The Momness of it all

Being a mom is an experience like nothing else.

I parent day and night, day in and day out without predictable breaks or vacation time. My home is filled with toys and craft supplies, my bed has little people sleeping in it, and my shoe size has been dictated by the widening of my feet through three pregnancies. The skin of my belly is striped with stretch marks and my breasts do a great impersonation of an all-hours buffet. I spend my days pulled in fifteen directions at once as dirty laundry, hungry bellies, and chattering mouthes all clamor for my attention. I wake up in the mornings with overwhelming amounts of work waiting for me and I go to bed at night wondering where my days have gone.

And yet...

I watch miracles unfold daily. I see moments of deep and heart-melting tenderness between siblings. I see lightbulbs flashing over heads, I watch dreams swirling behind eyes, and I witness wonder and intrigue awakening in young minds.

I spend my days with these beautiful young souls who pounce on each day like it's a fresh adventure and I watch in awe as they squeeze in every last moment of fun. I stand beside them as they step into the world like its' animals and plants and people are the greatest treasures ever, and I get to see the world through their eyes.

My body has played a part in making people. I have felt the flutterings of tiny feet dancing beneath my skin, the rush of milk flowing from my breasts into hungry mouthes. I have birthed three babies, bringing them from deep within my body out into the world that awaits them. I have held their soft little bodies against my chest and I have experienced a pure love that I have never seen elsewhere.

And so the days may sometimes be long and the pile of dirty dishes may grow bigger by the day, but the struggles and the difficulties in parenthood can never come close to being equal payment for the joy and love of which I am a part.

Playful Playroom

Shortly after moving into our house, we converted what is meant to be the master bedroom off the kitchen into a playroom for the kids. It suited us better to have everyone sleeping upstairs and a play area in the main living area for the kids.

As anyone who has been to our house knows, the playroom typically looks like...well, a typical playroom. It gets played in, stuff gets dumped into it, and the mess grows quickly.

Last night, the kids headed to my parents' house for the night and Olivia and I started decluttering the playroom. I ended up working on it for an hour or so last night and then most of today. In the end, I had 11 garbage bags of stuff pulled out of it and I finished just in before the kids got home.

It was the most satisfying cleaning I've done in ages, both because of how much I got accomplished and because I had in my mind that I was creating a beautiful space for my family. The typical resentment, frustration, and overwhelm when I tackle that room disappeared when I set family happiness as my goal. It made it super easy to toss stuff into bags too. I didn't worry about how much items has cost or who had given them to us. If they didn't fit into the context of a happy space, out they went!

When the kids came home they totally flipped out over the room. It hasn't looked anything like this since early in my pregnancy with Olivia. Lily screamed and then fell over. Nick kept jumping and yelling and acting like a total goof. It made a Mama happy and totally validated my work.

Here's what the room looks like now. Liam, by the way, is not beating Lily up even though it looks like he is. They're reading a book. Promise.

See? There's the book. Dollhouse and random toys on the far wall.

Craft table:

Games and some toys in the closet:

Bookshelves! I culled quite a few, if you can believe it.

Reading area next to the bookshelves. There was another chair here earlier but someone peed in it. I'll let you guess who.

Someone made a mess...

True selves

As a homeschooling mom I spend a lot of time with my kids. I'm with them practically all day every day, and while it's an enormous blessing to witness the multitude of moments and the slow unfolding of their personalities, sometimes I realize that I'm in too close to really see their true present selves.

I notice it most with Olivia because her changes are so rapid. In my mind, she is firmly set in the "Baby" box. She's brand new, my life revolves around her needs, and she's really not her own person yet. And then I find that she's crawled across the house and is playing in the open toilet and I realize "Holy crap, this child here in front of me isn't a newborn. She's a baby blossoming into a toddler!".

With Lily, she was for so long my baby girl. She was independent but her youngness was magnified by the 5 years between her and Nick. Physically and emotionally she was nestled right in next to my heart all the time and then all of a sudden Olivia was here and Lily was bumped over a bit. When Lily was born and Nick got nudged over, I remember feeling such guilt. But with Olivia's birth I recognized that it's normal and that there isn't any way that a relationship between a mother and an older child can be quite as intense as the one between a mother and her new baby.

So these days when I look at Lily I feel like I'm searching to see who she is. At 4 1/2, she's got one foot in the preschooler world and one foot dipping into the world of big kids. Sometimes I see her as being my young baby still, and at other times I expect her to be more independent than is fair.

And then my Nick! I used to know every tiny speck of him so intimately. I knew where he picked up that phrase, when he'd pooped last, how many bites of supper he'd eaten. And now he has this swirling depth to him, this whole level of experience of the world through his own adventures and readings that I'm not a part of. So many times I've seen him as such a big kid only to have Lily reach that age and make it look so young. Is it because Nick feels older than his age? Is it because as my oldest I always expect more of him? Only time will tell I suppose.

All of this really makes me wonder who my kids really and truly are. If I were to take away the filters of who I expect them to be now and the shadows of their past selves, what would those kids standing in front of me look like?

