In desperate need of entertainment

Taking a Leap

2011-02-21T22:39:00.001-07:00

After much pondering and discussion, I've decided to make a bloggy leap of sorts.

This blog has been a place to stay in touch with friends and to chatter about things on my mind, but over the past months and years I've found the tone to be shifting. As of late, I've been feeling more drawn to writing about the things in my heart and sharing my thoughts on the things I feel passionate about.

The logical path for my writing seems to be to put my time and energy into my previously neglected business blog. I want to accomplish more with my writing than just getting my thoughts out. I also want to devote attention into developing a resource for my business. These two things combined have brought me here.

I've transferred a number of posts from this blog to the Nature Baby Blogging, the ones I feel reflect the ideas and personal background I want to bring to my clients. I'm not entirely sure of the fate of this blog, whether this will be the last ever entry or if I'll pop on here to share more personal things, but if you follow me over here please do join me over at Nature Baby Bloggings.

Here's to appreciating the past and welcoming the potential of the future!
------------------------
Post-publishing note: My editor (aka Liam) has just pointed out that I didn't actually include a link to my new blog. Huh. That might be useful. Here it is! Nature Baby Bloggings

The myth of having it all

2011-02-10T00:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight, my mind is whirling after some inspiration from a fantastic piece of writing on mothering and feminism, and also from a friend's blog entry about her struggles. Together, these pieces of writing have me pondering the disservice of the "You can have it all!" myth.

Children are told they can be anything they set their minds to. Girls are told they have the freedom to pursue any path they want and that they can excel at everything. They can be a doctor and a mommy, and they can simultaneously be the best doctor and the best mommy because feminism has paved that road for them.

And so, we little girls grew up and we took that message to heart. We excelled in every class (even math and science of course!), we went on to post-secondary institutions to earn fabulous degrees, we secured careers, we planned lavish weddings, we birthed a few kids, we baked cupcakes for the bake sale, and we kept an immaculate home every step of the way. We can have it all! So we will have it all! And we'll do everything to our fullest and perfectly because we expect it of ourselves.

And yet...none of it is all perfect and grand. We have some things that come easily to us and other areas where we struggle. We passionately pursue some areas of our lives but we feel resentful about other areas. We feel less than perfect and we beat ourselves up for our failings. We try to stretch ourselves to be everything all the time but there simply isn't enough of us to go around. We're tired. We're overwhelmed. We're disappointed in all the failings we see when we can't quite be fantastic at everything.

Here's what I think: I think that we can't have it all. I think that everything is out there for use to have, but that we need to choose what we want the most for us, whether it's for today or this year or this lifetime. And then we have to go after that with a dedication and joy that doesn't care about all the other paths.

If we want to delve deep into the attachment parenting world and breastfeed on demand for years and make all our own home cooked foods from scratch and homeschool our children, then so be it. If we want to have wildly successful careers that require 60 hour workweeks which don't leave time for children or for us to be our child's main caretaker at least, then so be it. Pick one and go with it.

If we want to be the spontaneous mother who is forever bringing her kids on adventurous vacations and pursuing in-depth hobbies by moving to some guru's hut for 6 months, then we should. If we want to be the well-planned-out mother who has an intricate carpool schedule to get each of her children to their activities on time as well as racking up at least three volunteer commitments each week, then we should. But we can't carpool from our guru's hut and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for that.

If we want to graduate from high school and delve straight into family life and have all our kids grown and moved out by the time we're 45, we should embrace that. If we want to attend 15 years of post-secondary and then backpack around the world for a few years before settling down, we should joyfully pursue that path. If we want to parent in the boundless energy of our youth or in the tempered wisdom of our more mature age, we should welcome the gifts we have to give our children each day.

We can't have it all and be it all and excel at it all. There are too many tempting valid options in every area of life to take a piece of everything all at once. We can, however, deliberately choose the path we set upon and walk each step with full awareness and joy. And maybe that's having all right there, after all.

My Parenting Essentials

2011-02-08T00:09:00.003-07:00

Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Essentials

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared the parenting essentials that they could not live without.
Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

When I started to think about things I cannot imagine parenting without, my mind went immediately to material things. We have a number of items in our home that I consider important to our daily life. Our Learning Tower sees a lot of use every day, my camera helps me to record our moments, my spiffy Blendtec blender has become a main tool in our kitchen.

And yet...I can imagine parenting without these items. In the end, they're tools. They're tools I cherish and enjoy but in the end they're still just things.

The deeper answer to the question of my parenting essentials are things which cannot be bought or kept.

My husband's companionship is first and foremost what I cannot imagine parenting without. He is the rock on which our family rests. He is my parenting partner, physically when he is home and emotionally when he's at work. He is my main sounding board when I have frustrations or new ideas, and he helps me to find my center and my true direction when I'm scattered. I am blessed beyond words to have him as my children's father.

Outside of my relationship with my husband, I have relationships with other parents. Over the years I've come to realize that these relationships are also essential to my work as a parent. There is the superficial, and yet still deeply necessary, social aspect of friendships. I need people to talk with, to laugh with, to sit quietly with. The value in these friendships go far beyond this, though. In friendships I find resources for information, examples of how to approach situations, a place to express my fears and triumphs, and a place of normalcy when I'm feeling like an outsider with my parenting choices. There is something deeply satisfying about being in the company of a person who truly understands you, and I often feel most understood in the presence of a mom walking a similar path. She can empathize with my frustrations about difficulties and share my joy in the truly good things in a way only another mom can.

In the end, people and relationships are the things I can't imagine parenting without. There are few jobs quite as intense and demanding as parenting, and having a support system in my husband and my friends is more valuable than anything I could ever purchase.

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Not Without Him — The love Starr at Taking Time shares with her husband is the foundation of her parenting.
I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without B(.)(.)bs — From an uneducated dreamer to a breastfeeding mother of a toddler, nursing has forever changed Kristy at Strings to Things's relationship with her daughter and her outlook on life.
Raising a Child in the Internet Village — When Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction has a question or concern about parenting, she turns to the Internet. What did parents do before Google?
Partner in Crime and Parenting — Bethy at Bounce Me to the Moon can't imagine parenting without her husband's sense of humor - he brings her laughter and love every day.)
I Make Milk — Patti at Jazzy Mama can't imagine trying to mother her babies without her breasts, but she could do it if she had to.
New Perspectives Bring New Beginnings — MJ at Wander Wonder Discover, who is a former authoritarian mamma, has gained perspective via parenting.
Time Out! — Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog explores how time apart can increase your capacity to give unconditionally.
Unimaginable Without Him — Kristina at heyred designs is celebrating her amazing partner, without whom none of her parenting experience would be possible.
My Parenting Necessity — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl needs "me time" in order to be the Mama she wants to be.
Babywearing As a Way of Life — Darcel at The Mahogany Way talks about the benefits of babywearing in everyday life.
Parenting Partnership — Sometimes Abbie at Farmer's Daughter doesn't appreciate her husband enough, but she definitely couldn't imagine parenting without his help.
Parenting Essentials — Momma Jorje loves her parenting products, but she needs you even more.
My Parenting Must-Have: Support — Joella at Fine and Fair wrote a letter to her daughter about the role that support from friends and family plays in her mothering.
It's More Than Just Hair — Think doing hair is full of fluff? Too girly? Useless? Karli from Curly Hairdo Ideas used to think so too.
The Minimalist Parent — The parents at Living Peacefully with Children embrace a minimalist perspective when it comes to baby gear. A good sling is all they need.
Without My Breasts — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama can't imagine parenting without her breasts; here's why.
Loves Books, Loves People — Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante discovers that the library is a perfect fit for her family's needs.
An Ode to the Maya Wrap — RevMama's next child might be named Maya, because of her fondness for the sling.
Avoiding the Padded Room — Pecky at Benny and Bex is here to testify that it takes a village to raise a child.
My parenting essentials, from Tivo to battery-operated monstrosities — Lauren at Hobo Mama presents a list of parenting essentials you didn't even know you needed (and probably don't…).
Attachment Parenting Through Separation: It Makes It a Little Better — Jessica at This Is Worthwhile talks about how she couldn't survive her separation without attachment parenting and the bond it's afforded her with her 3 year old son.
Parenting Essentials — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares the principles she used to parent her children from infants to adults.
My Parenting Essentials — The things that are truly essential to Kim at In Desperate Need of Entertainment aren't things at all.
I'm No One Without My Sling — How baby carrying is essential to the parenting of Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama.
I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without... — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine talks about what she needs to raise her children.
February Carnival of Natural Parenting — Through her experiences over the last five and a half years, Casey at Love What Is has discovered her most important tool for parenting is using her instincts.
CNP: I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without __________. — The Artsymama discloses the one thing that gave her back control of herself as a parent.
Laugh Until I Cry — Laughing with her sons keeps Acacia at Fingerpaint & Superheroes connected and grounded.
I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without — Luschka at Diary of a First Child realizes what the one thing she can't imagine parenting without is, and it turns out it's not a thing after all.
It Takes Two — Here are a few of the reasons why Jenn at Adventures Down Under cannot imagine parenting without her fabulous husband.
Stopping to Listen — Though it wasn't easy at first, Knocked Up - Knocked Over cannot imagine parenting her daughter without listening first to what she is telling her.
The Essence of Parenting — There are many wonderful resources that make life easier for Michelle at the Parent Vortex to parent, but the essence is the relationship between parent and child.
What I Cannot Live Without — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker considers her computer to be a parenting lifeline.
True Blessings: White Noise and Grandparents — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment can't live without her white noise machine and the support of her parents.
The Necessities! — What "stuff" does a natural parent like Lily, aka Witch Mom really need? Not much, it turns out.
Mama Showed Me — Mama Mo at Attached at the Nip writes about how parenting wisdom is passed on by example.
Ode to the Loo — For Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch, the bathroom is her safe place, where she can take a minute to calm down if she is feeling touched out.
Go, Mama. Go! — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. has been able to integrate her many roles through her get-up-and-go parenting essential, exercise!
My Other Half — Becky at Old New Legacy realizes what a relief it is to have her husband parent alongside her.
Grace, Love, and Coffee — MrsH at Fleeting Moments realizes that lifelines can take the form of the profound, or the mundane. Both are ok.
Supportive Spouse, Check! — There are so many parenting tools and gadgets that are superfluous, but the one essential, for Danielle at born.in.japan, has been her supportive spouse.
Why I'm a Babywearer — Meredith at Becoming Mamas reflects on the ways babywearing has enhanced her mama baby relationship...and made life easier to boot.
It's Marvelous Out Here, Kiddo! — Rachael at The Variegated Life can't imagine parenting in the big city without the marvels of Prospect Park to share with her Critter.
Yes, Thank You — Amy at Anktangle offers tips on how to ask for and accept help, an essential for successful parenting.
Parenting Essentials Checklist: Mom’s Inner Rebel and Her Kids’ Voices — Olivia at Write About Birth reflects on raising global citizens and saying no to societal norms.
Eco-Mama Online! — An Eco-Mama living in the mountains of a nature island, Terri at Child of the Nature Isle finds it essential to connect to nature and to connect online.
Sorry, We Just Sold the Last One — Nev at The Adventures of Lime confesses she missed out the day they handed out patience.
Laugh — Tashmica at The Mother Flippin' Blog reveals her super power, her talisman agains mean mommy.
My Priceless Parenting Resource — What do books, a magazine community, my mother and the local playgroup have in common? Lucy at Dreaming Aloud tells us...
The Gift of Shared Time — Tree at Mom Grooves strives to experience the world from her daughter's perspective.
Follow the Giggles — Dionna at Code Name: Mama can’t live without the sound of her child’s giggles - come watch her video and you’ll agree!
Can I Mommy Without Boob? — Emily at Crunchy(ish) Mama shares her fears about weaning and losing part of that the mother/child bond.

Intention

2011-02-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

This morning, CBC shared a story on its website about how the Breastfeeding Coalition of P.E.I is working towards establishing breastfeeding rooms in various venues across the province. This piece featured a hockey arena which has converted an unused dressing room into a place for moms to nurse. This way moms who don't want to sit on the cold hard benches in the arena have a place to go, and the room even has some toys to occupy siblings.

I'm always happy to see breastfeeding discussed in a positive light in the media. I'm also thrilled to see that efforts have been put into making it easier to meet the needs of babies. Taking care of tiny people is intense and just the thought of someone being accommodating can be a huge blessing to a frazzled parent.

Part of me, though, cringes as the other side of the message that this breastfeeding room might send. Will people think that moms are "supposed" to breastfeed only in these rooms? Will moms who feed their babies in the stands be subjected to pressure to move since there's an entire room dedicated to them? Will this help or hinder the message that breastfeeding is a normal part of parenting?

Mother's rooms or nursing rooms can be extremely useful in some situations. For the mom of a distractible nursling, a quiet place can sometimes serve as the only place where the baby will breastfeed. Or sometimes a quiet room can be what the mom needs in order to catch a few minutes of downtime to recharge. Some moms are not comfortable breastfeeding in public in the early days or at all, and so the availability of a nursing room can allow her to attend events she might otherwise miss out on.In these situations, nursing rooms are a fantastic tool.

On the other hand, there are plenty of moms who would choose not to use the nursing rooms. There are moms who don't want to miss out on the hockey game, moms who are comfortable nursing in front of others, moms who want to remain with their friends or family, or moms whose child who nurses for 30 seconds at a time every 5 minutes. For these moms, staying where they are is what would make them most comfortable and while the option of using a nursing room is nice, there should be no implication that they need to move there before feeding their child.

Whether a mom chooses to nurse in the nursing room or while watching the hockey game, I would hope that both choices are seen as acceptable. Breastfeeding is often something that we as a society support to in theory but that we have problems showing support for in reality. Showing support for mothers who are breastfeeding in public goes a long way in normalizing breastfeeding and in helping families to meet their breastfeeding goals.

So I welcome these nursing rooms and I think it's great to let moms know that the option to use them exists, but let's also continue to send the message that nursing in public wherever a mom may be is also an equally-acceptable option.

Tragedy

2011-02-02T21:31:00.001-07:00

I sit at home and I see only what is in front of me. Dirty dishes. Laughing children. The dog who needs to be fed.

Small things, in the big picture of it all. Big things, in the moment.

I start reading stories of the violence in Egypt. People injured. People killed. People running scared in the streets. Not in some textbook, some snippet in history from that war that one time. Right now, right exactly as I sit here.

Demonstrators in Giza.

How can my world, my moments, my superficial thoughts all go on just like nothing is happening? I can't possibly be that disconnected from living breathing people who are not so different from me.

I remember my friend talking about the world going on despite the tragedy that tore her life apart and how deeply unfair it felt. Is it fair of my life to go on as normal when witnessing another's tragedy?

I can't stop my superficial moments. I can't quiet the children and their needs. I can't push pause indefinitely on my joy and happiness.

But what can I do? I can stop. I can reexamine. I can choose what is truly superficial and not worth my worry. I can choose what is meaningful and place my attention there. I can experience each moment of my life and use it for more than fretting about petty things.

I can love more. I can give more. And I can pray.

Christians standing to protect Muslims as they pray in Egypt today.

Mmm, mmm, pancakes

2011-01-28T13:52:00.001-07:00

I try to cook breakfasts for our family every morning so that we don't just eat cold cereal and/or end up hungry and grumpy part way through our mornings. I love this pancake recipe I got from my mom a few years back since not only are the pancakes yummy but the oats, eggs and the optional add-ins offer some protein (AKA Breakfast Staying Power). It also is really forgiving of substitutions and "ish" measurements.

Grandma's Oatmeal Pancakes:

2 1/2 cups flour
2 cups quick cooking oats
1/2 cup sugar or honey
1 tsp salt
1 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
2 eggs
4 cups milk
1/2 cup oil

In a large bowl, mix together flour, oats, sugar (if using honey wait and put it in the liquids later), salt, baking powder and cinnamon.

In a smaller bowl whisk together eggs, milk, oil, and honey (if you're using honey instead of sugar). Add the liquids into the large bowl and mix together.

Let stand 10 minutes to thicken and then cook in a frying pan over medium heat.

Extras (I typically do one or more)
- 1/4 cup ground flax seed
- 1/2 cup chopped nuts
- 1 cup frozen blueberries
- 1/2 cup finely ground pumpkin/sunflower seeds.

Today I put in a couple of mashed bananas also, and I thought that it made the batter crazy thick (as you can see by the beefy pancake in the photo) but I've now realized that I didn't add enough milk. This is the doubled version of the recipe and I doubled everything but the milk. Gah! Anyhow, the bananas were yummy but I can't say how they work if you actually follow the recipe properly.

The Shaping of a Mother

2011-01-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering lately the profound impact children have on their parents. In studying my course material the other day, I was reviewing charts which show the ebb and flow of hormones in pregnant and lactating women. Prolactin, oxytocin, and estrogen are some of the main hormones which rise and fall during various stages and which continue to be impacted by a breastfeeding baby's actions until the very last nursing.

These hormones have numerous seen an unseen impacts. Any mom who has breastfed can tell you about the nap-inducing qualities of breastfeeding a newborn or about how the sound of her (or any other) baby can can cause an instantaneous ache within her breasts.

