicing some carrots. Le sigh.

Can I somehow blame this on Krista? I was after all using the mandolin she gave us as a wedding gift.

It's very annoying, by the way, to be dealing with mopping up blood when you're following one of those obnoxious recipes that wants various ingredients added after a very specific amount of minutes. I can't clean up my finger and chop at the same time damnit. If supper tastes odd tonight, Liam, I apologize.

And here I thought that homemade meals made from nice fresh veggies was supposed to be GOOD for your health.

Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun

My God, I forgot how much I missed the sun.

According to the nifty Weather Eye feature in my toolbar, it warmed up to a balmy +10 today. I'm sure it was closer to 15 on my deck, though, judging by the fact that Lily stripped down to the buff and played outside for a good 45 minutes without getting chilly. The only thing that got her dressed was that she wanted to go play in the snow. I couldn't help but laugh at her as I watched her bare little bum jiggling in the sunshine as she ran around.

I had big plans for my day today. I was going to go for a walk in the ravine and run some errands of some sort. The kind of errands didn't matter so much as me just getting out of the house did. Instead, I ended up being drawn outside by the golden sunshine which poured over my deck and I never did end up leaving the house. I snacked and read while Lily explored the deck then the yard. It's been about five months since we've spent a significant amount of time in our back yard and it was like a whole new world to her.

As I basked in the warmth of the sun, I realized just how much I'd missed its ability to leave me feeling deeply satisfied. Feeling the fresh air on my bare arms I felt more alive than I'd felt in months. When I came back in the house I was struck by just how dead the air inside is. There are no breezes, no tastes, no sounds of birds or squirrels. There's just air that sits there. And does nothing.

On days like today I wonder what it would be like to winter in a warmer climate, one where I could be outside year-round. I love the moderate summers around here but I could certainly do without the bone-chilling weeks that seem to stretch out forever.

Lessons my children have taught me

Someone else's cookie always tastes better than your own. (aka Filched food tastes best.)

The best place to be when you're hurt, scared, or upset is in the arms of someone you love.

Farts are really funny.

Touching and cuddling are requirements in life, not perks.

Exploration cannot be hurried.

The most interesting things in life occur close to the ground.

Sleeping in and taking naps don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Time spent doing nothing is important. It's also the best time to do really neat stuff.

Being naked feels good.

Being loud for the sake of being loud is a perfectly good reason.

Getting dirty isn't so bad.

If you say enough, you'll eventually communicate your point.

Blessings

This morning, a woman I know told me how her 6-month-old daughter was diagnosed earlier this week as having a serious congenital heart defect which will require open-heart surgery in the very near future. I realized just how blessed I am to have two healthy children.

I received news that a new friend will be moving away. She's very sad to be leaving the support and friendships she's developed over the past few years and wonders what it will be like to be without these. I see that it's such a blessing to live in an area where I'm close to my family, extended family, and many wonderful friends.

This afternoon, a boy in Nicholas' school was lying in the snow and crying after being bullied by some older boys. After spending a great part of the day being frustrated over the way he was treated, I've come so see what a blessing it was to have been able to comfort this boy and help him get back on his way home.

I received a phone call this afternoon that Nicholas' school bus was involved in an accident and that none of the children were injured. I hugged Nicholas close and realized just how happy I was that I'd picked him up from school today.

This evening, I was chided for still breastfeeding Lily. I was annoyed by this until I realized that it's the first negative comment I've received in the 17 months I've been breastfeeding her. It's been a huge blessing to have found so much support for my decision to breastfeed a toddler.

There are so many moments during the day when I have the choice of how to react to the world around me. I can become offended over every bump, or I can gloss over the parts I don't enjoy. I can spend my energy complaining about the injustices in the world or I can focus on each small joy. Although I do get caught up in negativity sometimes I know that life is too short, blessings are all around, and I like being happy.

Childhood

I came across the following quote this morning and found it to be very thought-provoking.

"When we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life, childhood is life. A child isn't getting ready to live - a child is living. The child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, "What are you going to be?" Courageous would be the youngster who, looking the adult squarely in the face, would say, "I'm not going to be anything; I already am." We adults would be shocked by such an insolent remark for we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born. Childhood isn't a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied him by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation.
How much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize the child as a partner with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing him as an apprentice. How much we would teach each other...adults with the experience and children with the freshness. How full both our lives could be. A little child may not lead us, but at least we ought to discuss the trip with him for, after all, life is his and her journey, too." - Professor T. Ripaldi


I really enjoy how this quote encourages us to totally shift our perspective on children and childhood. In our society, we play Mozart to our embryos, enroll our preschool children in enrichment classes, and spend Grade 1 preparing for post-secondary opportunities.

While I scoff at the idea of doing flashcards with infants who can't even hold their heads up yet, I recognize that I've been guilty of pushing my children into growth rather than enjoying the process of unfolding and experiencing. Now that I've had my second child and I've seen how quickly the early years spin by, I find myself relishing the moment more often than I did. I'm constantly amazed at the beauty and joy which children perceive and create.

How differently would we live life if we really respected the value of childhood, if we saw its value for the experience it provides rather than the future it leads up to?

A tea party of a different sort

Lily's baby bathtub is sitting in the middle of my kitchen and the water in it is a murky yellow. No, she didn't have and "incident" in the tub. The water is filled with chamomille tea and oatmeal. There's a teapot and a couple of little cups as well. Yes, the kids really did drink her bath water. Lily's skin took a serious turn for the worse today and the tea/oatmeal bath was an effort to soothe her itchy, oozing back.