Living and Learning

Tonight I was chatting with some homeschooling moms during a child's birthday party. One of the moms and I had just met for the first time and we ended up talking about our family's transition into unschooling.

Unschooling, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, is a type of homeschooling and an approach to learning and living. Every unschooling family seems to have their own definition of the label but the basic premise is that the learning which takes place is delight-driven and done without coercion. Learning and exploring are not seen as activities which are limited to classrooms or workbooks. In our family, I view myself as a facilitator in my children's education. I offer resources which I think might be of interest, I answer questions, I help out when I'm asked.

The mom I was talking to asked me what a typical day in an unschooling home looks like, and I gave a really basic description of how we have screen time til 8 or 9 am then we have breakfast and then...we do stuff. Later on as I was driving home, I was thinking over the conversation and realized that I really could have been a lot more clear on what exactly it is we do.

Upon further reflection, I've come up with this far from exhaustive list of what we, the unschooling Johnstones, do:

We read. We read comic books, chapter books, reference books, and poetry books. We read cereal boxes and newspaper articles. We read traffic signs, name tags, t-shirts, and grocery lists. We read on the couch, in bed, in the van, and at the kitchen table. We read to ourselves, we read to each other, and we read together.

We create. We build sculptures out of clay and robots out of boxes. We draw pictures of our family, we make puppets out of sticks, and we create poetry and stories as we recite them out loud. We draw on the white board with felts, on the pavement with chalk, and on our bodies with pens, felts, and make up. We put on puppet plays and invent gymnastic routines. We dig into the dress up box and fill our house with characters and stories who do whatever we want them to. We build space ships and swords with Lego, vehicles out of K-nex, and animals out of paper.

We spend time with others. We visit old friends in their homes and talk with new friends at the grocery store. We play and talk with children and adults of all sorts of ages. We spend time with some friends on a regular basis through Cubs, swimming, and music classes and we see some friends infrequently when we go on trips or host guests.

We talk. Oh my goodness do we talk! We talk about our plans for the day, why some dogs have puppies, how cereal is made, and why Dad goes to work. We talk about our feelings, our ideas, our questions, and (sometimes) our fears. Lily asks Nick questions that only a worldly brother could answer, Nick talks to Lily about the most exciting thing he just did in his Pokemon game, and I talk to Olivia about how much that bump on her head must hurt. We talk from the moment we wake in the mornings til the moment their eyes close at night and they are swept away by childhood dreams.

We do housework. I cook oatmeal, Lily cuts up vegetables, Nick sets the table. I wash the laundry, Lily sorts the socks, Nick puts clothes into drawers, and Olivia throws everything on the floor. We tidy the livingroom, we unload the dishwasher. We sweep, mop, dust, wash windows, and vacuum. We work together, we do our own thing, we clean happily and sometimes begrudgingly.

We live. We learn. We explore. We enjoy. We work our ways through the ups and downs, the growth and the regressions, the fun and the boring. We do and we try and we ponder and we expand. Left to our own devices, we are constantly doing something.

How I dropped a Lily-sized amount of weight

This morning I was thrilled to see that I've hit a nice number of 30 lbs of weight loss since I first weighed myself after Olivia's birth. With the help of a handy dandy online calculator thingy, I've learned that I've lost 30 lbs in 29 weeks. (For anyone who's trying to count up on their fingers, I weighed myself at 6 weeks postpartum because nothing other than making it though the day really counted before then.)

And because I like lists of things, I thought it might be fun to look at what I've been doing that has helped me to lose weight. Maybe it'll help me reach some new realizations, maybe it'll give someone else some ideas of things to try, or maybe it'll just entertain me for the short bit of time I have until Olivia realizes I've snuck out of the bedroom.

So here I give you my top ten!

1. Eating homemade foods. Seriously, this is the biggest one by far. Eating out made up for a lot of the pregnancy weight (well, that and a ridiculous amount of yummy cheese) and eating foods that I have prepared at home is helping me to drop those pounds. The stuff I cook is never as salty, greasy, sauce-covered, or outright enormous as the things that are usually found on plates at restaurants.

2. Using my brain while eating out. Those times when we do eat out, I make a huge effort to choose wisely. I often choose salads with yummy toppings, grilled chicken, and no salad dressing. I omit things - bacon bits are good but not really my friend. I work to make what's on the menu fit my needs instead of just ordering the first thing that makes me salivate.

3. Running. Oh my goodness, have I ever been happy to get back into running! I reap so many benefits from running. I burn calories. I'm inspired to make better eating choices. I get hugely encouraged by the quicker changes on the scale. I feel more completely me. I'm happy during the run to be running, after the run to be buzzy, and the next day to be full of energy as a result of working out. Have I mentioned that I love running?

4. Cleaner eating. One of the biggest shifts in mindsets for me has been to stop looking at crappy foods as a deserved treat. Eating foods that are good for me leave me feeling good in my body, a bigger reward by far.