Oxytocin is the "love" hormone, and as part of the milk ejection reflex a mother's level of oxytocin remains raised for a few minutes after each feeding. It helps to foster feelings of affection and strengthens the bond between mother and baby.

Parents think and talk a lot about their impact on children. We debate whether nature or nurture plays a bigger role, where to draw the line between permissive and overly authoritative parenting, and which educational approaches will best help our children to flourish. So much is the focus on what we're doing to them, but I wonder if what they do to us is just as profound.

For 40 weeks of pregnancy and for up to years of breastfeeding after, a child creates daily physical changes in his mother's body. The literature out there shows us the huge impacts these changes have on things like reducing risks of some forms of cancers, osteoporosis and diabetes, but I really wonder on a personal, emotional level what being repeatedly washed in bursts of hormones does to a woman.

In her book Why Love Matters, Sue Gerhardt describes how our genes express themselves based not only on our genetic makeup but also based on environmental triggers. Her focus in the book is on how oxytocin impacts growth in an infant's brain, and I wonder about the awakenings that take place within a mother.

A friend talked to me about a book called The Tao of Parenting. While, I haven't read the book yet, the section she spoke about has stuck in my brain. The act of parenting pushes us and refines us in a way that few other experiences do. In the book the author draws a parallel between monks who endure physical hardships as a way of seeking enlightenment with the parent who walks the halls hour upon hour with a crying infant. We are pushed beyond our comfort zone, forced to find a deeper place within ourselves when we truly feel we can't go on for another moment.

Being a mom of three kids has brought me to many places I never imagined I'd go. I've been so angry and overwhelmed that I've needed to walk away before causing physical harm. I've sat holding sleeping children, in tears at the beauty and perfection before me. I've gained an instantaneous bond with women I've never met before when we have nothing in common other than the role of mother.

I never entered the role of mother expecting for it to be a path of such self-development and deep personal change, but it has been. I frequently ponder the path my life would have taken had Nick not entered my life when he did, and I really wonder if I'd recognize that other person I would have become without the changes my children have stirred within me.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-19T12:44:00.001-07:00

Mesh produce bags. They're not just for your oranges, it seems.

Unschooling The Me

2011-01-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

Recently, I wrote about my thoughts on my career path and whether an online program to pursue midwifery was in the cards for me. Long story short, I rolled the idea around in my brain for a few weeks and came to the realization that the program was too time-intensive for what I'm able to take on right now.

Not long after I made this decision, a conversation with my friend about the upcoming changes for writing the IBCLC exam got me wondering if becoming an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) was perhaps a more fitting area of continuing my education. Currently, with my four years of experience being a La Leche League Leader, my only additional requirement before qualifying to write the exam is to complete 45 education hours. The time investment is relatively minimal in comparison to the midwifery program and it's more central to my current skill set.

I've registered for some online classes through Health-E Learnings and as I've been chipping away at the hours I've realized two things.

Firstly, becoming an IBCLC is definitely the right path for me. The more I learn about breastmilk composition and the mechanics of breastfeeding, the more passionate I become about sharing this information with mothers to help them avoid and overcome breastfeeding difficulties. We've had so many moms come to LLL looking for help with issues that range from simple and easy to complex and heart-breaking, and I feel like this added depth of knowledge gives me so much more of an ability to help. Even if I never seriously pursue paid IBCLC work, the value through my LLL work will make all this a worthwhile pursuit.

Secondly, learning new things has helped me to further appreciate unschooling. Since learning about and encompassing this educational style for our children, this is the first formal education I've participated in and it has truly reaffirmed my belief in unschooling.

The two goals in front of me are to complete my education hours and to prepare myself for writing the IBCLC exam. Because these are my own goals that I have set, I'm extremely motivated to meet them. When I'm nursing Olivia down for naps or at bedtime, I read my course material on the iPad. When the kids have gone to bed at night I pore over more material before I go to bed. I usually have one afternoon nap each week where the big kids are at my mom's and I happily dedicate my only alone time to afternoon reading (which, I've discovered, is worth double time since I'm actually fully awake and able to concentrate properly). With a big enticing goal set out in front of me, I'm very willing to make reading a priority.

I'm excited about the things I'm learning. I see the practical application of my new knowledge and I can't wait to share it. Two of my three textbooks just arrived and I've spent some time browsing through them (and maybe hugging and sniffing them if I need to be brutally honest here). I'll be reading through Breastfeeding and Human Lactation along with the study guide on my own, a much different experience from the times I've done textbook work for marks in past classes.

I've had the opportunity to further explore my learning style and how to best understand new information. I was really struggling with a section in a course where I had to learn the components of breastmilk along with their functions and fluctuations. I realized that I couldn't "see" the concept and so I spent a few hours taking notes and drawing out a breastmilk composition flow chart. It added significantly to the time it took me to complete that course, and I didn't need to do it in order to get credit for the hours, but it's the activity that helped to firmly plant that information in my brain.

My oh so pretty flow chart on our kitchen wall.

Reflecting on this has me looking at optional education as compared to mandatory education, and what type of experience I want my children to have.

I want for my kids to find things they're passionate about and to dive into them. I want them to feel driven to pursue education and skills because they believe that these things are vital to their personal development. I don't want education to be something my kids "have" to take part in without any understanding of how it will have a practical implication in their lives. I want them to be excited about the incredible things they can learn, and the way they can impact the world around them with these new abilities.

I thought that unschooling was simply an educational approach for my children but instead it has turned into a lens through which I view the world we live in. And so, the experience of unschooling my children has become an experience of unschooling myself as well.

Starting off the year

2011-01-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

I came across a nifty idea the other day called Project 365. The idea is that you take a picture a day for the year as a way of documenting your life and having fun. Since my rocking husband got me a rocking camera for Christmas, I'm totally on board. I figure I can learn the ropes of my new camera while exploring ideas during the year.

I'm putting the pictures over on a Flickr stream I started up and you're more than welcome to take a peek and make comments. I'll be updating it far more regularly than this blog if all goes according to plan. ;)

Happy New Year!!

Random awesome photo that I wanted to put in my 365 stream but it was taken a day too early. Not only is it pretty, but I stood in a freaking cardboard box in my pajamas on my deck and nearly froze my arms off to get this shot. And it's still not quite what I was aiming for. Bah.

From there to where?

2010-11-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Erron wrote a fantastic piece on her blog today about parenting styles and the judgment and guilt that go along with our choices. I've been mulling it over all day and trying to put to words my feelings on the whole topic.

First, I believe that judgement in parenting is real. I've been on the receiving and (sadly) the giving end of it. It happens on the mainstream and the "crunchy" sides of the coin and it can get downright ugly.

And then, a certain percentage of it is what I think is perceived judgement. A mom breastfeeding in public who feels angry eyes on her is in fact being watched by fellow breastfeeding moms who would like to make eye contact and send on a visual "Go you!" message. The mom who feels like 15 mothers are watching in disgust as her 2-year-old has a full out tantrum in the cereal aisle is really being seen by those mothers are remembering those rough moments and wishing there was something they could do to help.

I'm a big believer in energy (in case the Reiki, reflexology, flower essence work I do didn't tip you off). I believe that the more we sit and stew about judgement, the more energy and vitality we give to the mommy wars. The more we parent our children differently from our peers and fear their biting comments, the more we draw in those cutting and harsh remarks.

I love the "what if" game. What if you didn't have to worry about what other parents thought? What if you expected to be greeted with acceptance and understanding by everyone you met? What if you looked at other parents with the knowledge that they were doing the very best they could in that moment? What if we shared nothing but empathy with other mothers?

It's something to think about, isn't it?

I've had moments in my life where I've been checking off all the right boxes (Breastfeeding? Yup. Babywearing? For sure! Co-sleeping? Of course!) and yet I've been too busy looking at how I look to pay attention to why I'm doing all the things that I'm doing.

Attachment parenting isn't a checklist to complete. It's a loosely-defined parenting approach that I've come to see as pretty much describing my parenting style. We co-sleep, extend breastfeed, babywear, EC, discipline gently, unschool, and love unconditionally because these are the things that promote the types of relationships and environments for my children that I want.

When I'm too busy looking out there in the world, I'm not able to see those moments that are happening right inside of my home and my heart. When I'm able to let go of all that crap out there and just focus on these people I've been blessed to call my family, incredible things happen. There are moments of divine beauty and heart-bursting tenderness that I never could have imagined possible. My children and husband bring blessings and meaning into my life that I have to be fully present for in order to appreciate.

And in the end, isn't it that what it's all supposed to be about?

What'll I do when I grow up?

2010-11-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel like I know where I'm going, chugging happily along in the midst of the daily joyful chaos that fills our family home. We're moving forward to the vague future out there. We're growing the kids. We're exploring our interests. We're building lives full of goodness and love.

And then something falls from the sky and I'm left re-evaluating my focus. Yesterday, the something was a friend talking about a distance midwifery program that she's hoping to arrange a group discount for. At first I looked at it as one of those "Oh wouldn't it be nice if..." ideas, but the idea has been nibbling on my brain all day.

It's got me thinking hard about where I am, where I want to go, and how hard I want to work to get there. I've never given a whole bunch of thought to a career. I completed an Equine Sports Therapy program a few months before Nick was born and while I've worked with some fantastic horses along the way, I never set it in motion as a full-time career. I also completed a Holistic Health Practitioner program when Nick was young. Liam and I were married two months after I graduated and I worked in my field for a year before Lily was born. I've recently started my business where I work with families and offer my holistic health services to them.

This has all been "on the side" sort of stuff. I love what I've learned and the work that I do, don't get me wrong, but it's all been in the midsts of raising young children. There was never any question of me working instead of being home with the kids. Liam and I both entered this marriage knowing that me being home was a main priority.

Now, looking at this midwifery program that typically takes 3.5 years to complete, I'm looking ahead at my life. There will come a day when I don't have a child who needs to nurse to sleep and randomly throughout the night, and there will come a day when the youngest is old enough for the oldest to take care of for growing lengths of time. In 10 years, our kids will be 20, 15, and 11 and their needs for me won't be quite the same as they are today. And I'll be 40, with all sorts of working years ahead of me.

It's kind of like peeking out from behind this cloud of young-kid-parenting, this looking at the future. Who do I want to be when the dust settles? What do I want to be doing? Where do I want to be investing my time and energy?

To anyone who knows me well, it wouldn't be surprising to hear that I'm looking at delving further into the birth-y world. I find pregnancy and birth and the parenting of babies to be a personally fulfilling experience. I've developed strong views and opinions on how birth can be, and on how our society's dramatic view of birth as dangerous and frightening doesn't serve families very well.

In my ideal world, I'd love to see families experiencing pregnancy and birth from and empowered, informed place. In the Edmonton area, options are incredibly limited as the few midwives in the area are coming nowhere near meeting the demand and are they working under the limitations that came with provincial funding. Families are too often missing out on the ability to make choices because of a lack of available options. Hospital birth with an OB should be but one possibility in the midst of midwife-attended hospital birth, midwife-attended birth center births, midwife-attended homebirths, and unassisted homebirths.

Anyhow, I could go on rambling for ages about birthy stuff in and of itself, but the point of this entry is to try to figure out where I feel I fit into all of this. On the one hand, the possibility of becoming a midwife and giving families further options when it comes to birth is thrilling. I would personally get a lot of satisfaction out of it and I could see myself really enjoying training for it. On the other hand, is it the best investment of my time in relation to what I already have in my life? Are there better ways to serve families that wouldn't require such intensive training? Is this career path in keeping with what's best for my family as a whole?

Ho hum. Such heavy thoughts for so late at night. I'm not sure where the answers are out there or when I'll find them, but getting things written out is at least helpful for reflection. On that note, I'm off to close my eyes next to the small squishy child who's waiting for me in my bed!

Doing the 'do

2010-10-31T12:10:00.000-06:00

As the mom of 3, and in particular as the mom of a mom-centric toddler, I tend not to spend a whole lot of time doing things for me. The result of this ended up looking something like this:

(In a small bit of my defense, my hair wasn't always this terrible. I'd been wearing a bandanna all day so it was gross and flat.)

My hair was boring. It was shaggy and the style that it had from my last hair cut 5 months ago was looong gone. I was resorting to pony tails, braids, and of course my handy dandy friend the bandanna.

I wanted something different from the shoulder-ish length hair I'd been sporting for a few years. I wanted something fun. I wanted something different. And I really didn't want something dyed because I'm refusing to go down that road despite the growing numbers of gray hair making an appearance on my head these days.

I spent some time perusing the Googles. I threw in phrases like "curly bob", "asymmetrical curly", and "curly undercut". I found some hairstyles that were ok, some that were outright frightening, and then some that totally rocked. In the end, the two pictures that seemed closest to what I was aiming for were these.

Awesome undercut:

Amazing Mia hair:

I ended up bringing these photos to my hairdresser and we spent some time figuring out what would be most realistic for me. Before long, she hacked off a bunch of length, got my hair washed, and started cutting pieces out. Her approach was to take bits out at a time until all the parts came together in a way that my curls wanted.

In the end, I wound up with this:

From the front. (I tried to crop out the messy house in the background but Picasa is being a jerk today.)

The short side. I love this little straggly dude that keeps hopping over.

The back. I love how it turned out!

The straight version, today.

From the back. You can see the longest point in this shot. The whole style is set as a triangle.

I'm really, really thrilled with my hair. It's fun, it's easy to do, and I can think of about 7 different ways to style it so I don't think I'll ever get bored. I was worried that the asymmetry would bug me, but it feels balanced on my body. Which is kind of amusing to me as I've had long-standing issues with right-side left-side balance. Maybe this is just off-center enough to balance out my imbalances?

One way or another, it works. Yay for hair that's not frumpy and shaggy and all sorts of boring!

A Decade of Days

2010-10-06T20:44:00.000-06:00

Me and my little Nick and my friend Jo.

Ten years ago today, I gave birth to Nick at the hospital I can see today from my bedroom window. I was young and unaware of what was in store for me, he was small and beautiful and soft.

Right about at this time on that day, my visitors left and the room was quiet. I was there all alone with this tiny bundle in the bassinet beside my bed. I distinctly remember switching the lights down low and his tiny eyes flashing open only inches from my face. It scared the living daylights out of me.

We made it through that first night in a bumbling fumbling way. Every time he squawked at me I did my best to painfully sit upright and convince both of us that my breasts were actually some kind of food source.

Morning came eventually and I watched the world outside of my hospital room grow brighter. It was the dawn of my first day as a parent. Something deep and unseen in the world was altered from the day before. I stood at the window with this tiny little person held to my heart and it was the most beautiful moment I've ever lived in my life.

A Robert Duncan painting that I have in my livingroom which is like a reflection of that morning.

I've just now sent Nick off to bed, this shaggy-haired, big-eyed, lanky kid full of laughter and stories. I can't quite wrap my brain around superimposing that tiny delicate baby and this boy half way to adulthood. Where did they go, the days that spilled into years? How did my son grow into this boy bursting with ideas and dreams while I could swear that I still feel him nestled into my shoulder?

Nick in the ravine a couple of weeks ago.

This journey he's taken me on is beyond anything I ever could have imagined. He's taught me more about myself in ten years that I'd learned in the 20 years before I knew him. He's opened up a depth in my heart I never knew could exist and he's made me look at the world through the eyes of a mother. Nick came to me at a time in my life when I needed him as much as he needed me and I could never ask for a greater gift.

Happy birthday Nick! I love you so much and I can't wait to see what the next ten years bring you!

What is babywearing?

2010-10-04T11:43:00.000-06:00

Babywearing is historical.

Babywearing is multicultural.

Babywearing is for tiny babies.

Babywearing is for kids.

Babywearing is for siblings.

Babywearing is how Mom is able to make meals.

Babywearing is how Mom is able to parent the big kids.

Babywearing is how Mom takes care of two sick kids at once.

Babywearing is how we get the snow shoveled.

Babywearing is one of the best ways to snuggle.

Game On! wrap-up

2010-09-29T22:10:00.000-06:00

I blogged a few weeks ago about the Game On! challenge I joined and I was buzzing right along in week 2 last time I checked in. I had big plans to do a final re-cap on the last day but life happened and I'm getting to this a few days later.

First off, I survived!! During the first week when I was hungry and grumpy and seriously missing sugar I really wondered what I'd got myself into. And then I got the hang on spacing out my meals and making choices that would help keep me feeling balanced, and the good buzzy hormones from exercising daily kicked in. By the time I was through the second week time was sailing by and I finished out the challenge with (relative) ease.

By the end of the four weeks I dropped 10.8 lbs, a number that I'm really happy with. Jeans that barely fit at the start are now ridiculously baggy (hey look, I made my own boyfriend jeans!) and I'm fitting back into a lot of pre-pregnancy clothing I really missed. I've gained a lot of muscle tone as well, thanks to doing 30 Day Shred, and it' left me feeling stronger and more comfortable in my body.