For those not in the know, Lily has been suffering from eczema for about a month and a half. It's been all over her entire body except for her head, hands, and feet. We've eliminated wheat, dairy, sugar, red meat, citrus, and tomatos from her diet. Since her consultation with our ND, she's been taking Sulfur (a homeopathic remedy), Astragalus (a herb), acidophilus, fish oil, and flax oil. I've also switched laundry detergent three times (each of them more and more mild).

Earlier this afternoon as I picked Lily up, I realized that what I thought were stains on her undershirt were actually wet spots from the open sores on her back. Ugh. It hurts me to see her in this kind of shape and I feel like crying. I'm the Mom so I'm supposed to fix things, aren't I?

Now I'm questioning all sorts of foods she eating and that I'm eating and possibly exposing her to in my milk. We've cut so many things out already that I just don't know what to do next. I really, really hate this. Right now she's got a layer of Polysporin on her lower back and gauze and tape over top. She looks like a burn victim or something.

Oh how the times have changed!

Yesterday morning, I was headed out to run some errands and I met our mail-lady in the driveway. She handed me the usual stack of envelopes as well as a large manilla envelope. My curiosity piqued, I started the car and immediately looked at the interesting package. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that it was from the law firm which handled the purchase of our new home. I figured it was yet another request to re-sign papers or some other unforseen hoop we'd need to jump through.

Fortunately, it was none of the above. I found instead a pile of papers relating to the final details of the purchase as well as a cheque. It turns out that the money which the law firm had held in trust for us was more than their fees had ended up adding up to. So, there attached to the cover letter was a cheque written out to Liam and I in the sum of $340 (Ok, it was actually something like $339.60 but $340 has a much nicer ring to it). Sweet. Who knew that you could actually GET money from lawyers?

The portion of my brain inhabited by the perma-child deep within me immediately burst out with "Wicked! We can go on a shopping spree and blow all of it since it wasn't money we were expecting anyhow!". Then (un)fortunately the adult me wised up to the situation and brought up the mature arguments such as "Weren't you just saying how nice it is having a bit of extra money sitting in the bank account at the end of the pay period?" and "Aren't you all into this non-materialistic stuff now?".

As things turned out, Liam and I did agree to spend some of the money. He will buy the Sandy Foster cd he's been pining after as of late. I will buy a YES nursing bra, a Diva Cup (guys, don't click if you really don't want to know), and some cloth shopping bags.

I also went on a shopping trip to Planet Organic today and was able to pick up some nice stuff. I splurged and bought a 1L bottle of organic maple syrup. Since it's pretty much the only sweetener I use in my baking and oatmeal, those little bottles just don't seem to last. I also got some organic extra virgin olive oil in a funky square bottle and some organic sesame oil. I was so sad when I ran out of sesame oil a couple of weeks ago since the tofu in my miso soup doesn't seem to have the same flavour or texture with olive oil. I also picked up a variety of items from the bulk section including a new kind of rice, quick-cook oats (so I can actually cook Nick's oatmeal before he gets on the bus for school), carob almonds (like chocolate almonds only more coacoa-y), and some nifty little things called energy squares (which taste incredibly like Eatmore's).

As I did a little happy dance over my bags of groceries at home, I realized just how much I've changed in the past few years. There was a time when groceries were taken for granted and I had no idea as to the cost of food. These days, I'm the one paying at the checkout so I realize just how little our dollars can be stretched. I'm also finding great satisfaction in cooking and experimenting with new dishes. Instead of opening the fridge or pantry and seeing a bunch of food to be eaten, I now see the little dollar signs attached to each item as well as the possibilities for the vareity of dishes I could create with each.

Voluntary Simplicity

Yesterday, I attended a workshop on voluntary simplicity which was being offered at our church by a few of the parishioners. There was a retreat a few months back, but being the mom of two little kids (one of whom still nurses several times each night) doesn't lend itself well to that type of activity. I was thrilled when the workshop was announced, both because it was something I could manage and also because it was free. I'm big into free things.

My idea going into this workshop was that I would learn ways of being fulfilled with less material goods and possibly find some ways of reducing excess spending. We're pretty good about keeping costs to a minimum, but living on one income means there's never a lot of extra money hanging about in our bank account.

I ended up learning much more than I would have thought. I learned how wrapped up we as a society are in material things and how much the media influences us to believe that spending money will put us in a better place. I was also given the chance to ponder how having, buying, and focusing on stuff draws my focus away from important things such as God and my family. I also found myself really thinking about the impact that my living has on our planet and how simple choices which I make can have very large results.

Since beginning my elimination diet at the start of this month, I've found myself thinking differently about the types and quality of foods I'm putting into my body and the bodies of my family. It seems like a very natural progression to go from healthier eating to healthier living.

I've also been focusing during the past year or so on streamlining my life and focusing on thoughts, people, and activities which enhance my life. It's so easy to get bogged down in scattered activities and negative patterns of thinking, and there's so much I want to do with my life. By the time I've worked through all my responsibilities as a wife and mother my time is very limited and I want to get the most out of my spare time and energy.

In all, I suppose I'm feeling drawn toward making more conscious choices about life which make me feel good about myself and satisfied with my actions.