5. Acknowledging emotions. Yeah, this one goes hand in hand with the previous one. Emotional eating is a lot easier to avoid when you actually deal with your emotions. Shocking, hey? This area is a work in progress but I'm human so I'm ok with that.

6. Oatmeal! I've learned to love the mush. Most mornings, the kids and I eat oatmeal for breakfast. We've all learned our favourite doctorings (I like honey, ground flax seeds, and chopped up strawberries if we have them). With that bowl of oatmeal in my belly I not only avoiding eating cold cereal but I often coast straight on through til lunch before I get hungry again.

7. Smarter lunches. I like sandwiches for lunch but they really don't do much for me in the "get some veggies in there and stay full for a while" category. I try to keep cooked rice or quinoa in the fridge so I can do a Kim-sized (ok, Kim and Olivia-sized) stir fry to toss on top. Much yum, no peanut butter.

8. Snacking on fruits and veggies. Eating a banana or a mango for a snack serves me a lot better than eating muffins or salty trail mix. I try to keep a bag of sugar peas in the fridge for evening munchings because they're sweet enough to taste like an indulgence.

9. Not bringing crap in the house. Really, you'd think this would be a no-brainer hey? If I buy the bag of yummy cookies, I may think I'm going to leave them for the kids but truly I know that I'm just going to take a few here and there until they're all firmly living in my thighs instead of making it anywhere near the kids' snack plates.

10. Keeping the momentum going. If I've had two or three good runs during the week and four or five days of clean eating, I'm a lot less likely to make bad choices. If I've had a few days of eating for the sake of eating and eating foods that don't serve me well, I make a conscious effort to get my ass back in gear. Once I'm back on track the coasting is much easier.

And so there you have a snapshot of what I've been doing and how it's been working for me. I've got quite a ways to go until I make it to my goal weight, but I'm going to focus only on the success I've achieved so far. Well, that and all the running I plan to do this summer. Have I mentioned that I love running?

Real world

One of the things I love most about homeschooling is how my children get so many opportunities to learn things by doing. Lily, being a very typical 4 year old, loves to help out by following me around and by joining in on everything I'm doing. Somewhere in the past year, her "helping" became real helping and she now washes and dries dishes, sets the table, folds and puts away laundry, and makes meals. She gets a real joy from contributing and I enjoy watching the satisfaction she gets from accomplishing tasks.

Here's some of the supper prep Lily did the other night.

Chopping potatoes:

Showing me the work she did:

Lily washing dishes and Nick mopping/dancing. (Hhmm, I'm noticing a theme here of Lily in her pj's all day every day...)

And last, but certainly not least, we've got Olivia. At 7 months she can't quite run the washing machine yet but she sure is good at collecting dirty laundry!

The little tiny things

When I imagine what my ideal unschooling life with the kids would look like, I always picture really grand and amazing things. Shelves filled with inspiring resources, trips to mind-blowing places, and interactions with really cool people.

I forget sometimes, though, that so much of the good stuff that really offers the most to my kids is space and time in our own home.

This week, I've been sick with a silly head cold and it's left me tired and grumpy. It's also led me to sitting and just being quiet more, which has turned out to be a really great thing. In the quiet of yesterday, Nick pulled out a Shel Silverstein book that had been sitting on the shelf since we bought it sometime last year. He sat beside me on the couch and read to me, page after page, poem after hilarious poem. I listened and laughed with him while Olivia napped on my lap and Lily sat on the floor listening with that pensive little look on her face she gets when she's really mulling things over.

The second Nick put the book down, Lily grabbed it and flipped back and forth through the pages asking me to read every poem that had an interesting picture beside it. She caught on to some jokes really quickly and with other poems she asked about 75 questions before she caught the gist of it.

The rest of the day was filled with the kids battling for the right to pick out the next poem and Nick, the kid who wouldn't read out loud when we tried to force him when he was in Grade 1, read and read to us until I had to ask him to take a break so other people could have the chance to talk. As soon as Liam got home the kids pounced on him, so excited to share the hilarity with fresh meat. Nick begged him to read "The Bagpipes Didn't Say No" since when he tried to read it himself earlier he could hardly breathe he was laughing so hard.

All it took was one book and some free time at home, and the kids opened up an entire world of language and imagination. And I was blessed enough to be able to witness the joy on their faces and the way their brains whirled and soared at the sound of Shel's treasures. Such a great lesson for me and a reminder of how much learning I'm doing right by my children's side.

Here's some Shel for you:

The Ugly Side

I have a confession. Sometimes, like during days like today, I resent my kids.

I love them, I adore them, I know that being their Mom is the best place in the world for me. But my goodness if I don't sometimes just want to get in the van and drive so very far away from the fighting, the messes, and the NOISE!