On the topic of 30 Day Shred, I was zipping along through it and getting quite used to getting my butt kicked on a daily basis. I went from level 1 to level 2 quite quickly and then I made the mostly mental leap to level 3. A few days into doing level 3 I had to stop, though, as the large amount of push-up and plank work was causing some nerve pain in my shoulders. I've worked my way through my fair share of pain while training for half marathons but this felt like the kind of pain not to mess with. I was disappointed not to finish off the exercise program but I ended up being quite happy with switching to running. I hadn't been out for a run in a few months and it was really fantastic to see what a huge impact the cross-training and weight loss had on my running. On my last couple of runs I did a 5k in under 35 minutes and then the next day in under 34 minutes, which is quite quick for me right now.

The other big impact Game On! made on me was to show me just how diligent I could be in keeping my eating in line. The five sanctioned meals each day were quite strict but the meal off and the food day off each week gave me some breathing room. Knowing that certain foods and certain times were totally off-limits really eliminated a lot of eating temptations. I also attribute the ease in this area to the flower essence work I was doing to support my moving away from coping by eating food and downshifting my energy. Eating was about taking care of and fueling my body, not about treats or rewards or distraction.

Overall I'm really glad that I had the opportunity to take part in this challenge. The return to losing weight has been fantastic and I'm another 10 lbs closer to my goal weight. It was also a really good opportunity to see how good and balanced I feel when I actually eat only good foods and exercise and sleep enough. My better health also impacted my family in my ability to parent more fully in the way I want to and in the creation of opportunities to discuss personal health with the kids. I'm looking forward to seeing the ripple effects of my efforts during the following weeks and months to come!

Common Ground

2010-09-20T22:42:00.000-06:00

The kids and I spent today at a friend's home with a handful of other families. The premise was to do some planning work for our Attachment Parenting group but, as always, the "working" portion of the day was only a small part of our time. We chatted about the kids, we ate, we stopped to take care of our kids, and we discussed the things on our minds and hearts.

I've been reflecting on how meaningful and powerful these moments with friends are. There is something so fundamentally important about spending time with people who get me and see the world through similar eyes. Our family has made various parenting, schooling, and lifestyle choices that aren't typical and having a community of people who are operating under the same general principles is something I truly treasure.

On the kid side of things, too, there are some beautiful moments. There are all the bellies of the last couple of years which have now like magic turned into toddlers and small babies in our midst. The older kids seem to randomly make huge developmental leaps and the child who a few months ago may have sat holding Mom's leg is now off adventuring in the trees with friends.

Watching the children is inspiring, the way their imaginations come together to sweep them up in a day of play. They play together as a large group, in smaller groups, or alone in an ever-changing dynamic that is mostly smooth. Sometimes there are hurt feelings, scraped knees, or coveted toys and a parent helps them to work things out and then the fun resumes.

This, I believe, is at the center of what it is to be a person. We're social creatures meant to share moments big and small with the people we hold dear. Sometimes it feels as if our society is so isolated, so cut off one family from another. Coming away from a day like today leaves me with a sense of contentment and comfort, and helps me to remember to appreciate the deep value of friendship.

Week 2 Game On check-in

2010-09-10T21:25:00.000-06:00

Today I've completed the 12th day of the Game On challenge. Just about at the half point, I feel like I'm really settling into a groove with it and reaping some great results.

I feel really good. Between the good food, the exercise, the copious amounts of water, the vitamins, and the flower essences, I'm doing good things to my body and it's being good to me in return. Weight-wise, I'm down something like 7 lbs (my scale is finicky) and a pant size. It's significant enough that I can see a difference and I'm totally stoked as I close in on those last few pounds that will put me at pre-pregnancy weight.

The biggest chunk of effort has definitely been my eating. It's not the avoiding temptation or feeling I'm depriving myself because I'm really not feeling that way at all. The effort is in making sure that my 5 daily meals meet the carb/protein/fat/veggies requirements and that I use my portions wisely in order to hold me through to the next meal. I've spent many minutes chomping at the bit, waiting for my next meal with a growling belly. A few afternoons I've made really good use of my 100 free daily calories by eating some fruit to hold me over until supper.

Exercise is the next area where I've been putting in the most effort. I've mostly been doing Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred video, which is awesome because of its intensity and because it only takes 20 minutes. My time is limited and I quite often work out at 9 pm because it's when I have free time, so I really need something short and intense. I've moved up into Level 2 out of 3 and I think by next week I'll be ready to venture into Level 3. I'm finding a huge difference in my strength during all the plank work and static squats/lunges and I'm really enjoying seeing how much more I can do each night.

I thought that drinking 3L of water daily was going to be a real push, and for the first days it was, but now that I'm used to it I find myself passing the 3L mark around suppertime and often finishing the day off at 4L. Taking vitamins as my new habit has been super simple, as has been including using flower essences. For the flower essences, I made myself a dosage bottle with some essences that are helping me with transition, energy level, and addictive behaviors, and I either take it directly from the bottle or add some to my water.

All in all I'm currently really enjoying the challenge. It's been tough pushing myself out of my comfort zone and I know that I won't continue the really strict eating once my 4 weeks are up but it's got me in a great place for now!

The Ten Un-Commandments of Parenting

2010-09-02T23:21:00.000-06:00

Parenting is a personal and deeply emotional thing. No two people parent the same and everyone feels like they're trying their hardest (and yet usually failing in some way).

I've seen people latch on to theories from books, advice from others, and behaviors linked to labels. And I've seen a lot of people uncomfortable with their parenting. (And yes, I totally include myself as having been in each of those situations.)

In my almost ten years of parenting I think I've figured a lot of stuff out. Not all of it, obviously, or Nick would be much more zen than he is but I think that having read and experienced a lot of things has given me some perspective and allowed me to find my groove.

In pondering my general parenting philosophy today, I came up with the Ten Un-Commandments of Parenting. They're Un-Commandments because I'm not telling anyone to do them, I'm just sharing the framework I try to work and grow within.

1) Parent consciously

Make choices. Form habits, say words, take actions, and set priorities because you've chosen them, not because you've fallen into a rut or because you're following someone else's "should"s.

2) Parent respectfully

Respect your children as individuals from the beginning of their existence. Trust them, let them make choices, have their opinions count.

3) Assume the best

Assuming your child is operating from the best of intentions changes the tone of interactions. They should have to show you that their behavior is unkind/selfish/hurtful rather than having to prove their good intentions.

4) Parent from the gut

Parents have strong instincts that can guide them in so many different situations and yet we ignore our gut feelings so often because of fear and worry. Following our instincts can bring us amazing things.

5) Touch your child

Touch does some really neat things, from stabilizing heart and breathing rates in babies to diffusing tense situations with older kids. Hug and hold and wrestle with your kids!

6) Do less

We're always so busy doing and going and talking. Sometimes our kids want us to just stop and sit down on the floor with them. Or they want us to give them space to be. Do less and make more room.

7) Have empathy

Getting out of our own head space and seeing things through our children's eyes can change the way we react to situations or can help us to avoid difficult moments.

8) Seek balance for the family

Try to find a way for situations to mostly work for most of the family. Be flexible in finding ways to keep everyone's needs a priority.

9) Be real

Be authentic with your children. They know the difference. Stop worrying about whether you should let them see you cry or find out where your weaknesses are. They can smell fake from a mile away and it doesn't help to build a trusting relationship.

10) Grow yourself

Grow and learn and read more all the time. Become a better parent, a more accomplished artist, a healthier individual. Walk the talk of being a great person and set that in front of your child as an example.

Celebrate!

2010-09-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

As an unschooly family our life rolls along all year without holidays or first days of classes and while I appreciate how it means we value the living and learning we do each day I think that it can lead us towards taking for granted the life we have. There is no anticipation for and celebration of summer holidays, no exciting newness in September.

Today, a local homeschool support group called Homebased Learning Society of Alberta put on the annual First Day Not Back To School Picnic. It's a really fun tradition where all sorts of homeschooling families gather at Emily Murphy Park to eat, play, and visit. It's a day where we celebrate the coming year of not sending our kids back to school, on the very day when most families in the city are celebrating sending their kids to their first day of school.

Today informally kicks off the school year for us and I'm taking this opportunity to celebrate the things to come.

I'm celebrating all the mornings I'll get to snuggle on the couch with my kids and eat a home cooked breakfast with them. I'm celebrating the days we'll get up early to get as much time out of our day as possible, and the days we'll sleep in to rest and recover.

I'm celebrating the afternoons we'll spend at the science center, art classes, playgrounds, music classes, friend's houses and forests. I'm also celebrating the afternoons we'll watch Discovery Channel, play board games, create artwork, and bake cookies.

I'm celebrating the evenings we'll spend at Beavers, in the back yard, watching movies, and playing soccer. I'm celebrating the nights the kids will fall in bed exhausted and the times they'll have so much to say that they just won't be able to let the day go.

I'm celebrating the tiny moments that I know I'll witness: light bulbs going off, passions sparking, relationships deepening, and maturity growing. I'm also celebrating the big moments to come: leaps in independence, growth spurts, and the hitting of strides.

I'm excited about the coming year and all the things I don't even know are coming our way yet. This life that I get to live with these children of mine is a great one.

Tea Time

2010-08-31T22:07:00.000-06:00

The cooler fall weather allowed to me having a tea party with my kids today.

No, not because it's too hot to drink tea in the summer or because we're too busy at the playground to be bothered with such indoorsy silliness. It's way less direct than that.

In the summer, we sleep in the basement. It's lovely. It's cool and dark and way more welcoming than the stuffy upstairs bedrooms. The downside, unfortunately, is that the open layout of our house makes it so that any noises on the main floor (like children shrieking during a sock war for example) are also quite loud in the basement. It also meant that Angel the wild kitten was able to go downstairs at the slightest hint of a sleeping body in order to "snuggle" (AKA "Purr as loudly as possible until the sleeping thing wakes up")

Olivia usually naps twice a day. These naps usually look something like this:

The smoochy snuggly sleeper is truly delicious like nothing else. But she's getting big. I know, calling my skinny baby big is rather amusing, but she used to look a lot more like this:

(Please note the bad wrapping job. See what you learn in a year of wrapping?)

Anyhow back to the tea party. Well, almost. So yeah, this baby of mine couldn't sleep in the noisy basement all summer. And she was getting bigger and bigger which made it harder to get things done during her wrap-naps. Sometimes I did manage to get her transferred up onto my back once she'd nursed to sleep:

(This one is a good wrapping job, despite her wonky head. Promise! She had neck support right up her whole neck. Plus if I tried to lay her head down flat and tuck it under the wrap she got angry.)

Anyhow yeah. So the tea party. So since it's cool enough that we have the beds back upstairs into actual bedrooms with actual doors, I can now put the sleeping baby up in bed during her naps. It's quiet, the cat can't jump on her face, and I can actually move around at a normal person's speed, not the speed of someone trying not to crang her sleeping baby's head on a wall while mopping.

During this morning's nap I got a whole pile of cleaning done which meant that during this afternoon's nap when Lily asked if we could have a tea party I was able to say "Yes! Let's get some water boiling!" rather than "I really wish I could but the table is covered in crap and the dishes are all dirty and I don't have the time for that right now." (Do I sound like one of those Ikea commercials yet?)

So my afternoon looked a whole bunch like this:

And this:

It was really really great. Nick and Lily so often have to wait for things or just plain not do things because of Olivia and it was really special to just sit with them and drink tea and visit. There's a part of my heart that is sad that Olivia's napping in bed rather than in the wrap, but it's balanced out in knowing that she was more than ready and I now have these new opportunities to be alone with the big kids. And judging by the looks on their faces as they doctored up their cups of tea, the party was just as big a hit with them as it was with me.

Day One Recap

2010-08-30T21:58:00.001-06:00

As I wrote yesterday, I've joined in a Game On challenge for the next four weeks. Today was my first day and while I promise I won't do recaps of my day each day I wanted to take a look back at my first day.

My first impression is that the drinking 3L of water isn't quite as difficult as I thought it might be. I have a tumbler that's 591 mL so I've been keeping tally so that I drink 5 tumblers worth of water. It's currently 10 PM and I've got about 1/3 of my last tumbler to go, so polishing it off will be pretty easy. The one lesson I learned was to not chug back a full tumbler of water just before putting Olivia to bed since by the time she'd finally finished nursing I was in serious fear of my bladder exploding. Ka-pow!

The biggest area of effort was predictably my foods. In keeping with the requirements I ate 5 small meals which were:

1) Oatmeal with honey and kefir and a nectarine

2) Two yellow peppers filled with last night's spaghetti sauce leftovers

3) A spinach salad with tuna, strawberries, sunflower seeds, and balsamic vinegar

4) Chicken breast, rice, asparagus, zucchini, carrot sticks

5) A nectarine, some grapes, a piece of cheese

I had a hard time between meals one and two because I got hungry. I thought the kefir combined with the oatmeal would be enough protein to keep me going, but my stomach was growling and I was pissy when I got morning snacks for the kids. It's frustrating enough to feel like I'm spending my day preparing foods and feeding everyone else on days when I eat frequently, but when I'm still handling all this food and not getting much myself it's rather annoying.

I did pull out some celery part way through the day (I can eat as much celery and cucumber as I want but I'd rather go hungry than eat cucumber) and all I can say is: there's a reason why you can eat as much of it as you want. Poor celery. I'd like you if you didn't taste so bad. Or feel so bad. By the end of this month I'm either going to love you or never speak to you again.

On the exercise front, I grabbed my iPod and the doggy and went for a 20 minute walk when Liam was home. It was nice to walk at an adult speed. Anyone who has walked with toddlers or flighty-brained kids on bikes knows what I'm talking about.

I took my vitamins this morning to get my good habit points, and on such a cold gloomy day it seemed especially wise to be popping some B complex and vitamin D. I still need to get my flower essence blend made up tonight.

Overall, I'm really glad to be doing the challenge. I think that it's just enough pressure to keep me on track and to see some nice results on the scale, but flexible enough that it's not going to put me into a crash and burn by day three. I've got a kind of love-hate relationship going on with the whole Game On thing today, so here's hoping that as the days go on I spend more time on the love side of things than on the hate side!

Feelin' Fallish

2010-08-29T22:37:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year when the days are getting shorter, the nights are getting colder, and the apples on the trees are turning nice and red. Summer isn't exactly over as we can easily get a few nice days in the early part of September, but those long hot days and endless opportunities for lazy afternoons at the park are drawing to a close.

Part of me is always sad to see the summer end, especially knowing how long and cold the winters here are. There's another part of me that really loves fall, though. During 19 of my 30 years September has ushered in a fresh new school year and it's hard not to feel like the month brings me a fresh slate with so many exciting opportunities.

I bought a binder and notebook today to use for our FlyLady-inspired control journal (a place to keep written routines and other things related to running the house). I'm going to get us set into a regular morning routine and I'll set out our major household tasks around our weekly classes and outings.

As part of my Game On challenge, I'll be making up a dosage bottle of flower essences for myself and I'm looking forward to adding in some blackberry for a kick of inspiration as well as some walnut to help make the transition into new fall routines.

For now, I'm off to bed to see how it feels to get the minimum of 7 hours of sleep I need to score my Game On points rather than the 5 or 6 hours I've been working on most days. G'night!

Game On!

2010-08-28T22:01:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine invited me to join in a challenge based on a book called The Game On Diet. The background of the book is that the authors are friends who came up with the game outlined in the book in order to help the female author to lose her pregnancy weight.

What I'll be participating in is a 4 week challenge from August 30 - September 19 with a group of people. We'll be divided up into teams of four, each person will kick $50 into the pot, and at the end the winning team will divvy up the money.

Personally, I'm joining in for the fun of the challenge and the kick in the pants I need in the motivation department. The weight-loss roll I was on tapered out in the spring and I've gone from a plateau to picking up 5 lbs, and since I'm still at least 40 lbs from my goal weight I need to get going again.

So what exactly is this game? The objective is to score as many points as possible. Each day you can score points by eating 5 meals consisting of approved foods, by exercising at least 20 minutes, by drinking 3 liters of water, by sleeping at least 7 hours, by picking up one good habit, by dropping one bad habit, and by keeping in touch with a team member and an opposing team member. There are also bonus points for things like losing 1% of your starting weight if your overall goal is weight loss or for meeting your fitness goal if your overall goal is improved fitness. There's also some wiggle room in taking breaks, so you can take a day off from each aspect either together or spread out over the week (i.e. one day I can ignore getting 5 hours of sleep and the next I can skip exercising).

I'm both totally excited and totally intimidated by this challenge. I'm looking forward to trying a new approach to smart weight loss and I know that being accountable for my choices is going to be a huge motivator. I'm also slightly panicky at the thought of being accountable to my teammates and being tied in to a "diet" ("lifestyle"?) for four weeks.

I think that my first hurdle is going to be making the time to plan out my eating while getting used to what falls into and approved meal (a meal needs to include a portion of carbs or fruits, of protein, and of fats and two of them have to include two servings of veggies). The other area where I might struggle is in my tendency to an all-or-nothing attitude. I'll need to remind myself that making a poor choice once during the day doesn't mean I need to make other poor choices after that.

I'm still trying to figure out what I should chose as my healthy habit to build and my unhealthy habit to quit. I might make taking my vitamins daily my healthy habit to keep things simple since building in 20 minutes of exercise 6 days a week is already going to take a bit of dedication for a Mom who rarely gets any personal time at all.