This afternoon, I sat on the steps of city hall listening to the symphony orchestra during a ceremony to celebrate the arrival of the Olympic torch with my busy little family. Wiggly baby Olivia was getting tired and fussy and the kids and I were just cooling off from a huge fight ("No, Lily, for the fifteenth time you CANNOT be a part of the Olympics no matter how many times you ask and Nick I swear to God that if you poke me in the face one more time with that inflated noisemaker I'm going to cram it into the nearest garbage can!"). It was, you know, one of those times.

As we listened to the glorious music rising up from the group of beautiful musicians, I started watching this one violinist. She swayed, she glowed, she was the music personified. And I was so suddenly jealous. I instantly had a vision of her elegant and artistic life. The spotless sweeping studio apartment with gleaming counter tops and gigantic stainless steel appliances. The small gray cat who greets her with purrs and ankle-rubbings every night when she comes home. The hours upon hours she spends laboring luxuriously over her violin.

And there I was with my 30 lb diaper bag, my squirmy children, and my frizzy hair, not knowing the last time I'd read two consecutive pages in a book without being interrupted by scrabbly baby fingers or rowdy children, and functioning on far too little sleep.

I want gleaming counter tops! I want hours to spend following my artistic passions! I want a home that welcomes me with its silent refuge at the end of the day! I want to just step away from my life for a couple of weeks, to put the dirty dishes and the piles of laundry on pause while I slip out the back door and float in a pool somewhere with a strong drink and a thick book. I want that life, that peace, that I can imagine others have all attained but which I know isn't really anyone's reality all the time.

Part of me feels terrible for my moments of resentment. My children are good kids, needing and wanting from me nothing out of the ordinary. They are here, with me, when there are parents whose children are not within arms reach and may never be home again. They are blessings in my life, invited into the world by my choice, and they are utterly amazing little people.

Which, I guess, points out the obvious: this has everything to do with me and nothing really to do with them. I'm the adult, the one in charge of taking care of me. It's not their fault that the dishwasher is on the fritz (again) or that my choice to homeschool them has created a large amount of work for me. It's my own responsibility to make sure I get enough sleep at night and time alone, enough mental stimulation and room for exploring my passions.

This, I think, is the crux of motherhood guilt. Well, for me anyhow. I feel like I should give my kids my all, pour every last ounce of my energy and enthusiasm into creating an enriching and inspiring home environment. But I can't. Because I need some of that for me, so I can grow and be fully myself as well.

Because shouldn't I be living the lessons I want my kids to learn in life? Hhmm...

Her Sister's Eyes

Trade-offs

The other day I was talking with a friend about how sometimes the various things I like are mutually exclusive and I was just reading a blog post that's got me pondering the idea again.

My life, these days, is a very full thing. There are three children in my family. And we have three animals. And we homeschool. And Liam works both a full-time and a part-time job. And I do volunteer work. And I like to read. And scrapbook. And write. And spend time with my friends.

I could go on and on about all the things the people of my family require and enjoy, but my point is that there comes a time where things get pushed out. Trade-offs are made and I feel myself constantly trying to prioritize what should get bumped and what should remain front and center.

Should we go to the science center for the day or should we enjoy some quiet time at home? Should I do laundry or dishes first? Should I sleep like my body wants or stay up and decompress like my brain wants? Should I focus on cleaning the house or sit and play with the kids?

There are days when I feel as if I'm constantly balancing and juggling, trying to make sure as many people get as many of their most important needs met first. As much as I would love to say that I'm working as hard to meet my needs as I am to meet those of my children, the reality is that at this stage in my family it's not often the case.

But then, there are pay-off to certain trade-offs as well. (Ooh, that sounds like a good chant: Pay-offs to trade-offs!) Letting Lily help with baking might lead to eggshells in the batter, but watching her sense of pride as she does a job all by herself is immensely rewarding. Wearing Olivia while doing housework makes some tasks more difficult, but the joy of having her close and happy is very satisfying. Stopping everything to listen to Nick recount in painful detail the scene from a TV show might make me want to pull my hair out, but listening sends him the important message that his interests matter to me.

Hopefully in the long run I'll have mostly made the best choices most of the time and have many years of happy memories to look back upon.

The giving and the taking of 2009

Well, the kids are in bed, I've got some red wine love going on, and there's just over two hours left in this year. Seems like a good a time as any to get retrospective.

When I think back on this past year, family is the big thing that stands out. I know this seems kind of obvious in that my life is centered around Liam and the kids, but I'm thinking of family in a bigger more long-term way.

Early last year, we said goodbye to Liam's mom Peggy after watching her struggle through health issues related to her Multiple Sclerosis. It was a period where worry for Peggy weighed on our hearts every day and then the raw pain of loss slowly dulled over as her absence became a part of our lives. I learned a lot from the experience, including how everything else seems to fade into nothingness when someone you love is hurting. I also learned that life in the world goes on, even if it seems to limp and hobble for a while, and that children are such a blessing and a frustration in their inability to wallow in sorrow for any real period of time. It's been about 10 months now since Peggy left us and we all miss her so much, especially during this first holiday season without her.

The other side of the family coin is the small and delicious Olivia. Growing through my pregnancy with her was such a strange juxtaposition sometimes with Peggy's withering away. I entered 2009 already pregnant with Olivia and much of the year seemed to be swallowed up by growing and birthing and nurturing her in her early months. By the time she made her grand entrance into the world I felt like I'd been gestating an elephant instead of a human. I was overjoyed to finally hold her in my arms after her beautiful and intimate birth. Adding a baby into our family has shifted everyone's roles a little bit and it's been so deeply rewarding to see how our family has grown and evolved.

The rest of the year seems to have been filled with the many other small moments that make up daily living.

There were the ups and downs of Liam's contract work as he entered and left different work. It's been a growing experience for sure, getting used to the different stresses of non-permanent employment, but it's also been heartwarming to see Liam developing and working towards goals for his corporation. He's currently at a contract where he's happy and it will hopefully see him through almost all of 2010.

Nick and Lily have grown in leaps in bounds in all senses of the word since last year.

Nick is stepping away from the world of the younger child and since shortly before his ninth birthday I've been catching glimpses of the teenager and man he'll be in only a few short years. His deep interest in reading has opened up so many doors to the world around him and his brain is like a giant sponge just mopping up and storing every little scrap of information he sees, hears, or experiences. He constantly amazes me with his understanding and patience of things that I barely even notice. I think the older this boy gets, the deeper he gets. I'm so incredibly grateful that we are homeschooling him as I watch him mull things over and work things out inside of his head over such long periods of time. He works on his own schedule, whether he's eating a sandwich for an hour or contemplating the concept of inflation for an afternoon, and I'm happy that his lifestyle allows him to operate in the way that works best for him.

And then Lily. Oh Lily. My little firecracker with glittering diamonds for eyes. I keep finding myself looking at her and wondering when she got so old. I feel like she was two years old and then I took a few breaths to pay attention to my pregnancy and then all of a sudden I have this big kid four year old living in my home. She's a walking clash of stereotypes, wearing pink dresses and makeup but then being too stubborn to cry when she's hurt and beating the crap out of her big brother. Watching Lily blossom into the role of being a big sister has been one of the most rewarding experiences of the year for sure. She loves Olivia. So so much. During the night, if Olivia starts to cry Lily will half wake to make sure her little sister is ok. Lily wants to make her laugh, keep her safe, hold her, play with her, squeeze her, and even lick her if she can get away with it. Watching the two of them together makes me wonder what the years ahead will hold for them. Never having had a sister of my own, it's a world of mystery to me that leaves me feeling a little bit jealous.

And then of course we have me. After having taken so much time for myself in 2008 to train for and run my second half marathon, 2009 was the kind of year that kicked me in the shins on a personal level. I knew it was coming, that's what you get when you get pregnant and bring a new baby into the family. Now that Olivia is five months old, I'm feeling the need to start carving out some me time in my life again. Instead of holding her while she sleeps in the evenings, I've been stashing her up in bed with Lily and reveling in having my arms and my breasts free for a few hours. The postpartum haze is lifting a bit and I'm feeling the need to exercise my brain more with reading a writing. (Actually, I have this big piece of writing that's been chewing away on my brain for a while but I'm too intimidated to actually start working on it. I need to get it out before it makes me crazy!) I've also started making more time for my physical self during my everyday life with a focus on my health through tracking calories and exercising more. I'm trying to find that magical balance where I have enough time for everything, or at least find peace with the amount of balance I've achieved so far. I'll let you know how that goes.

And there, I guess, you have it. What a year of extremes. We lost a family member, we gained a family member. Some really big moments too place this year, but so many days and weeks were filled with the low-key moments that get lost in the shuffle of years. It's been a year that has pushed me and changed me a lot, which I guess is a good thing seeing as it's spitting me out right in time for my 30th birthday. I feel like turning 30 should signify that I've got some life experience and some wisdom under my belt. Some days I feel like I'm there. Other days I feel like I really don't know what the heck I'm doing.

So anyhow, the year was what it was. Loved it, hated it, glad to know that I'm not going to be slogging through it once more. I hope that everyone who pops by here to read this has had a rewarding year to date and that 2010 is filled with the love and joy of the people most dear to them.

Body After Baby Challenge 2010

Annie over at PhD In Parenting wrote about getting her body back and losing weight, and in the comments section a reader linked to the Body After Baby Challenge 2010 over on Mama Notes. I went, I read, and I had two thoughts: "Hey, I have an after-baby body going on right now!" and "Oooh, weight-loss challenge! I need a kick in the pants to keep me on track!".

And so...I'm jumping in.

My friend Raelynn and I have recently decided that we will put BlackBerry Chat to good use and we've become weight-loss buddies, so I've already got my first sort-term goal in place. My 30th birthday is in 22 days and I wanted to have lost 10 lbs by that point. I'm 5 lbs away right now (I was 4 lbs away but some Christmas indulgences nixed that last pound), so I've got 22 days to lose 5 lbs. Easy peasy.