So anyhow, that's what's rattling around in my brain tonight. I've got one more day til things kick off and I'm really excited to see where it takes me. I'll make sure that I update along the way!

Name the Baby Extravaganza!

2010-08-26T22:04:00.001-06:00

(First off: Boo to missing my first day in the Summer Blogging Challenge yesterday!! In my defense, I did blog from my BlackBerry in bed bitching about being in bed with the baby because the kitten kept waking her, but my battery died before I could publish it. And then I fell asleep. And nobody really wanted to read that anyhow.)

Anyhow, here's the real fun for the evening. I came across some old photos of Lily and I was shocked by how much my girls really do look alike. With that as my inspiration, I bring you the game! Can you identify which one is Olivia and which one is Lily?

#1 Looking out the window and something interesting

#2 Sitting pretty in the chair!

#3 Such a pretty hat and a beeeeautiful dress!

#4 There's that hat again!

#5 Messy cake baby!

#6 Pinky babe with the nifty lighting

There you have it! Post your guesses. The winner gets Awesome Points. And not those measly little Awesome Points that Liam is giving out for the blog challenge, but really big juicy Kim Awesome Points. If you collect enough of them you earn a stretchy wrap. Or something. I need to sleep now so I'll stop typing.

Peace in my heart

2010-08-24T22:06:00.000-06:00

This is the fourth entry I've written for tonight. I've started three and deleted them all. Maybe this one will stick around?

I spent an evening working with some clients and my brain is all a-buzzy. I've got all these enormous ideas swirling around inside my head about the deep acts of service of mothers, the role of female support people in a woman's life, and the pull of motherhood versus career. But all these ideas are too far out there right now, too flighty and unfinished to let me pin them down in letters and punctuation.

So what do I write about instead? I can write about the moon. It's full and beautiful and smiled down on me tonight when I was driving home to my family. I can write about the visit I had with a friend today and how its happiness lingered throughout my afternoon. Or I could write about the way that my children were so affectionate with one another today and my heart melted every time they squeezed each other with hugs. I could also write about the peace and spiritual space that filled my home today and the mental quiet that they brought me.

And there you have it. I've told you about them all already!

Random randoms

2010-08-23T18:52:00.000-06:00

So, as a means of totally avoiding having to come up with a blog topic for today, I've randomly uploaded a bunch of photos from the computer and I'll comment on them. You can hardly wait, can you?

Hey! Here's a picture from one of last year's babywearing walks. I had Olivia (who was I'm guessing 6 or so weeks at the time?) on my front in my mei tai and Lily on my back in a woven wrap. I think this was my first time ever doing a ruck (they type of back carry Lily is in) as you can tell by the way the shoulders weren't done properly and my arms were pinned to me. But the kids were happy and my legs worked so we walked!
This is CeeJay. He's my friend's nephew. All the cups on the table tell me that this was when we were decorating Easter eggs this year. My friend brought her son and her nephew over and I think we dyed 7 dozen eggs. So fun!

This is me, looking cool and shaking a glass jar. The kids and I were making butter. Well, Olivia wasn't. She was sleeping. Hello sleeping Olivia!

This is a dude with a lizard. Where the heck were we? Telus World of Science? I think that's where it was. Anyhow, dude had a bunch of animals and at the end of the act the kids got to feed the turtle lettuce. He was super cute.

It's an Olivia! She's lying on a blanket Nick had as a baby and she's wearing a prefold we dyed at the Anderson Acres campout last summer.

That is me and my Olivia belly. It must have been early in the pregnancy because I'm not as big as a house in this photo.

It's another Olivia! This is what she looked like when we were done shoveling snow one day last winter. She was on my back in a wrap under my babywearing coat. Her nose got a little chilly but she was a happy baby!
Here's my friend Raelynn and Liam and I at the end of a 5 Peaks trail race we ran in September 2008. Raelynn had just ran 8k while being something like 14 weeks pregnant and Liam and I had done the 16k route. It was really really fantastic day.

And somehow I've ended up with another photo of the same race even though I didn't pick two photos from any one folder. So odd. Anyhow, here we are running! I'm on the left side of the photo in the blue hat.
Folk Fest!! Holy crap my kids were small!! And Lily looks pissed.

Ah, the playroom. This is photographic proof that I have on several occasions gutted the room and made it look pretty like this. It typically lasts 13.7 seconds before looking like three small-sized tornadoes have flown through it.

Lily!! Judging by the candle in her hand I'm guessing this is a shot from her third birthday party. Her fifth birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, which doesn't seem like it should be possible.

It's the McKenzie's donkey! I have no idea what his name is. But he's so cute!

Eeee! It's a tiny gooey-eyed blurry Olivia! I loved that hat on her.
And another Olivia. Jeez. I think I take a lot of Olivia pictures. This is her in the swing in the back yard. She looks to be very deep in thought, possibly chanting "Ohm".

That was fun. I should do this kind of post again sometime.

Kitchen island

2010-08-22T21:05:00.000-06:00

Here is the long-awaited post about the new island! Isle Johnstone? Johnstonia? Whatever you want to call it, this is a piece of furniture that makes my inner domestic goddess sing.

As you can see in the following picture, it is beeeeautiful. And the Learning Tower for the kids fits in right next to it so they never have to miss a moment of foody goodness.

Here's the overview of the kitchen from the hallway. The back side of the island has room for some stools. Olivia's high chair tucks in underneath it nicely so I think that two stools will be enough for now.

And now for a peek inside! One little drawer is still empty. One holds the rolling pin and small measuring cups. The next one has random kitchen gadgets such as Liam's brand new manual egg beater, and the last drawer has things to spoon, scoop and mash with.

The next row down has two large drawers. One drawer has mixing bowls, the large measuring cups, and some Corningware. I'm still working on which pieces will stay in there. The other drawer has dry goods (three kinds of oats, spelt flour, and baking soda for now). I'm not happy with this drawer yet as I really wanted some big bulk bins. The problem is that they need to be low and wide in order to fit in the drawer and the only containers I've seen like that are plastic tubs and I really would like glass instead. Or maybe a metal tin? I'm not sure yet.

The bottom two drawers hold the cat. OK, not normally. But he climbed in behind the drawers once and wouldn't come out. Other than the cat, I've got cookie sheets, cooling racks, and colanders in one drawer and then I'll be transferring over all my glass containers into the other for putting leftovers and the likes into. We're moving away from plastic storage containers in the house and I've got to say that glass containers are so much more satisfying on some level.

Here's us having lunch today! We took the leaf out of the table so it's tiny and pushed against the wall now. It feels like we're eating in a cafe. So fancy! You can kind of see the spider plant I picked up the other day. I'm going to split it between three pots and have plants all over to brighten things up. Nick's palm plant is there too, but it's sad and I think it might die soon. Poor palm!

And so there you have the introduction to our new kitchen layout! I've been spending time drooling over the kitchens on the Ikea website so maybe someday soon I'll get to show the continued kitchen reno's!

I can't believe it's already been six years!

2010-08-21T21:51:00.000-06:00

Six years ago today, Liam and I were married at Our Lady of Perpetual Help church out in Sherwood Park. The ceremony was beautiful and so many people came out to help us celebrate. It was exactly the kind of joyous and laid-back event that we'd hoped for. Everything from seeing all of our relatives to having Nick fall asleep in Liam's arms on the dance floor that night was heartwarming and memorable.

In the six years that have passed, our lives have grown so much. We moved from our condo to a beautiful house. We added a couple of girl babies, a dog, and a cat to our family. Liam's grown his career to a self-directed and fulfilling place. I've taken on various new paid and volunteer jobs which have brought me great satisfaction.

And in the midst of it all, this marriage of ours has grown right along with us. The Kim and Liam who went to Lethbridge for their honeymoon were dizzingly in love, filled with awe and excitement that they were finally married.

These days, my heart glows with contentment. The countless moments of tenderness and joy and companionship that have filled the last six years fill my heart everyday. The mad passion that encompassed us in the early days has been balanced by depth and strength.

For all the ways in which our marriage has been exactly what I'd hoped and all the ways in which it is so much better than I could have dreamed, I am grateful. Liam is a man kinder, deeper, and more generous than anyone I have ever met and I am honored to be his wife.

Happy anniversary Liam! I love you so much!!

Weekends

2010-08-20T22:13:00.001-06:00

I know that as a stay at home mom, and as an unschooling mom on top of that, weekends aren't really quite the same as they are for the majority of the population but I love it when Friday night rolls around. Nope, it's not because I go out on Friday nights (ever) or because I get a couple of days away from dirty dishes and laundry. It's because that guy who spends his weekdays in front of a screen downtown comes home for an evening and two days straight. Woo!

James has talked in a few entries about how huge a deal it is to know when that other parent is going to walk through the door and offer backup and it's so very true. But where 5:45 on a weeknight is like drinking a cup of super awesome coffee, the weekend is more like eating the centers from cinnamon roles for supper.

There are twice the number of parents! All day long! If I need to pee, I can actually go in to the room alone and close the door. And have time to do my pants up before I come out again! If I'm nursing the baby down for a nap and the kids start fighting, Liam steps in and gets it sorted out. I don't have to stick my head out the door and yell about what a horrible mother I'll end up being if the bleeping baby doesn't get a bleeping chance to have her bleeping nap. And! If the kids are starving to death but I can't manage to throw a sandwich together because I'm too busy cleaning pee off the floor while simultaneously keeping the baby from launching herself off the recliner repeatedly, Liam the Sandwich Superhero can step in!

And in case you think my excitement about Liam's time at home is all about his mad parenting skills, I assure you that my wifey self is happy to see his husbandy self too. I like Liam. Like, really really like him. He engages me in some pretty great conversations and (don't tell him I'm admitting this) he's pretty funny too. After all these years together I really can't ever get enough hanging out with Liam time. He makes me happy and when he's wearing shorts his legs make me really happy.

And so, with that, I'm off to sit back beside Mr. I'm A Hot Commodity On The Weekends. We have some important TV to watch before I fall asleep half way through the show. Not that I ever do that.

Homeschool reflections

2010-08-19T22:01:00.000-06:00

In a few short weeks the new school year starts up. This year Nick is registered in grade 5, which is totally baffling to me because there's no way he should possibly be that old yet. Isn't he only 6 or 7, not closing in on 10?!

Anyhow, the 2010-2011 year will be our family's third year of homeschooling and I'm really excited to see where it takes us. Since leaving public schooling after two years of some nice times and some hugely frustrating moments, I've been thrilled to see that homeschooling not only met but has gone miles beyond our original expectations.

We started out our homeschooling journey with plans to be relaxed eclectic, meaning we'd have a fairly laid-back approach to formal learning, drawing on various resources and methods as our needs dictated. A few months into the deal, I came to the realization that, at heart, we were unschoolers and I just had to stop being scared of the label.

I've written before a bit about what unschooling is, but a brief explanation would be that we live our belief that learning happens at its deepest level when it is delight-driven and that children are naturally curious and drawn to learn everything they need. I act as a facilitator rather than a teacher, offering resources, helping out, and answering questions.

This approach to learning is for us a natural extension of our parenting style. I remember the year when Nick was in grade 1 feeling a gnawing sense of discord. It wasn't for us. It wasn't authentic. It didn't fit with the view I held of our family. I actually didn't really realize how huge a stress it was until we finished off the school year and we stepped out of the school system. I had my boy back and we could live our lives for us again.

Don't get me wrong, we've had our ups and downs and when you spend as much time together as we do the downs can be quite intense. But the good is so good and our family is living our truth.

Homeschooling has allowed deep relationships to grow between our children as they spend their days together. Nick and Lily have all sorts of pretend games that they play together, Nick dotes on Olivia, and Lily loves to hug and smooch Olivia up any moment she can get.

Homeschooling has allowed us to pursue interests to a depth that only long periods of unstructured time can allow. Nick can whip together at least a dozen origami forms at the drop of a hat. He can spew out facts from the stacks of books he's been devouring. Lily could probably put together a decent meal as long as someone helped her to reach things and she can do a wicked headstand and whistle better than I can. And Olivia...well, she can sign bird, puppy, kitty, milk, more, drink, eat, cheese, coffee, outside, hot, airplane, and sleep.

The most powerful gift that homeschooling has brought into our lives, though, is the opportunity to live in a way that is respectful of our children as individuals. We all have days where we're driven to do many great things and then we all have days where we really need to stay in our pj's til 3 in the afternoon reading books. Energy levels fluctuate, interests work their way in and out, and developmental milestones jump in throughout the year. Having a relaxed schedule allows us to do what's most fitting for most of the family members, whether that means cancelling plans to go out or having impromptu dance parties in the kitchen.

I'm glad I chose to take a leap of faith three years ago. Stepping away from the beaten path was scary but it has brought us to a whole new world of family living and I haven't regretted it for a moment.

Sleepy sleeps

2010-08-18T23:14:00.000-06:00

It's another night of me wanting to writing something insightful and/or inspiring without actually having any insightful and/or inspiring thoughts coming to mind. And I've come to the conclusion that the nights I can barely scrape together two brain cells seem to mysteriously follow the nights of really crappy sleep.

I remember in my pre-parenting years (holy crap those were a long time ago) if I woke up once or twice during the night or got less than 7 hours of sleep I thought that I'd had a rough night. These days, 7 hours with only one interruption would feel divine.

Last night, for example, I spent about 6 hours in bed. It was at least a half hour before I got to sleep because just as I started to drift off Olivia woke to nurse and took a bit to settle back down. Then a couple of hours later she had an uncharacteristic nighttime pee and soaked through her non-nighttime diaper (Mama is behind on laundry) so Liam got a diaper and I got her changed and settled again. A little while later Lily woke up and complained that she wanted to be between Olivia and I (she's obsessed with sleeping between warm bodies but I can't for the life of me figure out how to nurse a baby who's on the other side of someone). And then a little while later she woke again and I finally told her to hop beds and snuggle with Liam, who had long since fled the bed of flailing limbs. I'm not sure if Olivia woke to nurse again after that, but I do know that her internal alarm clock of 6:30 was set and she was ready for the exciting day she had planned.

Not all nights are like this. Some are really great. Some are worse than this. And some are pretty much just like this only the complaints and the times are different.

I used to get really obsessed with trying to decipher Nick's sleep pattern disturbances. Was it teeth? Did his schedule need tweaking? Was he too hungry? Too full? Was nighttime breastfeeding causing him to wake?

Almost ten years and a couple of kids later, I've stopped getting so worked up about it. Sometimes Olivia gets into good sleeping grooves. Sometimes she goes through rough nights. Sometimes I can piece it together (such as this week's massive leap in her walking/talking/signing skills leading to the typical sleep disruptions) but I've kind of learned not to care too much because it'll all just work itself out in the end.

And so here I am, sleepy and muggy-brained for another night, knowing that if I'd gone to bed a few hours ago with the kids I'd already have some sleep under my belt but knowing full well that my few hours of solitude were worth the price of sleep.

Maybe tonight will be a good night. Good night!

The subtleties of babywearing

2010-08-17T22:24:00.001-06:00

Anyone who knows me well knows my love (verging on addiction) to babywearing - using soft carriers to carry babies and children for anyone not familiar with the term. I've been using baby carriers since Nick was a baby and my interest really took off once I entered the world of woven wraps.

I took some training and I now help parents learn how to use baby carriers as part of my business. I'm really drawn to combining my background in holistic health with babywearing. The workings of chakra systems and subtle energy are hugely important with babies and young children, in my opinion, and I spend chunks of time mulling over things like the implication of babywearing and a child's energy.

The following piece is one that I first jotted down back in March. I'm not sure if it's done yet, but it will eventually make its way over onto my business blog once I figure that out. There's a part of me that has this far-fetched dream that it could someday be a piece of something much bigger, but here's what it is for now:

We are more than our bodies, more than the steps of our feet or the smiles on our faces. We are ideas, dreams, thoughts, and feelings. We are the energy that swirls around inside of our minds, pours out of our mouthes, and reaches into the world around us.

As a baby begins his growth in this world, he is a tiny speck from a physical perspective. But from an energetic viewpoint he starts out with such a large energy that it takes many months to settle into his body and become separate from the world around him. While growing inside his mother, he lives within his mother's energy as well as within his own. At birth, the baby makes the transition out of her body but he still has an intense need for her. He needs the sound of her voice, the taste of her skin, the feel of her energy, the love from her heart. He depends on his mother's familiarity for comfort and reassurance, a safe and secure place from where he can meet the world.

Wearing her baby in a carrier allows the mother to keep her baby close during everyday life. On her chest, the baby rests in his mother's heart chakra, the center of love, where he can feel surrounded by the swirlings of maternal warmth. Looking out from a place of unconditional love, the world is an interesting and wonderful place. She sends him unspoken messages throughout their day: “This is our life, our world.”, “You are precious to me and I keep you close.”, “I invite you into this experience.”. The baby is too young yet to understand words, but her messages are sent clearly though her touch, her movements, and her energy.

The small baby has no barriers. He doesn't know where he begins and his mother ends. His cheek, her breast, his contentment, her unconditional love. They move and mingle without barriers or restriction. In much the same way, the baby has no sense of separation from the world around him. The sound of a car horn, the smell of freshly cut grass, the swell of emotion in a crowd listening to beautiful music. All of these sensations wash over the baby. On his own, these experiences can overwhelm and confuse him. Within his mother's energy, though, he is sheltered. Sensations are filtered, refuge is offered. He can sample and experience the snippets that are intriguing, leaning into the comfort of his mother's chest and drifting off into sleep when he is done.