My next goal is at the next 25 lb mark. With some quick mental calculations, reality and big plans come together to give me a goal date of June 1, 2010. When I've hit that goal, I'll set a goal date for the last 30ish lbs.

Next up: The Why Question! Why am I doing this? Well, the joining the challenge part is to help with motivation and staying focused. The road to losing 60 lbs isn't going to be a short stroll through the park. It'll be more like running a half marathon in 33 degree weather and getting heat stroke. Been there, done that. Hated the process, loved the ending! Having some folks along for the ride will make it easier to keep trudging along.

There are many reasons why I'm getting back on the road to weight loss. I want to wear something other than yoga pants and wrap skirts. I want to have more energy. I want to enjoy shopping for clothes. I want to improve my health. I want to stop wondering why it looks like I'm still pregnant when I can clearly see that the fetus has long since exited my uterus.

Oh yeah, and I want to not die when I get back into running in the spring. Have I mentioned how much I miss running? It's been 13 months since I ran my last 10K run, with Olivia dancing a happy little dance on my uterus with such vigor that I'll be eternally grateful to that dirty little bathroom at the 7-eleven. I. Miss. Running. I miss the quiet alone time. I miss the after-run buzz. I miss how good those walk breaks felt. I miss the elation of dropping minutes off my time and pounds off my hips. Le sigh.

And on to the next section: The How! The simple answer is move more and eat less. But that's too simple, too vague for me when faced with chocolates and the opportunity to sit my rear on the couch.

I recently downloaded a calorie tracking app for my BlackBerry which is linked to My Daily Plate, and on the days I actually enter in all my foods all day it serves me really well (as in I dropped 3 lbs in the first 2 days!). But I've been slacking since Christmas Eve. Bad Kim. Just because you don't enter the chocolates and pie into the calorie tracker doesn't mean your thighs don't notice them. Hence that last pound coming back to visit.

On the other side of the coin, the moving more part, I'm going to make good use of my Walking Away The Pounds DVD since it eliminates the excuse of not wanting to go out in the cold. It's also an exercise video I've been doing with Olivia on my back and the big kids joining in, so no excuses of the kids getting in the way either! I'm also going to create more opportunities to move more such as going for walks when it's nice out, creating a set of strength exercises I can do daily at home, and the all-important kitchen dancing with the small folks. As the weather improves and my pelvis remembers that it's not woobly and pregnant anymore, I'll pick running back up again with the goal of doing a 5K race early in the summer. I would secretly love to get a 10K trail race in by the time fall hits, but we'll see how training for that works alongside parenting the three hooligans.

And so...there we have it. The plan. The commitment. The hopes. I'll hit publish now before I think about it too much.

The homeschooly life

Today our family met with Mark, our new homeschool facilitator. We reviewed my education plan for the coming school year, completed a parent evaluation, and snacked on banana bread and tea (which Lily was happy to serve out of her little tea party set).

Writing up Nicholas' education plan and discussing it with Mark today has got me examining our homeschooling life. We're in the midst of our third year of homeschooling and in many ways it feels like we're just getting into our groove.

In the first year, I struggled with finding our style. At first I took the approach of relaxed eclectic but within a few months I realized that, at heart, we were really unschoolers. I just had to get over my fear of trusting Nicholas and his ability to pursue learning. The rest of that year I felt the aches and pains over learning and trusting in the process, but we never lost sight of the fact that homeschooling was the right choice for our family.

The second year was a flurry of activity. Nick and Lily were getting a feel for the things they liked and we spent days upon days prowling about the science center and libraries. So much of my energy went towards my pregnancy that there were times I felt I was barely keeping up with the kids.

This, our third year, is different in so many ways. With Olivia's arrival, dynamics and relationships within the family have changed. Nick and Lily are now the both the big kids, and as Lily becomes old enough to join in on some programs and start doing workbooks she feels more than ever like she's homeschooling as well. Nick is more immersed than ever in his books and projects, and it's not uncommon for the girls and I to be doing activities together while Nick tucks himself off somewhere in the house to learn and create on his own.

I took a different approach to creating Nick's education plan this year. Normally, I listed out all the various subjects and created goals and strategies pertaining to each subject. When I sat down to work on it this year, though, it seemed more than ever that this layout didn't reflect our approach to learning our my views on Nick's development as a well-rounded individual. Instead, I created the headings of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual and included under this broad areas what we are and will be doing this year. I'm really happy with the outcome and the way that it allows much more room for the life learning that is part of our homeschooling life.

In discussing with Mark our journey from public schooling to homeschooling, I had the chance to really appreciate just how much this approach to life and learning has meant to our family. I love the way that Nick has positively flourished in these past few years and the way that our family relationships have grown and strengthened through our family-focused lifestyle. In the midst of the myriad of mommy worries, at least I can know without a doubt that in this area we've made the best choice for our family.

Burn baby burn

So in my efforts to return to my pre-pregnancy weight, I've been learning more about calorie consumption and expenditure. There are lots of fancy calculators online where you enter in your weight and how long you did an activity and then it tells you how many calories you burned.