2010-08-16T21:44:00.000-06:00

First off, here are a couple of progress pictures of the island.

Liam, getting the drawers together:

The space where the got-together drawers will go:

This blog entry, though, is about the following picture:

These are a couple of glass jars. The jars themselves are from Ikea. The jar on the left is a jar of Kefir that I started this morning. The one on the right is applesauce I made this evening.

Two things stand out to me from this photo.

First, food that has significance is immensely pleasing. My kefir was started from the kefir grains we brought back from Saskatoon. Kyle and Erron had some extras and packaged them up for us so we could make our own yumminess at home. The milk is raw milk from our cow share and was delivered to us by my friend who boards and milks the cows. The applesauce was made from apples the kids and I picked tonight. Our neighbor invited us over to pick some of her apples and as I filled the bag (and all three kids filled their faces) my neighbor and I had a nice visit. They honey I used to sweeten the applesauce comes from one of our Scout leaders who keeps bees locally.

Each time I use these foods, prepare these foods, eat these foods, and serve these foods, these are the stories that fill my heart. These foods with stories bring love into our home and they feed so much more than just our bellies.

Secondly, I'm struck by how food prep in our home has evolved. It used to be that I pulled ingredients together to make a meal and that was that. Sometimes we had leftovers so we would eat the meal a second or third time, but it was a stand-alone deal. These days it seems like there's always something starting or waiting. I'm starting kefir, soaking flour, scooping things into the slowcooker for a meal 9 hours away. The applesauce and kefir of tonight will dip their toes into many meals and recipes in days to come. I'm feeling more and more drawn to this slow food thing, this moving away from opening a jar or can when I could get something ready myself ahead of time.

The food we eat as a family is meaningful. It gives us fuel for our days and a reason to sit around the table a few times a day. I love that I can bring to our table foods that I'm excited to have my kids involved in making and eating with me.

Bigger and Better

2010-08-15T23:55:00.000-06:00

Last week we made a trip to Ikea to pick up a bookshelf/room divider for the kids' room and while we were there we made a spur of the moment decision to buy a kitchen island. (Well, I call it spur of the moment but in reality I'd almost bought it a few months ago when I was there last.) Liam and I were both drooling over it in the store and the $149 price tag marked down from $500ish from when it was a current model convinced us to make the leap.

We were going to leave it as an empty tabletop for the time being and pick out the "guts" (drawers and/or cabinets) later on but we discovered this morning that you can't actually assemble the island without the inner framework. Personally, I think it would have been nice if the Ikea lady we talked to had pointed that out when we discussed our plans with her but oh wel...

Anyhow, we went back out today and I got to choose what I wanted to put in the island. I ended up with four small drawers in the top row and then two layers of deep drawers, leaving me with four small and four large drawers all together. We picked out some white drawer fronts and some stainless steel hardware.

The choice in drawer fronts is a bit of another leap in faith because our current kitchen cabinets are woodgrain, so I'm working on the assumption that we'll be able to change them out at some point. It's an upgrade that is really worthwhile since our current cabinets are old and gummy and two panels are missing while one door is totally mismatched.

It always seems that one upgrade leads right into another, but I'm more than ok with making some changes in our kitchen. We really haven't put much money into updating our house in the 4 years we've lived here and either we'll stay and enjoy the fruit of our work or we'll be making worthwhile changes for sale potential if we make the move out into the country.

And on that note, off I go back to help Liam who's still chugging along in the island assembly!

Whole Again

2010-08-14T21:58:00.000-06:00

The big kids are home!

After heading out on Tuesday afternoon to go camping at Miquelon with my Mom, the kids are back home tonight. We ended up picking them up on our way out to weed and mound some potatoes we have planted at a friend's farm so our day together consisted of an afternoon at the farm and a late supper while watching America's Funniest Videos.

This week has been like a fantastic mini vacation for me as I tend to spend very little time away from the kiddos. I've cleaned, I've spent some one-on-one time with Olivia, I've had date nights with Liam (and Olivia of course), and I've had all sorts of quiet space to air out my mind.

But man, if it doesn't feel good to have Nick and Lily back home. The quiet turned to emptiness at times without their incessant happy chatter and I found myself frequently looking forward to being able to tell or show them things when they got back. They were thrilled tonight to see how beautiful I'd made their room. Lily jumped up and down with her huge surprised face and both she and Nick spent most of their time in the house playing up there. I got to show Nick the special places I'd put his wool felting supplies and his Transformers collection. Lily was thrilled to meet a couple of new stuffed animals we'd picked up for her from Ikea.

I just went and tucked a sleeping Olivia into bed a few minutes ago and I couldn't help but steal a few moments of snuggle time with my sleeping kids. Lily was mumbling and flopping around in her sleep. Nick had the blankets pulled up right under his chin so his brow was sweaty under my kisses.

The time apart from them has helped remind me what a joy it is to share my home and heart. These kids of mine are beautiful and inspiring and I'm so very blessed to be their mother.

Monkey See

2010-08-13T12:07:00.000-06:00

One day, we were hanging out in the playroom and I grabbed a pad of paper and some felts and crayons and I drew the picture on the left. The kids watched as I was drawing it and asked some questions about what I was drawing and why. Shortly after I finished, Lily pulled the pad of paper over to herself and carefully picked out the same felts and crayons as I had. Looking back and forth between my paper and hers, she drew the picture on the right. She was very pleased with herself and pointed out to me all the ways that our pictures were the same.

This photo, right here, represents my approach to parenting. I wanted to do something (drawing an abstract picture for the fun of it) so I did it. My kids observed and imitated. There was no lesson, no expectation, no token reward at the end. There was simply the normal imitation of adult behavior in a child who is a social being and the shared pleasure in a moment of closeness.

My kids' eyes and ears follow me throughout our daily lives. No amount of lecturing, praising, cajoling or punishing makes a bigger impact than how I live my life. I make an effort to act in ways that I want to model to my children, whether it's speaking kindly, expressing frustrations, enjoying music or making healthy food choices. Sometimes my words and my actions are not the best and I try to make amends and discuss it with the kids after.

Those moments when I see myself played out in my children fill me with a sense of joy and sometimes with a sense of enormous responsibility. These days, this life, these moments are going to form the images of their childhoods and will serve as a platform from which they build their adult lives. Trying to grasp the enormity of it is inspiring and sobering and I hope that I set the best example that I can.

******

As an add-on, if anyone is interested in reading more about children being social creatures who are naturally geared towards wanting to please and fit in, the book The Continuum Concept is a good read, and the book Why Love Matters has a lot of solid research backing its ideas about how love and affection are so very important in laying the adult brain's foundation in the early years.

Short and mostly sweet

2010-08-12T23:53:00.000-06:00

I've no idea
What to write
And it's already
After midnight.

I could tell you
About my day
And how I cleaned
So much dirty away

Or the pudding I baked,
Such a total flop
Not even Liam
Would eat that slop.

But I have few words
On a day like today
My thoughts turn in
And I have little to say.

G'night!

Making Space

2010-08-11T23:02:00.001-06:00

Last night's ponderings followed me into today and I've decided that it's the official Kim's Decluttering Week Extravaganza. The big kids being gone camping for the week with Grandma make the timing all out perfect. I've got a bit more physical space and a whole lot more mental space with only one little person underfoot!

My big goal for the week was to get the kids' bedroom cleaned and organized. Nick and Lily currently share a bedroom upstairs, though we're all sleeping in the basement for the summer as a way to avoid the heat. I spent a good period of time yesterday and pretty much all of today clearing off the floor, organizing toys, going through all the clothing, washing walls, dusting, and moving everything around.

I really wish I'd taken some before photos to show what a change there is so far. I hadn't cleaned the room properly since somewhere early in my pregnancy with Olivia and virtually every last inch of floorspace was covered with Lego pieces and clothing. It looks fantastic right now, and once we get the new shelving unit in (we got this one from Ikea!) the room is going to thrill the kids to bits.

I continued the clearing and decluttering by deleting all my e-mails off my BlackBerry and by sending off an e-mail that helped me to let go of a frustrating situation. I've also been thinking of some ways to make better use of my volunteer hours and I think I've come up with some solutions that should leave me better meeting my responsibilities and feeling better about my work.

I feel like tonight I have more space inside my brain. Whether it's from the physical decluttering, the emotional decluttering, or just the fact of not having been with the two big chatty kids since yesterday morning I'm not sure, but I'm feeling more centered inside of myself which is never a bad thing.

I'm excited to see what I can accomplish tomorrow!

More is less

2010-08-10T21:22:00.001-06:00

For as long as I can remember, I've always liked to cram as much stuff into my life as possible. As a kid, I took part in Brownies/Guides/Pathfinders, baseball, soccer, pottery, gymnastics, choir, and then the world of horses. I always wanted more time for more friends and more activities and more fun.

As I've grown up (relatively speaking, of course) I don't think I've changed much. I always seem to want to do 50 things at the same time and have 40 good friends who I spend time with regularly.

I want to be a good homemaker, cook mind-blowing foods from scratch, offer my kids an incredible homeschooling life, be the supportive and attentive wife Liam deserves, help moms through vast amounts of LLL volunteer work, spend time growing our Attachment Parenting of Edmonton Society, and impact many families through My Nature Baby.

I want to keep in touch with all of my friends. I have my friends who I grew up with, my crunchy mama friends, my friends I've met through Liam, my friends I've met through college, my homeschooling friends, and all the other friends I've nabbed along the way.

I struggle with the desire to take more and more into my life. I'm passionate about things and I feel like I want to commit time to all the things I'm passionate about. But there come the moments of imbalance where it becomes obvious that I'm stretched in too many directions and not filling any role properly.

Today I'm reflecting. I'm reflecting on the things and the people and the activities that bring me (and my family) true joy, the things that bring more positive energy back into my life. I'm pondering how to recognize and cut loose the things that don't serve me on a deep level. Ho hum. Heavy thoughts for a Tuesday night.

Foody goodness

2010-08-09T22:10:00.000-06:00

Today was our first day back to normal in our house. We've had a weekend in Saskatoon, a week of sick crabby baby, and then the weekend of Folk Fest all of which have meant that cleaning and cooking have been totally haphazard and at a bare minimum.

We had an awesome food day in our house today, which is always super satisfying. A breakfast of steel cut oats and a lunch of warmed up leftover spaghetti were alright, but supper was totally amazing if I do say so myself (which I do, because I spent the better part of my afternoon getting it made).

The main course of the meal was pizza that we made from scratch. I bought a piece of Pampered Chef stoneware a while back and it came with a really super pizza dough recipe that lends itself really well to spelt flour.

I had my two little helpers who were more than eager to roll the dough out with me. I'm not too sure why there were little finger-shaped holes in the bottom corner of the pizza.

To add to the oomph of the meal, I made the pizza sauce from a can of tomato paste and some random herbs from my herb garden. Mmm, herbs...

And since I'm doing things in non-chronological order, here's a shot of the finished product. (We were all so hungry that I forgot to get a shot of it before chopping it up.)

On the side, we also had a Caesar salad. Most of the lettuce was from the garden but I also supplemented it with some lettuce my uncle had gifted us from his garden. I don't have a picture of the salad, but here's my pretty lettuce. It's so happy looking.

The kids, oddly, went totally nuts over the salad. While they didn't manage to quite finish their pizza they polished off their portions of Caesar and were rather put out that there wasn't enough for seconds.

And finally, to top off the meal (and to make up for the fact that the only fresh fruit we have in the house today are these really sad brown bananas) we made a fruit crisp. We threw in a huge pile of blueberries from the freezer as well as some rhubarb from the garden. Olivia was my tiny helper who may have swiped a few frozen berries.

To make the crisp super special, we made the butter that we put in it. We pulled some of the cream out of our fresh raw milk and gave it a whirl in the food processor until it looked something like this:

The kids found the whole food processor thing to be quite fun. Lily would turn it on, Olivia would randomly crank the speed up and down, and Nick would yell and jump up and down. They made lots of noise and we all laughed our butts off.

We strained the butter in a colander, pressed it, rinsed it, and cooled it in the fridge. (Although in retrospect why did I cool it if I was just going to toss it into a hot oven? Hmm.)

I stirred some local raw honey into the berry/rhubarb combo to sweeten things up a bit. Olivia got to lick the spoon after, which was apparently a blissful moment.

I also took a bit more cream (we've got almost 4 gallons of milk in the fridge today!) to make some fresh whipped cream to go on top of the crisp. The end result looked something like this:

And there you have our supper of awesome food! You don't even want to know what my kitchen looks like, but we all had an enormous amount of fun and it all tasted better than I could have hoped.

Folky Finale

2010-08-08T23:57:00.000-06:00

Folk Fest is come and gone for another year, and once again I feel like I've skidded sideways into Sunday night just barely hanging on.

We spent fewer hours on the hill this year partly due to missing out on Thursday night and partly due to getting such late starts on our Saturday and Sunday mornings. I thought we'd make up for it a bit by getting there early today but we slept in until the blissful time of 9:30 and then by the time I baked muffins, we made breakfast, and Olivia had a nap it was well after lunch.

My overall impression of the festival this year was that while I didn't get to listen to nearly as much music as I would have liked, our total family fun level was really high. Everyone enjoyed their own thing a bit, whether it was the music or playing or stealing other people's water bottles (that one would be Olivia) and we made it through without any major meltdowns from anyone.

I think the performance I enjoyed the most was Tanya Tagag with Chris Derksen and Celina Kalluk. The two women were Inuit throat singers and the guy did sort of a beatbox backup. Throat singing is really totally funky and I'm not really sure how to describe it so...here's a video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwd2XJCQLjI

It was really much cooler with the three of them, rather than just her in the video. They got in all close to each other and totally swayed and moved and fed off each other. Really neat to watch.

It was great to hang out with so many friends this weekend too. We had an never ending line of friends to visit with, it seemed, and it made the weekend that much more enjoyable.

This is the part where I finish off the post with a great picture of us all standing at the top of the hill. If, of course, I hadn't forgotten my camera at home. You'll have to picture Liam with his dyke shirt (ask him about it!), me with my new pink Folky hat, and the kids each wearing their Folk T-shirts and great big smiles.

2010-08-07T23:24:00.000-06:00

I have all these ideas for things I want to write about. Things that are more interesting than what I did today or what funky virus Olivia may or may not have had.

Vlad told me this evening I should write about midwifery care in Alberta. I want the brain power for that. I want to write about birth options (and the lack thereof). I want to write about why we chose to have an unassisted birth last year. I want to write about public breastfeeding and why people need to be supportive of breastfeeding mothers. I want to write about barefoot running and why my Vibrams aren't just funny looking shoes. I want to write about flower essences. I want to write about babywearing and why seeing tiny babies danging in Bjorns and other crotch-dangling carriers makes me cringe. I want to write about why we left the public school system and how our family got on the path to unschooling.

And yet...I'm tired. Too tired to feel passionate about writing anything. Too tired to translate the thoughts in my brain into words on the screen.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe after I get a real night's sleep? It might be a few years...

Folky Festing

2010-08-06T22:41:00.000-06:00

I've been to Folk Fest each year for the past 13 or so years and it's become a tradition for our family and a way of marking the passing of the summers. There's the year my Grandma died, the years I was pregnant with Nick and Lily, the year Olivia was just a couple of weeks old, the year we were Folk zombies as it was two weeks before our wedding and we were mega stressed.

This year, our arrangements for tickets fell through and the festival sold out in only a handful of hours which was something that had never happened before. I went through a panic of trying to get tickets through a swap board and Kijiji, but nothing panned out until this afternoon. (I like to think that the two hour nap Olivia and I took this morning was a magic nap that made all sorts of good things happen.)

So anyhow, we've got our weekend passes and we were out at the hill tonight. The weather turned out to be great despite the threat of thunderstorms and we ran into quite a few people we know (Hi Kim and Vlad!!!).

I've come to the conclusion that the more kids we add to our family, the less music we actually get to listen to. When it was just Nick, he'd bebop around on the blanket and would often go off with my parents for long stretches of time. The year before we got married was filled with these long blissful stretches of just listening to the music and holding Liam's hand. Tonight, Liam spent long stretches of time at the playground with the big kids while I held Olivia's hand as she walked circles around me on the blanket.

It is what it is, though, and I think that the music itself is only a fraction of the fun. The atmosphere, the so so yummy foods, the kids activities, and the visiting with friends are all a huge part of the event for us too.

Tonight ended on a rather sour note for Nick since he had to walk to the bus in his bare feet. For some reason (that only makes sense to 9 year old boys I think) he decided to bury his Crocs in the sand. He got distracted and then couldn't find them again, despite the help from Liam and then Kim and Vlad.

The super tired kids are all tucked in bed now and once we've all had a good night's sleep and hit the store for some new shoes for Nick we'll pack up our bags and hit the hill again. Woo!

2010-08-05T21:27:00.000-06:00

I'm having one of those weeks where I feel like motherhood is swallowing me whole. It's inevitable, this losing of myself from time to time, in the land of little people and their intense needs. Olivia's illness has meant that I've only had one evening in the past week where I haven't held/nursed her all evening or fallen asleep putting her to bed. This has meant practically zero personal time in a week and that's just not good for the brain.

Sitting here trying to think of a blog entry for tonight I keep coming up with ideas about homeschooling or breastfeeding or babywearing and I want nothing to do with any of those things right now. And so I'm going to write about the things I love that have nothing to do with my kids. (Sending mental "Nya nya"s to Olivia as she sleeps in bed right now)

I love to read. My love of books took root early in my childhood. I went through the Black Stallion series, the various Sweet Valley books, and everything about Ramona Quimby. I moved on through Piers Anthony, Mercedes Lackey, and Jean M. Auel. I've also spent some significant time with Belva Plain and Rosamunde Pilcher along with Marion Zimmer Bradley, Nora Roberts, and Morgan Llywen. I've delved into some really fantastic non-fiction along the way, but there's something so truly satisfying in being swept away in a great story line.

Scrapbooking is also something I greatly enjoy. I'm not sure if I love poring over old photos or coming up with new layouts more. There's something very satisfying in pulling papers, pictures, and embellishments together to make a piece of art. I don't consider myself to be artistic, but when I scrapbook I feel like an artist.

Running is another "me" activity that I love. I love the aloneness of it, the quiet space that it carves out in my day where all I hear is my breath and the music coming from the headphones. The repetition of my footsteps is like a moving meditation and somewhere along my route my life all seems to fall into place.

Looking at these things and remembering how they make me feel leaves me feeling sad at how little they've been a part of my life these days. I've been reading very little, mostly picking away at The 7 Habits and reading short things online. I don't think I've scrapbooked in at least 6 months and I've only gone for a handful of runs so far this summer. It's so easy to let it all slide, to let the never ending work in the house take over during the days and then to have some brain-dead screen time once the kids are in bed and I'm too tired to do much of anything.

For someone who talks about balance and health I'm doing a darned poor job of living it lately! Sounds like I'd better do something about that...

Riding the wave

2010-08-04T13:52:00.000-06:00

No two days in the life of parenting are quite the same.

There are the days when things run along all tickety boo and the kids are happy, the meals are easy to prepare, and we do amazing things. These are the days I feel I can do it all: new projects, adventurous outings, huge amounts of housework.

And then, then we have the days like today.

I'm tired. The kitchen is a mess. The baby is a huge, feverish, sobbing disaster. I'm too tired to remember to make coffee until almost lunch time and I can't seem to get the dog fed because I'm too busy cleaning up baby poo.

I get frustrated. And it does no good. I wish everyone would just chill and let me do my work. But still it does no good.

Eventually, even if it takes most of the day, I get to the point where I realize that it's ok if all I do is nurse the baby for hours on end and let the rest of it go. The mess will stay. The dog got fed eventually. My coffee will make its way into the microwave eventually.

And tomorrow? It might be a better day. For now I'm going to hold my sleep-nursing baby and do puzzles with the kids.

Gratitudes

2010-08-03T22:17:00.000-06:00

It's the start of the summer blogging challenge. OooooOOOOOh!

I started a post earlier today which I was going to finish off tonight, but between my hollow brain this evening and the feverish baby in my lap I'm lacking some oomph in my writing abilities. Instead, in the name of starting things off on a positive note I give you my list of things I'm grateful for today.

1) Liam. Coming up on our 6 year wedding anniversary has had me reflecting on our relationship lately and gosh darn if I didn't pick me a stellar husband. Liam, you rock my world and I love you more each day.

2) My kiddos. Every day these little people I live with teach me so much about the true priorities in life. They keep things real and I can't imagine life without them.

3) Good friends. We spent this past weekends with old friends. We've seen each other through births, deaths, marriages, and all the little moments in between. There is something deep down good for the soul in spending time in friendships of such depth.

4) My home. Being away from home makes the house feel so much cozier when you come back to it, no matter how fantastic the trip was. I love my home and the way that yesterday's memories and today's noises fill it up with joy.

5) Breastfeeding. Olivia's fever and funky belly issues over the past 3 days has meant that she's pretty much off solid foods and is nursing quite a lot. I'm grateful that breastfeeding allows me to keep her hydrated and comforted throughout this illness.

And on that milky note, the little hot-head and I are off to bed. Happy start of the summer blog challenge!

Today

2010-06-29T21:21:00.001-06:00

Today was a good day.

There was nothing exceptional about today, no big excitements or anything of huge significance, but it was a day and it was good.

I accomplished a lot of work in the house and it made me happy. I fed my family three good meals and a couple of snacks.

I had fun with my children. We had a tea party in the morning and we played at a spray deck in the afternoon. We laughed, we danced, we sang, we talked. We hugged, we snuggled, we dozed off to sleep together.

All of these things are little things, but they're oh so big that they fill my heart and my soul if I give them room. When I don't worry about the fight we had yesterday or the things I didn't get done last week, my eyes are filled with the sight of my children playing and the sounds of their laughter spilling out of them.

As I think of this, I think of the principles of Reiki:

Just for today do not worry

Just for today do not anger

Honor your parents, teachers and elders
Earn your living honestly
Show gratitude to everything

There, right there, are the words I need on my wall and in my mind for those times when I get swept up in the negativity.

For tonight, I sit with my heart filled and happy.

The Momness of it all

2010-05-19T21:34:00.000-06:00

Being a mom is an experience like nothing else.

I parent day and night, day in and day out without predictable breaks or vacation time. My home is filled with toys and craft supplies, my bed has little people sleeping in it, and my shoe size has been dictated by the widening of my feet through three pregnancies. The skin of my belly is striped with stretch marks and my breasts do a great impersonation of an all-hours buffet. I spend my days pulled in fifteen directions at once as dirty laundry, hungry bellies, and chattering mouthes all clamor for my attention. I wake up in the mornings with overwhelming amounts of work waiting for me and I go to bed at night wondering where my days have gone.

And yet...

I watch miracles unfold daily. I see moments of deep and heart-melting tenderness between siblings. I see lightbulbs flashing over heads, I watch dreams swirling behind eyes, and I witness wonder and intrigue awakening in young minds.

I spend my days with these beautiful young souls who pounce on each day like it's a fresh adventure and I watch in awe as they squeeze in every last moment of fun. I stand beside them as they step into the world like its' animals and plants and people are the greatest treasures ever, and I get to see the world through their eyes.

My body has played a part in making people. I have felt the flutterings of tiny feet dancing beneath my skin, the rush of milk flowing from my breasts into hungry mouthes. I have birthed three babies, bringing them from deep within my body out into the world that awaits them. I have held their soft little bodies against my chest and I have experienced a pure love that I have never seen elsewhere.

And so the days may sometimes be long and the pile of dirty dishes may grow bigger by the day, but the struggles and the difficulties in parenthood can never come close to being equal payment for the joy and love of which I am a part.

Playful Playroom

2010-05-04T21:54:00.000-06:00

Shortly after moving into our house, we converted what is meant to be the master bedroom off the kitchen into a playroom for the kids. It suited us better to have everyone sleeping upstairs and a play area in the main living area for the kids.

As anyone who has been to our house knows, the playroom typically looks like...well, a typical playroom. It gets played in, stuff gets dumped into it, and the mess grows quickly.

Last night, the kids headed to my parents' house for the night and Olivia and I started decluttering the playroom. I ended up working on it for an hour or so last night and then most of today. In the end, I had 11 garbage bags of stuff pulled out of it and I finished just in before the kids got home.

It was the most satisfying cleaning I've done in ages, both because of how much I got accomplished and because I had in my mind that I was creating a beautiful space for my family. The typical resentment, frustration, and overwhelm when I tackle that room disappeared when I set family happiness as my goal. It made it super easy to toss stuff into bags too. I didn't worry about how much items has cost or who had given them to us. If they didn't fit into the context of a happy space, out they went!

When the kids came home they totally flipped out over the room. It hasn't looked anything like this since early in my pregnancy with Olivia. Lily screamed and then fell over. Nick kept jumping and yelling and acting like a total goof. It made a Mama happy and totally validated my work.

Here's what the room looks like now. Liam, by the way, is not beating Lily up even though it looks like he is. They're reading a book. Promise.

See? There's the book. Dollhouse and random toys on the far wall.

Craft table:

Games and some toys in the closet:

Bookshelves! I culled quite a few, if you can believe it.

Reading area next to the bookshelves. There was another chair here earlier but someone peed in it. I'll let you guess who.

Someone made a mess...

True selves

2010-04-15T21:04:00.000-06:00

As a homeschooling mom I spend a lot of time with my kids. I'm with them practically all day every day, and while it's an enormous blessing to witness the multitude of moments and the slow unfolding of their personalities, sometimes I realize that I'm in too close to really see their true present selves.

I notice it most with Olivia because her changes are so rapid. In my mind, she is firmly set in the "Baby" box. She's brand new, my life revolves around her needs, and she's really not her own person yet. And then I find that she's crawled across the house and is playing in the open toilet and I realize "Holy crap, this child here in front of me isn't a newborn. She's a baby blossoming into a toddler!".

With Lily, she was for so long my baby girl. She was independent but her youngness was magnified by the 5 years between her and Nick. Physically and emotionally she was nestled right in next to my heart all the time and then all of a sudden Olivia was here and Lily was bumped over a bit. When Lily was born and Nick got nudged over, I remember feeling such guilt. But with Olivia's birth I recognized that it's normal and that there isn't any way that a relationship between a mother and an older child can be quite as intense as the one between a mother and her new baby.

So these days when I look at Lily I feel like I'm searching to see who she is. At 4 1/2, she's got one foot in the preschooler world and one foot dipping into the world of big kids. Sometimes I see her as being my young baby still, and at other times I expect her to be more independent than is fair.

And then my Nick! I used to know every tiny speck of him so intimately. I knew where he picked up that phrase, when he'd pooped last, how many bites of supper he'd eaten. And now he has this swirling depth to him, this whole level of experience of the world through his own adventures and readings that I'm not a part of. So many times I've seen him as such a big kid only to have Lily reach that age and make it look so young. Is it because Nick feels older than his age? Is it because as my oldest I always expect more of him? Only time will tell I suppose.

All of this really makes me wonder who my kids really and truly are. If I were to take away the filters of who I expect them to be now and the shadows of their past selves, what would those kids standing in front of me look like?

Living and Learning

2010-04-10T21:22:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was chatting with some homeschooling moms during a child's birthday party. One of the moms and I had just met for the first time and we ended up talking about our family's transition into unschooling.

Unschooling, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, is a type of homeschooling and an approach to learning and living. Every unschooling family seems to have their own definition of the label but the basic premise is that the learning which takes place is delight-driven and done without coercion. Learning and exploring are not seen as activities which are limited to classrooms or workbooks. In our family, I view myself as a facilitator in my children's education. I offer resources which I think might be of interest, I answer questions, I help out when I'm asked.

The mom I was talking to asked me what a typical day in an unschooling home looks like, and I gave a really basic description of how we have screen time til 8 or 9 am then we have breakfast and then...we do stuff. Later on as I was driving home, I was thinking over the conversation and realized that I really could have been a lot more clear on what exactly it is we do.

Upon further reflection, I've come up with this far from exhaustive list of what we, the unschooling Johnstones, do:

We read. We read comic books, chapter books, reference books, and poetry books. We read cereal boxes and newspaper articles. We read traffic signs, name tags, t-shirts, and grocery lists. We read on the couch, in bed, in the van, and at the kitchen table. We read to ourselves, we read to each other, and we read together.

We create. We build sculptures out of clay and robots out of boxes. We draw pictures of our family, we make puppets out of sticks, and we create poetry and stories as we recite them out loud. We draw on the white board with felts, on the pavement with chalk, and on our bodies with pens, felts, and make up. We put on puppet plays and invent gymnastic routines. We dig into the dress up box and fill our house with characters and stories who do whatever we want them to. We build space ships and swords with Lego, vehicles out of K-nex, and animals out of paper.

We spend time with others. We visit old friends in their homes and talk with new friends at the grocery store. We play and talk with children and adults of all sorts of ages. We spend time with some friends on a regular basis through Cubs, swimming, and music classes and we see some friends infrequently when we go on trips or host guests.

We talk. Oh my goodness do we talk! We talk about our plans for the day, why some dogs have puppies, how cereal is made, and why Dad goes to work. We talk about our feelings, our ideas, our questions, and (sometimes) our fears. Lily asks Nick questions that only a worldly brother could answer, Nick talks to Lily about the most exciting thing he just did in his Pokemon game, and I talk to Olivia about how much that bump on her head must hurt. We talk from the moment we wake in the mornings til the moment their eyes close at night and they are swept away by childhood dreams.

We do housework. I cook oatmeal, Lily cuts up vegetables, Nick sets the table. I wash the laundry, Lily sorts the socks, Nick puts clothes into drawers, and Olivia throws everything on the floor. We tidy the livingroom, we unload the dishwasher. We sweep, mop, dust, wash windows, and vacuum. We work together, we do our own thing, we clean happily and sometimes begrudgingly.

We live. We learn. We explore. We enjoy. We work our ways through the ups and downs, the growth and the regressions, the fun and the boring. We do and we try and we ponder and we expand. Left to our own devices, we are constantly doing something.

How I dropped a Lily-sized amount of weight

2010-03-25T20:35:00.000-06:00

This morning I was thrilled to see that I've hit a nice number of 30 lbs of weight loss since I first weighed myself after Olivia's birth. With the help of a handy dandy online calculator thingy, I've learned that I've lost 30 lbs in 29 weeks. (For anyone who's trying to count up on their fingers, I weighed myself at 6 weeks postpartum because nothing other than making it though the day really counted before then.)

And because I like lists of things, I thought it might be fun to look at what I've been doing that has helped me to lose weight. Maybe it'll help me reach some new realizations, maybe it'll give someone else some ideas of things to try, or maybe it'll just entertain me for the short bit of time I have until Olivia realizes I've snuck out of the bedroom.

So here I give you my top ten!

1. Eating homemade foods. Seriously, this is the biggest one by far. Eating out made up for a lot of the pregnancy weight (well, that and a ridiculous amount of yummy cheese) and eating foods that I have prepared at home is helping me to drop those pounds. The stuff I cook is never as salty, greasy, sauce-covered, or outright enormous as the things that are usually found on plates at restaurants.

2. Using my brain while eating out. Those times when we do eat out, I make a huge effort to choose wisely. I often choose salads with yummy toppings, grilled chicken, and no salad dressing. I omit things - bacon bits are good but not really my friend. I work to make what's on the menu fit my needs instead of just ordering the first thing that makes me salivate.

3. Running. Oh my goodness, have I ever been happy to get back into running! I reap so many benefits from running. I burn calories. I'm inspired to make better eating choices. I get hugely encouraged by the quicker changes on the scale. I feel more completely me. I'm happy during the run to be running, after the run to be buzzy, and the next day to be full of energy as a result of working out. Have I mentioned that I love running?

4. Cleaner eating. One of the biggest shifts in mindsets for me has been to stop looking at crappy foods as a deserved treat. Eating foods that are good for me leave me feeling good in my body, a bigger reward by far.

5. Acknowledging emotions. Yeah, this one goes hand in hand with the previous one. Emotional eating is a lot easier to avoid when you actually deal with your emotions. Shocking, hey? This area is a work in progress but I'm human so I'm ok with that.

6. Oatmeal! I've learned to love the mush. Most mornings, the kids and I eat oatmeal for breakfast. We've all learned our favourite doctorings (I like honey, ground flax seeds, and chopped up strawberries if we have them). With that bowl of oatmeal in my belly I not only avoiding eating cold cereal but I often coast straight on through til lunch before I get hungry again.

7. Smarter lunches. I like sandwiches for lunch but they really don't do much for me in the "get some veggies in there and stay full for a while" category. I try to keep cooked rice or quinoa in the fridge so I can do a Kim-sized (ok, Kim and Olivia-sized) stir fry to toss on top. Much yum, no peanut butter.

8. Snacking on fruits and veggies. Eating a banana or a mango for a snack serves me a lot better than eating muffins or salty trail mix. I try to keep a bag of sugar peas in the fridge for evening munchings because they're sweet enough to taste like an indulgence.

9. Not bringing crap in the house. Really, you'd think this would be a no-brainer hey? If I buy the bag of yummy cookies, I may think I'm going to leave them for the kids but truly I know that I'm just going to take a few here and there until they're all firmly living in my thighs instead of making it anywhere near the kids' snack plates.

10. Keeping the momentum going. If I've had two or three good runs during the week and four or five days of clean eating, I'm a lot less likely to make bad choices. If I've had a few days of eating for the sake of eating and eating foods that don't serve me well, I make a conscious effort to get my ass back in gear. Once I'm back on track the coasting is much easier.

And so there you have a snapshot of what I've been doing and how it's been working for me. I've got quite a ways to go until I make it to my goal weight, but I'm going to focus only on the success I've achieved so far. Well, that and all the running I plan to do this summer. Have I mentioned that I love running?