Some of the activities are ridiculously exact ("laying crushed rock") and some are just outright bizarre ("caulking, except a log cabin") but I've noticed that they all seem to have one thing in common: they don't take into consideration the extreme multi-tasking that a mom of 3 deals with on a daily basis.

To help out any of you fellow moms who might find yourselves in need of a more realistic list of daily activities in your calorie burn calculator, I offer you the following.

Sweeping floors, 30 minutes - 157 calories

Sweeping floors while jiggling a fussy baby on your hip, 30 minutes - 183 calories

Sweeping floors while jiggling a fussy baby on your hip and dodging two children and a dog playing tag, 30 minutes - 204 calories

Putting away laundry, 30 minutes - 110 calories

Putting away laundry with the help of children who need to be reminded every 30 seconds about the job at hand and how it has nothing to do with punching anyone or playing with Lego, 30 minutes - 159 calories (just call it 318, though, since you know it's going to take twice as long)

Cooking, 30 minutes - 95 calories

Cooking while wearing baby in a sling, 30 minutes - 117 calories (add 20 calories if baby is nursing)

Cooking while wearing baby in a sling with the "help" of two children, 30 minutes - 155 calories

Food shopping, 30 minutes - 110 calories

Food shopping in the bulk foods section with a curious 4 year old, 30 minutes (if you can last that long) - 259 calories

Sexual activities, 30 minutes - 62 calories

Sexual activities requiring climbing two flights of stairs and locking the door to hide from the children, 30 minutes - 89 calories (add 10 calories if you had to make an extra effort to be quiet)

Before you ask, no I don't have any scientific backings on any of these numbers, only many hours of practical study. Far too many (well, except maybe for that last one).

Looking at my ultra-reliable chart here might lead one to believe that pregnancy weight should just come flying off in a house of our activity level, but there's an intricate equation which relates the level of daytime stress to the level of evening chocolate consumption. But that's the makings of a whole other blog entry...

While the oatmeal pot soaks

I remember this crazy, hormonally-induced mini panic attack I had during my pregnancy with Lily when I tried to figure out how I was going to take care of my big kid (Nick) while dealing with the constant and intense demands of my newborn (Lily!). I remembered how all-encompassing meeting Nick's needs during the first few months was. When I did the math of 23.5 hours a day of newborn care added to the 11.5 hours a day that my then 4-year-old needed I came to the realization that there were simply not enough hours in the day. And it was too late to turn back.

Things continued on (obviously), and eventually our baby girl arrived and things sorted themselves out. I learned to juggle children's needs. I learned to prioritize. Most importantly, though, I learned to multitask like I'd never multitasked before. I remember playing Mario Kart with Nick one afternoon while nursing two week old Lily Lou (hands-free nursing is the best skill ever, by the way).

Four years later, here I am again learning all over again how to squeeze more of me out of my days. Babywearing is a huge part in this as I'm able to carry, nurse, and comfort Olivia on the go or while using both my hands for taking care of other family members. We're also able to be much more mobile than we would be if she had to be in a crib to nap. If I've got a wrap, a drink, and some diapers I can head out with the big kids to explore and enjoy the world around us.

The other thing I'm learning is to use the small moments. The other day the kids and I were listening to their new Music Together cd (I'll dedicate a post sometime to rave about how much we love Music Together) while they were playing with Play Dough and I was washing dishes, and Olivia was snoozing on my back in the Mei Tai (lazy little slacker!).

I stuck the oatmeal pot in the sink to let it soak for a bit and I scooped up Lily to dance around the kitchen for a bit. When the song ended, she went back to her sculpting and I went back to my dishes, and I couldn't help but think of how when Nick was her age I'd have had time to dance to the entire cd with him. Not that I really felt Lily was lacking for attention since she was chattering away with Nick and I, but it's just different.

I had more of this post in my head at some point, but I'll wrap it up here since I foresee the rest of this just turning into the totally disjointed thought process that my sleep-deprived brain is coming up with now. G'night! *yawn*

The many faces of the Lil

What happens when you let an almost-4-year-old play with your camera? First, you get lots of pictures. Lots of blurry close-ups, many of which are hard to identify. Secondly, you get self-portraits. Many, many self-portraits. And if that kid happens to be Lily-Lou, you get some that look like this:







59 minutes til your birthday, you little nutter. Happy (early) birthday!!!

Snapshots

Kelly and Lorry came by today for a visit and to drop off a camera. Lorry saw my Facebook status about my still-missing camera and generously offered us an extra one they had at home. As a scrapbooker and a sappy mom, not being able to take pictures for around 3 weeks of Olivia's 6 weeks out in the real world was making me sad and Kelly and Lorry's thoughtfulness was very touching.

We all took turns snapping some photos this afternoon (seeing Lily's gave me a better idea of how our house looks to 3-year-olds!) and when I was taking a whole bunch of Olivia, Lily asked me why I was taking so many. I told her that sometimes you have to take three hundred pictures to get a good one.