Real world

2010-03-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love most about homeschooling is how my children get so many opportunities to learn things by doing. Lily, being a very typical 4 year old, loves to help out by following me around and by joining in on everything I'm doing. Somewhere in the past year, her "helping" became real helping and she now washes and dries dishes, sets the table, folds and puts away laundry, and makes meals. She gets a real joy from contributing and I enjoy watching the satisfaction she gets from accomplishing tasks.

Here's some of the supper prep Lily did the other night.

Chopping potatoes:

Showing me the work she did:

Lily washing dishes and Nick mopping/dancing. (Hhmm, I'm noticing a theme here of Lily in her pj's all day every day...)

And last, but certainly not least, we've got Olivia. At 7 months she can't quite run the washing machine yet but she sure is good at collecting dirty laundry!

The little tiny things

2010-03-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

When I imagine what my ideal unschooling life with the kids would look like, I always picture really grand and amazing things. Shelves filled with inspiring resources, trips to mind-blowing places, and interactions with really cool people.

I forget sometimes, though, that so much of the good stuff that really offers the most to my kids is space and time in our own home.

This week, I've been sick with a silly head cold and it's left me tired and grumpy. It's also led me to sitting and just being quiet more, which has turned out to be a really great thing. In the quiet of yesterday, Nick pulled out a Shel Silverstein book that had been sitting on the shelf since we bought it sometime last year. He sat beside me on the couch and read to me, page after page, poem after hilarious poem. I listened and laughed with him while Olivia napped on my lap and Lily sat on the floor listening with that pensive little look on her face she gets when she's really mulling things over.

The second Nick put the book down, Lily grabbed it and flipped back and forth through the pages asking me to read every poem that had an interesting picture beside it. She caught on to some jokes really quickly and with other poems she asked about 75 questions before she caught the gist of it.

The rest of the day was filled with the kids battling for the right to pick out the next poem and Nick, the kid who wouldn't read out loud when we tried to force him when he was in Grade 1, read and read to us until I had to ask him to take a break so other people could have the chance to talk. As soon as Liam got home the kids pounced on him, so excited to share the hilarity with fresh meat. Nick begged him to read "The Bagpipes Didn't Say No" since when he tried to read it himself earlier he could hardly breathe he was laughing so hard.

All it took was one book and some free time at home, and the kids opened up an entire world of language and imagination. And I was blessed enough to be able to witness the joy on their faces and the way their brains whirled and soared at the sound of Shel's treasures. Such a great lesson for me and a reminder of how much learning I'm doing right by my children's side.

Here's some Shel for you:

The Ugly Side

2010-01-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. Sometimes, like during days like today, I resent my kids.

I love them, I adore them, I know that being their Mom is the best place in the world for me. But my goodness if I don't sometimes just want to get in the van and drive so very far away from the fighting, the messes, and the NOISE!

This afternoon, I sat on the steps of city hall listening to the symphony orchestra during a ceremony to celebrate the arrival of the Olympic torch with my busy little family. Wiggly baby Olivia was getting tired and fussy and the kids and I were just cooling off from a huge fight ("No, Lily, for the fifteenth time you CANNOT be a part of the Olympics no matter how many times you ask and Nick I swear to God that if you poke me in the face one more time with that inflated noisemaker I'm going to cram it into the nearest garbage can!"). It was, you know, one of those times.

As we listened to the glorious music rising up from the group of beautiful musicians, I started watching this one violinist. She swayed, she glowed, she was the music personified. And I was so suddenly jealous. I instantly had a vision of her elegant and artistic life. The spotless sweeping studio apartment with gleaming counter tops and gigantic stainless steel appliances. The small gray cat who greets her with purrs and ankle-rubbings every night when she comes home. The hours upon hours she spends laboring luxuriously over her violin.

And there I was with my 30 lb diaper bag, my squirmy children, and my frizzy hair, not knowing the last time I'd read two consecutive pages in a book without being interrupted by scrabbly baby fingers or rowdy children, and functioning on far too little sleep.

I want gleaming counter tops! I want hours to spend following my artistic passions! I want a home that welcomes me with its silent refuge at the end of the day! I want to just step away from my life for a couple of weeks, to put the dirty dishes and the piles of laundry on pause while I slip out the back door and float in a pool somewhere with a strong drink and a thick book. I want that life, that peace, that I can imagine others have all attained but which I know isn't really anyone's reality all the time.

Part of me feels terrible for my moments of resentment. My children are good kids, needing and wanting from me nothing out of the ordinary. They are here, with me, when there are parents whose children are not within arms reach and may never be home again. They are blessings in my life, invited into the world by my choice, and they are utterly amazing little people.

Which, I guess, points out the obvious: this has everything to do with me and nothing really to do with them. I'm the adult, the one in charge of taking care of me. It's not their fault that the dishwasher is on the fritz (again) or that my choice to homeschool them has created a large amount of work for me. It's my own responsibility to make sure I get enough sleep at night and time alone, enough mental stimulation and room for exploring my passions.

This, I think, is the crux of motherhood guilt. Well, for me anyhow. I feel like I should give my kids my all, pour every last ounce of my energy and enthusiasm into creating an enriching and inspiring home environment. But I can't. Because I need some of that for me, so I can grow and be fully myself as well.

Because shouldn't I be living the lessons I want my kids to learn in life? Hhmm...

Her Sister's Eyes

2010-01-06T19:31:00.001-07:00

Trade-offs

2010-01-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

The other day I was talking with a friend about how sometimes the various things I like are mutually exclusive and I was just reading a blog post that's got me pondering the idea again.

My life, these days, is a very full thing. There are three children in my family. And we have three animals. And we homeschool. And Liam works both a full-time and a part-time job. And I do volunteer work. And I like to read. And scrapbook. And write. And spend time with my friends.

I could go on and on about all the things the people of my family require and enjoy, but my point is that there comes a time where things get pushed out. Trade-offs are made and I feel myself constantly trying to prioritize what should get bumped and what should remain front and center.

Should we go to the science center for the day or should we enjoy some quiet time at home? Should I do laundry or dishes first? Should I sleep like my body wants or stay up and decompress like my brain wants? Should I focus on cleaning the house or sit and play with the kids?

There are days when I feel as if I'm constantly balancing and juggling, trying to make sure as many people get as many of their most important needs met first. As much as I would love to say that I'm working as hard to meet my needs as I am to meet those of my children, the reality is that at this stage in my family it's not often the case.

But then, there are pay-off to certain trade-offs as well. (Ooh, that sounds like a good chant: Pay-offs to trade-offs!) Letting Lily help with baking might lead to eggshells in the batter, but watching her sense of pride as she does a job all by herself is immensely rewarding. Wearing Olivia while doing housework makes some tasks more difficult, but the joy of having her close and happy is very satisfying. Stopping everything to listen to Nick recount in painful detail the scene from a TV show might make me want to pull my hair out, but listening sends him the important message that his interests matter to me.

Hopefully in the long run I'll have mostly made the best choices most of the time and have many years of happy memories to look back upon.

The giving and the taking of 2009

2009-12-31T21:46:00.001-07:00

Well, the kids are in bed, I've got some red wine love going on, and there's just over two hours left in this year. Seems like a good a time as any to get retrospective.

When I think back on this past year, family is the big thing that stands out. I know this seems kind of obvious in that my life is centered around Liam and the kids, but I'm thinking of family in a bigger more long-term way.

Early last year, we said goodbye to Liam's mom Peggy after watching her struggle through health issues related to her Multiple Sclerosis. It was a period where worry for Peggy weighed on our hearts every day and then the raw pain of loss slowly dulled over as her absence became a part of our lives. I learned a lot from the experience, including how everything else seems to fade into nothingness when someone you love is hurting. I also learned that life in the world goes on, even if it seems to limp and hobble for a while, and that children are such a blessing and a frustration in their inability to wallow in sorrow for any real period of time. It's been about 10 months now since Peggy left us and we all miss her so much, especially during this first holiday season without her.

The other side of the family coin is the small and delicious Olivia. Growing through my pregnancy with her was such a strange juxtaposition sometimes with Peggy's withering away. I entered 2009 already pregnant with Olivia and much of the year seemed to be swallowed up by growing and birthing and nurturing her in her early months. By the time she made her grand entrance into the world I felt like I'd been gestating an elephant instead of a human. I was overjoyed to finally hold her in my arms after her beautiful and intimate birth. Adding a baby into our family has shifted everyone's roles a little bit and it's been so deeply rewarding to see how our family has grown and evolved.

The rest of the year seems to have been filled with the many other small moments that make up daily living.

There were the ups and downs of Liam's contract work as he entered and left different work. It's been a growing experience for sure, getting used to the different stresses of non-permanent employment, but it's also been heartwarming to see Liam developing and working towards goals for his corporation. He's currently at a contract where he's happy and it will hopefully see him through almost all of 2010.

Nick and Lily have grown in leaps in bounds in all senses of the word since last year.

Nick is stepping away from the world of the younger child and since shortly before his ninth birthday I've been catching glimpses of the teenager and man he'll be in only a few short years. His deep interest in reading has opened up so many doors to the world around him and his brain is like a giant sponge just mopping up and storing every little scrap of information he sees, hears, or experiences. He constantly amazes me with his understanding and patience of things that I barely even notice. I think the older this boy gets, the deeper he gets. I'm so incredibly grateful that we are homeschooling him as I watch him mull things over and work things out inside of his head over such long periods of time. He works on his own schedule, whether he's eating a sandwich for an hour or contemplating the concept of inflation for an afternoon, and I'm happy that his lifestyle allows him to operate in the way that works best for him.

And then Lily. Oh Lily. My little firecracker with glittering diamonds for eyes. I keep finding myself looking at her and wondering when she got so old. I feel like she was two years old and then I took a few breaths to pay attention to my pregnancy and then all of a sudden I have this big kid four year old living in my home. She's a walking clash of stereotypes, wearing pink dresses and makeup but then being too stubborn to cry when she's hurt and beating the crap out of her big brother. Watching Lily blossom into the role of being a big sister has been one of the most rewarding experiences of the year for sure. She loves Olivia. So so much. During the night, if Olivia starts to cry Lily will half wake to make sure her little sister is ok. Lily wants to make her laugh, keep her safe, hold her, play with her, squeeze her, and even lick her if she can get away with it. Watching the two of them together makes me wonder what the years ahead will hold for them. Never having had a sister of my own, it's a world of mystery to me that leaves me feeling a little bit jealous.

And then of course we have me. After having taken so much time for myself in 2008 to train for and run my second half marathon, 2009 was the kind of year that kicked me in the shins on a personal level. I knew it was coming, that's what you get when you get pregnant and bring a new baby into the family. Now that Olivia is five months old, I'm feeling the need to start carving out some me time in my life again. Instead of holding her while she sleeps in the evenings, I've been stashing her up in bed with Lily and reveling in having my arms and my breasts free for a few hours. The postpartum haze is lifting a bit and I'm feeling the need to exercise my brain more with reading a writing. (Actually, I have this big piece of writing that's been chewing away on my brain for a while but I'm too intimidated to actually start working on it. I need to get it out before it makes me crazy!) I've also started making more time for my physical self during my everyday life with a focus on my health through tracking calories and exercising more. I'm trying to find that magical balance where I have enough time for everything, or at least find peace with the amount of balance I've achieved so far. I'll let you know how that goes.

And there, I guess, you have it. What a year of extremes. We lost a family member, we gained a family member. Some really big moments too place this year, but so many days and weeks were filled with the low-key moments that get lost in the shuffle of years. It's been a year that has pushed me and changed me a lot, which I guess is a good thing seeing as it's spitting me out right in time for my 30th birthday. I feel like turning 30 should signify that I've got some life experience and some wisdom under my belt. Some days I feel like I'm there. Other days I feel like I really don't know what the heck I'm doing.

So anyhow, the year was what it was. Loved it, hated it, glad to know that I'm not going to be slogging through it once more. I hope that everyone who pops by here to read this has had a rewarding year to date and that 2010 is filled with the love and joy of the people most dear to them.

Body After Baby Challenge 2010

2009-12-29T21:15:00.001-07:00

Annie over at PhD In Parenting wrote about getting her body back and losing weight, and in the comments section a reader linked to the Body After Baby Challenge 2010 over on Mama Notes. I went, I read, and I had two thoughts: "Hey, I have an after-baby body going on right now!" and "Oooh, weight-loss challenge! I need a kick in the pants to keep me on track!".

And so...I'm jumping in.

My friend Raelynn and I have recently decided that we will put BlackBerry Chat to good use and we've become weight-loss buddies, so I've already got my first sort-term goal in place. My 30th birthday is in 22 days and I wanted to have lost 10 lbs by that point. I'm 5 lbs away right now (I was 4 lbs away but some Christmas indulgences nixed that last pound), so I've got 22 days to lose 5 lbs. Easy peasy.

My next goal is at the next 25 lb mark. With some quick mental calculations, reality and big plans come together to give me a goal date of June 1, 2010. When I've hit that goal, I'll set a goal date for the last 30ish lbs.

Next up: The Why Question! Why am I doing this? Well, the joining the challenge part is to help with motivation and staying focused. The road to losing 60 lbs isn't going to be a short stroll through the park. It'll be more like running a half marathon in 33 degree weather and getting heat stroke. Been there, done that. Hated the process, loved the ending! Having some folks along for the ride will make it easier to keep trudging along.

There are many reasons why I'm getting back on the road to weight loss. I want to wear something other than yoga pants and wrap skirts. I want to have more energy. I want to enjoy shopping for clothes. I want to improve my health. I want to stop wondering why it looks like I'm still pregnant when I can clearly see that the fetus has long since exited my uterus.

Oh yeah, and I want to not die when I get back into running in the spring. Have I mentioned how much I miss running? It's been 13 months since I ran my last 10K run, with Olivia dancing a happy little dance on my uterus with such vigor that I'll be eternally grateful to that dirty little bathroom at the 7-eleven. I. Miss. Running. I miss the quiet alone time. I miss the after-run buzz. I miss how good those walk breaks felt. I miss the elation of dropping minutes off my time and pounds off my hips. Le sigh.

And on to the next section: The How! The simple answer is move more and eat less. But that's too simple, too vague for me when faced with chocolates and the opportunity to sit my rear on the couch.

I recently downloaded a calorie tracking app for my BlackBerry which is linked to My Daily Plate, and on the days I actually enter in all my foods all day it serves me really well (as in I dropped 3 lbs in the first 2 days!). But I've been slacking since Christmas Eve. Bad Kim. Just because you don't enter the chocolates and pie into the calorie tracker doesn't mean your thighs don't notice them. Hence that last pound coming back to visit.

On the other side of the coin, the moving more part, I'm going to make good use of my Walking Away The Pounds DVD since it eliminates the excuse of not wanting to go out in the cold. It's also an exercise video I've been doing with Olivia on my back and the big kids joining in, so no excuses of the kids getting in the way either! I'm also going to create more opportunities to move more such as going for walks when it's nice out, creating a set of strength exercises I can do daily at home, and the all-important kitchen dancing with the small folks. As the weather improves and my pelvis remembers that it's not woobly and pregnant anymore, I'll pick running back up again with the goal of doing a 5K race early in the summer. I would secretly love to get a 10K trail race in by the time fall hits, but we'll see how training for that works alongside parenting the three hooligans.

And so...there we have it. The plan. The commitment. The hopes. I'll hit publish now before I think about it too much.

The homeschooly life

2009-11-12T21:07:00.002-07:00

Today our family met with Mark, our new homeschool facilitator. We reviewed my education plan for the coming school year, completed a parent evaluation, and snacked on banana bread and tea (which Lily was happy to serve out of her little tea party set).

Writing up Nicholas' education plan and discussing it with Mark today has got me examining our homeschooling life. We're in the midst of our third year of homeschooling and in many ways it feels like we're just getting into our groove.

In the first year, I struggled with finding our style. At first I took the approach of relaxed eclectic but within a few months I realized that, at heart, we were really unschoolers. I just had to get over my fear of trusting Nicholas and his ability to pursue learning. The rest of that year I felt the aches and pains over learning and trusting in the process, but we never lost sight of the fact that homeschooling was the right choice for our family.

The second year was a flurry of activity. Nick and Lily were getting a feel for the things they liked and we spent days upon days prowling about the science center and libraries. So much of my energy went towards my pregnancy that there were times I felt I was barely keeping up with the kids.

This, our third year, is different in so many ways. With Olivia's arrival, dynamics and relationships within the family have changed. Nick and Lily are now the both the big kids, and as Lily becomes old enough to join in on some programs and start doing workbooks she feels more than ever like she's homeschooling as well. Nick is more immersed than ever in his books and projects, and it's not uncommon for the girls and I to be doing activities together while Nick tucks himself off somewhere in the house to learn and create on his own.

I took a different approach to creating Nick's education plan this year. Normally, I listed out all the various subjects and created goals and strategies pertaining to each subject. When I sat down to work on it this year, though, it seemed more than ever that this layout didn't reflect our approach to learning our my views on Nick's development as a well-rounded individual. Instead, I created the headings of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual and included under this broad areas what we are and will be doing this year. I'm really happy with the outcome and the way that it allows much more room for the life learning that is part of our homeschooling life.