Out of over a hundred I downloaded from the memory card, our entire life can be summed up in just 3 photos.



First off, a picture that Liam took of Nick, Olivia, and I. Nick's there in body but not in mind. That's the kid I have so frequently these days. Physically, he's home with me, but his thoughts are elsewhere, whether wedged between the pages of his current book or somewhere just beyond himself where he's re-living this morning's video game or plotting out his next project to build with treasures from the recycling bin.

Then there's me, not a trace of the makeup I used to wear every day, hair kind of pulled back into a falling out ponytail, and wearing stretchy clothes that mostly cover the bulges and bumps that my postpartum body is made of. While I do miss the way I used to have time to straighten my hair, carefully put on makeup, and pick out nice outfits that compliment my body, I'm far too enthralled with the little squishy person in my hands to really mind that I totally lack the time and energy to do these things anymore.

And then there is, of course, Olivia. She's cute. And squishy. And you can almost smell her milky goodness from the photo. And that is currently the entirety of her existence.


And then we have a picture I took. It was supposed to be of Olivia but Lily felt the need to get in there too. My dear, amazing, beautiful Lily. I can't get a normal picture of her. Or maybe all the crazy faces are normal since she makes them all the time. And the jumping in on whatever Olivia's doing? That's almost the entirety of her existence these days. She seems to alternate between loving up the baby and trying to be one of the big kids with Nick. If there's action somewhere, she wants in on it. If my attention is on something, she wants to make sure I'm still aware of her too. What she lacks in patience, she more than makes up for in enthusiasm and pure spirit.


And finally, we have Liam in a photo all by himself looking slightly pained. It often feels like there's a three-ring circus going on at home and Liam's off at work, stressing and making his brain smoke a little. I sometimes have these moments when he leaves the house when I envy his bus ride to work where he gets to listen to his own music or read a book uninterrupted, but the reality of the situation is that I don't envy the load he bears in being our breadwinner. I know that the worries and problems he confides in me are only the tip of the iceberg, and that his efforts and responsibilities are enormous.


So there you have it, a package of Johnstones all wrapped up in a package of three snapshots. I look forward to the days when I'll look back on these pictures and swoon over the memory of Olivia's babyness, wonder how I ever thought that Nick was old at almost 9, laugh at the young woman that nutty little Lily grew into, appreciate the time and energy I have for myself again, and feel ever more grateful for my incredible partner in life.

Evolutionary Parenting

This post was originally going to be all about babywearing, its benefits, and my history with slings, wraps, and my Ergo, but somehow between the business of life and the giant gaping hole where my brain used to be, the writing in my head is not materializing into writing on the screen.

Here, instead, is a brief glimpse into the love affair I'm enjoying with my wrap. It's a Merry Carry that I purchased from my dear friends at Tadpoles and Butterflies.

First some pictures. Right off the bat, we have a shot love the lovely Olivia enjoying a wrap-induced snuggle a few hours after her birth:



A naked afternoon nap on day 2:

Her first outing on day 3, a walk to the playground.


My activities while wearing Olivia in the wrap these past couple of weeks include:

• eating
• sleeping
• blogging
• sweeping the kitchen
• cleaning the toilet
• riding the bus
• buying groceries
• going for a walk while Lily rides her bike
• chilling at Folk Fest
• preparing meals (I was going to say cooking, but that's a bit of a strong term for the food prep I've been doing lately)
• doing laundry

The only thing I've yet to manage that's really important to me is nursing her in the wrap. Once she's a bit bigger it'll be easier and I'll be more mobile. Woo!

For anyone who's interested in reading more about the benefits of babywearing, here's a list of informative links from The BabyWearer.

Priorities

Life these days seems like an endless series of bodily functions. Someone needs to eat. Someone needs to sleep. Someone needs to pee or poo. Part of it has to do with adding another person into our family and part of it has to do with how much that small person's bodily functions require my personal attention.

Every day is a bit better, but we're still miles from what was normal life a few weeks ago. Today, the sum total of my productivity was keeping most of my family taken care of and purchasing $300 worth of groceries. A year ago, that would have been a small part of my day and I could have gone on another outing or two and still had time and energy to spare. Today, though, by the time I shipped the older kids off to Grandma's house, fed the baby, washed the puke off the baby, dressed the baby, fed the baby, changed the baby's diaper, and got the baby to sleep so I could drive the five minutes to the grocery store, it was 4:30 in the afternoon. That's an entire day gone. Woosh!

Times like these help me determine my true priorities. Sleep, food, clean(ish) clothing. Those are the bare minimums. From there I can add in things like getting some cleaning done, playing with the big kids, poking around on the computer or talking to someone on the phone (or not, right Chad?!). A big leap above that is actually leaving the house. I'm only finding that I'm up to that feat every couple of days, which should make the upcoming 5 day stint of Folk Fest very interesting.

And now my priority is shifting from this rambly blog post to the frustrated baby who won't settle for her Dad...