In discussing with Mark our journey from public schooling to homeschooling, I had the chance to really appreciate just how much this approach to life and learning has meant to our family. I love the way that Nick has positively flourished in these past few years and the way that our family relationships have grown and strengthened through our family-focused lifestyle. In the midst of the myriad of mommy worries, at least I can know without a doubt that in this area we've made the best choice for our family.

Burn baby burn

2009-11-08T21:04:00.002-07:00

So in my efforts to return to my pre-pregnancy weight, I've been learning more about calorie consumption and expenditure. There are lots of fancy calculators online where you enter in your weight and how long you did an activity and then it tells you how many calories you burned.

Some of the activities are ridiculously exact ("laying crushed rock") and some are just outright bizarre ("caulking, except a log cabin") but I've noticed that they all seem to have one thing in common: they don't take into consideration the extreme multi-tasking that a mom of 3 deals with on a daily basis.

To help out any of you fellow moms who might find yourselves in need of a more realistic list of daily activities in your calorie burn calculator, I offer you the following.

Sweeping floors, 30 minutes - 157 calories

Sweeping floors while jiggling a fussy baby on your hip, 30 minutes - 183 calories

Sweeping floors while jiggling a fussy baby on your hip and dodging two children and a dog playing tag, 30 minutes - 204 calories

Putting away laundry, 30 minutes - 110 calories

Putting away laundry with the help of children who need to be reminded every 30 seconds about the job at hand and how it has nothing to do with punching anyone or playing with Lego, 30 minutes - 159 calories (just call it 318, though, since you know it's going to take twice as long)

Cooking, 30 minutes - 95 calories

Cooking while wearing baby in a sling, 30 minutes - 117 calories (add 20 calories if baby is nursing)

Cooking while wearing baby in a sling with the "help" of two children, 30 minutes - 155 calories

Food shopping, 30 minutes - 110 calories

Food shopping in the bulk foods section with a curious 4 year old, 30 minutes (if you can last that long) - 259 calories

Sexual activities, 30 minutes - 62 calories

Sexual activities requiring climbing two flights of stairs and locking the door to hide from the children, 30 minutes - 89 calories (add 10 calories if you had to make an extra effort to be quiet)

Before you ask, no I don't have any scientific backings on any of these numbers, only many hours of practical study. Far too many (well, except maybe for that last one).

Looking at my ultra-reliable chart here might lead one to believe that pregnancy weight should just come flying off in a house of our activity level, but there's an intricate equation which relates the level of daytime stress to the level of evening chocolate consumption. But that's the makings of a whole other blog entry...

While the oatmeal pot soaks

2009-09-24T22:22:00.001-06:00

I remember this crazy, hormonally-induced mini panic attack I had during my pregnancy with Lily when I tried to figure out how I was going to take care of my big kid (Nick) while dealing with the constant and intense demands of my newborn (Lily!). I remembered how all-encompassing meeting Nick's needs during the first few months was. When I did the math of 23.5 hours a day of newborn care added to the 11.5 hours a day that my then 4-year-old needed I came to the realization that there were simply not enough hours in the day. And it was too late to turn back.

Things continued on (obviously), and eventually our baby girl arrived and things sorted themselves out. I learned to juggle children's needs. I learned to prioritize. Most importantly, though, I learned to multitask like I'd never multitasked before. I remember playing Mario Kart with Nick one afternoon while nursing two week old Lily Lou (hands-free nursing is the best skill ever, by the way).

Four years later, here I am again learning all over again how to squeeze more of me out of my days. Babywearing is a huge part in this as I'm able to carry, nurse, and comfort Olivia on the go or while using both my hands for taking care of other family members. We're also able to be much more mobile than we would be if she had to be in a crib to nap. If I've got a wrap, a drink, and some diapers I can head out with the big kids to explore and enjoy the world around us.

The other thing I'm learning is to use the small moments. The other day the kids and I were listening to their new Music Together cd (I'll dedicate a post sometime to rave about how much we love Music Together) while they were playing with Play Dough and I was washing dishes, and Olivia was snoozing on my back in the Mei Tai (lazy little slacker!).

I stuck the oatmeal pot in the sink to let it soak for a bit and I scooped up Lily to dance around the kitchen for a bit. When the song ended, she went back to her sculpting and I went back to my dishes, and I couldn't help but think of how when Nick was her age I'd have had time to dance to the entire cd with him. Not that I really felt Lily was lacking for attention since she was chattering away with Nick and I, but it's just different.

I had more of this post in my head at some point, but I'll wrap it up here since I foresee the rest of this just turning into the totally disjointed thought process that my sleep-deprived brain is coming up with now. G'night! *yawn*

The many faces of the Lil

2009-09-10T22:48:00.001-06:00

What happens when you let an almost-4-year-old play with your camera? First, you get lots of pictures. Lots of blurry close-ups, many of which are hard to identify. Secondly, you get self-portraits. Many, many self-portraits. And if that kid happens to be Lily-Lou, you get some that look like this:

59 minutes til your birthday, you little nutter. Happy (early) birthday!!!

Snapshots

2009-08-30T23:54:00.001-06:00

Kelly and Lorry came by today for a visit and to drop off a camera. Lorry saw my Facebook status about my still-missing camera and generously offered us an extra one they had at home. As a scrapbooker and a sappy mom, not being able to take pictures for around 3 weeks of Olivia's 6 weeks out in the real world was making me sad and Kelly and Lorry's thoughtfulness was very touching.

We all took turns snapping some photos this afternoon (seeing Lily's gave me a better idea of how our house looks to 3-year-olds!) and when I was taking a whole bunch of Olivia, Lily asked me why I was taking so many. I told her that sometimes you have to take three hundred pictures to get a good one.

Out of over a hundred I downloaded from the memory card, our entire life can be summed up in just 3 photos.

First off, a picture that Liam took of Nick, Olivia, and I. Nick's there in body but not in mind. That's the kid I have so frequently these days. Physically, he's home with me, but his thoughts are elsewhere, whether wedged between the pages of his current book or somewhere just beyond himself where he's re-living this morning's video game or plotting out his next project to build with treasures from the recycling bin.

Then there's me, not a trace of the makeup I used to wear every day, hair kind of pulled back into a falling out ponytail, and wearing stretchy clothes that mostly cover the bulges and bumps that my postpartum body is made of. While I do miss the way I used to have time to straighten my hair, carefully put on makeup, and pick out nice outfits that compliment my body, I'm far too enthralled with the little squishy person in my hands to really mind that I totally lack the time and energy to do these things anymore.

And then there is, of course, Olivia. She's cute. And squishy. And you can almost smell her milky goodness from the photo. And that is currently the entirety of her existence.

And then we have a picture I took. It was supposed to be of Olivia but Lily felt the need to get in there too. My dear, amazing, beautiful Lily. I can't get a normal picture of her. Or maybe all the crazy faces are normal since she makes them all the time. And the jumping in on whatever Olivia's doing? That's almost the entirety of her existence these days. She seems to alternate between loving up the baby and trying to be one of the big kids with Nick. If there's action somewhere, she wants in on it. If my attention is on something, she wants to make sure I'm still aware of her too. What she lacks in patience, she more than makes up for in enthusiasm and pure spirit.

And finally, we have Liam in a photo all by himself looking slightly pained. It often feels like there's a three-ring circus going on at home and Liam's off at work, stressing and making his brain smoke a little. I sometimes have these moments when he leaves the house when I envy his bus ride to work where he gets to listen to his own music or read a book uninterrupted, but the reality of the situation is that I don't envy the load he bears in being our breadwinner. I know that the worries and problems he confides in me are only the tip of the iceberg, and that his efforts and responsibilities are enormous.

So there you have it, a package of Johnstones all wrapped up in a package of three snapshots. I look forward to the days when I'll look back on these pictures and swoon over the memory of Olivia's babyness, wonder how I ever thought that Nick was old at almost 9, laugh at the young woman that nutty little Lily grew into, appreciate the time and energy I have for myself again, and feel ever more grateful for my incredible partner in life.

Evolutionary Parenting

2009-08-05T15:40:00.001-06:00

This post was originally going to be all about babywearing, its benefits, and my history with slings, wraps, and my Ergo, but somehow between the business of life and the giant gaping hole where my brain used to be, the writing in my head is not materializing into writing on the screen.

Here, instead, is a brief glimpse into the love affair I'm enjoying with my wrap. It's a Merry Carry that I purchased from my dear friends at Tadpoles and Butterflies.

First some pictures. Right off the bat, we have a shot love the lovely Olivia enjoying a wrap-induced snuggle a few hours after her birth:

A naked afternoon nap on day 2:

Her first outing on day 3, a walk to the playground.

My activities while wearing Olivia in the wrap these past couple of weeks include:

eating
sleeping
blogging
sweeping the kitchen
cleaning the toilet
riding the bus
buying groceries
going for a walk while Lily rides her bike
chilling at Folk Fest
preparing meals (I was going to say cooking, but that's a bit of a strong term for the food prep I've been doing lately)
doing laundry

The only thing I've yet to manage that's really important to me is nursing her in the wrap. Once she's a bit bigger it'll be easier and I'll be more mobile. Woo!

For anyone who's interested in reading more about the benefits of babywearing, here's a list of informative links from The BabyWearer.

Priorities

2009-08-03T21:26:00.001-06:00

Life these days seems like an endless series of bodily functions. Someone needs to eat. Someone needs to sleep. Someone needs to pee or poo. Part of it has to do with adding another person into our family and part of it has to do with how much that small person's bodily functions require my personal attention.

Every day is a bit better, but we're still miles from what was normal life a few weeks ago. Today, the sum total of my productivity was keeping most of my family taken care of and purchasing $300 worth of groceries. A year ago, that would have been a small part of my day and I could have gone on another outing or two and still had time and energy to spare. Today, though, by the time I shipped the older kids off to Grandma's house, fed the baby, washed the puke off the baby, dressed the baby, fed the baby, changed the baby's diaper, and got the baby to sleep so I could drive the five minutes to the grocery store, it was 4:30 in the afternoon. That's an entire day gone. Woosh!

Times like these help me determine my true priorities. Sleep, food, clean(ish) clothing. Those are the bare minimums. From there I can add in things like getting some cleaning done, playing with the big kids, poking around on the computer or talking to someone on the phone (or not, right Chad?!). A big leap above that is actually leaving the house. I'm only finding that I'm up to that feat every couple of days, which should make the upcoming 5 day stint of Folk Fest very interesting.

And now my priority is shifting from this rambly blog post to the frustrated baby who won't settle for her Dad...

Fear

2009-07-31T22:07:00.001-06:00

I've been pondering today. I started out by reflecting on Olivia's birth and people's reactions to the fact that we chose to birth unassisted. I was struck by how much people fear childbirth, from the pain to possible complications and beyond. And the more I pondered, the more I saw that the fear surrounding childbirth is part of a bigger picture of the fear that surrounds women's bodies.

We're scared of so many things when it comes to our bodies. We fear the untimely arrival of our menstrual cycles and the practically deadly shame if anyone should discover that we're bleeding. We buy feminine hygiene products (are we unhygienic without them?) that promise to save us from embarrassment, some of which even contain perfumes to further mask the frightful event.

We're scared of becoming pregnant. We put hormones and devices into our bodies so that they don't betray us and host a new life that we're not prepared for. So many women don't trust that they can learn to understand their bodies and avoid pregnancy without chemicals.

We fear pregnancy. Oh do we ever fear pregnancy. We've turned what is, in most cases, a time of health and growth into one long frightening event. We're scared we'll gain too much weight or too little. We're scared we'll eat the wrong foods or exercise the wrong way. We're worried that our bodies won't sustain the little life in us and we rely on tests and close monitoring to ensure that we're miraculously not messing things up in there.

And birth is just a continuation of it all. We fear we'll go into labour too early, too late, or not at all. We're scared our bodies will fail us, whether it's a labour that stalls out, a pelvis that's too small, or a cervix that won't dilate according to the proper schedule. We're afraid that we won't be able to handle the intensity of labour and we seek drugs to save us.

Once baby's here, we worry that our breasts aren't competent to nourish him. Our milk is too watery, too sparse. We watch clocks, count diapers, and supplement with formula at the drop of a hat.

Was there a time when women trusted their bodies to grow and live and just be normal? There must have been. And if so, when did it all change? When did we lose our confidence in ourselves and our abilites? And what would it take to get it back?

Relief

2009-07-29T21:46:00.001-06:00

I'd like to preface this entry by saying I hope I'm not jinxing myself. I'm knocking on wood as I type.

As some of you probably remember, when Lily was a newborn she spent some time at the hospital due to having seizures. The shortish version of the story is that on her fifth day of life she had her first seizure, though it wasn't diagnosed until day seven, and she spent 4 (5?) days in the hospital, hooked up to a multitude of monitors to ensure that the Phenobarbitol she received every 12 hours prevented any more seizures from occurring. It was determined through a process of elimination that the seizures were due to a genetic foible from Liam's side of the gene pool. A number of his family members had the same problem as newborns and Liam's children will all face a 50% chance of falling into the affected category. The working theory on the cause of the seizures is that a phosphorus pump in the brain that is used during the first weeks of life is faulty, and so administering a sedative such as Phenobarb for the first six weeks gets the baby through the problem time.

It was, to put it mildly, a very crappy experience. I was a super-hormonal postpartum mom who one day had a normal, healthy newborn at home and the next day was camped out in the Neonatal Intermediate Care Nursery watching her daughter hooked up to a mass of machinery and looking so helplessly tiny. The stress of not really knowing what was going on with my daughter combined with the fatigue of coaxing a sedated baby to nurse every 4 hours round the clock and the worry about Nicholas who had been foisted off upon my parents was overwhelming.

Coming out of that heartwrenching week, Liam and I wondered if we would end up making the decision of the size of our family based on not wanting to go through that experience again. We eventually, obviously, decided to go ahead and give the Johnstone-MacPherson genetic combo another go. We do make cute kids after all.

The worry over the possibility of reliving the seizure scenario hovered over me during my pregnancy with Olivia. How would we cope this time? Would it be easier? What would happen if I needed to stay overnight at the hospital away from Lily, who has yet to spend a night apart from me? What if our choice to pursue an unassited birth led to problems with the way things were handled with our newborn? I worried. I prayed. I tried to visualize what the best case scenario could look like, and then the worst.

And so here we are, on Olivia's ninth day of life and there has been no sign of any abnormalities. The seizures, if they were going to happen, would have shown up on or around the fifth day (hence the nickname Fifth Day Fits). I've watched her closely, tensed up at odd breathing patterns, and kept her either with me or with Liam at all times.

Slowly, slowly I'm feeling like we're ok. I didn't realize until this morning when I felt happy just how tense I'd been feeling. I'm not going to have to watch my baby stiffen and turn purple as she stops breathing for the world's longest minute. I'm not going to have to check her into the hospital where she'll be jabbed and have a spinal tap like her big sister did. I'm not going to have to spent countless hours sitting in the nursery watching her vitals flash across a screen.

I'm not. I get to just stay home and breathe in the intoxicating milky scent that surrounds Olivia like a cloud. I get to sleep in my own bed, play with my other children, and enjoy the blessings in my life.

My days

2009-07-28T11:01:00.001-06:00

Feed the baby.
On, off. On, off. Pull her fist out of her mouth again.
Soggy diaper. Again.
Feed her starving mouth once more.
She's almost asleep...ugh, poopy diaper now.
Feed her again. Please go to sleep child.
Finally, she's asleep!
Shove some food down, chug water, make coffee, play with the big kids.
Scramble scramble scramble.
Baby's grunting, stretching, yelling.
Feed the baby again.
And on, and on...

Coming and going

2009-07-24T17:16:00.001-06:00

Life has, unsurprisingly, turned into a giant blur of newborn care: nursing, changing diapers, cleaning up spit-up, trying to scarf down half a sandwich before baby starts howling for yet more milk. I've been here twice before, but it's been 4 years since the last time and 5 years since the time before that and memories have a way of getting smoother around the edges as time marches on.

At the same time as I'm trudging through the trenches of bodily fluids, I'm watching a massive change take place in Nick. This winter, I started to see small bits of the pre-teen boy pushing their way through the little kid in him and all of a sudden over the past few weeks he's hit a new stride in his independence.

He's spent years (yes, years) trying to learn how to ride his two-wheeler. Actually, trying is not the right word. It was more avoiding and fighting and ranting about not being able to do it at the drop of a hat. And then suddenly last month something clicked and he got it. And he's been out there biking at all times of the day. In the yard, down the road, up and down bumps, around in circles while he stands on the frame. Yeah, he's my all or nothing kid.

And then the Green Shack programs started up for the summer. The city sets up small sheds in some of the local parks and fills them with craft supplies and sports equipment and a paid employee hangs out at the playground for something like 30 hours each week.

Green Shack program + Nick biking = a kid who is gone from the house every single hour that he can manage

He grabs a bag, puts in a water bottle and a hat and my phone, and he's gone. And he's loving it. There's a different glow about him, a different kind of inner peace and satisfaction that comes with taking on a new level of independence and thriving.

It's such a strange spot to be in, for me. I watch one child make a mighty leap forward while I start anew with another. I have moments of overwhelm with the tiny body that needs such constant care, and then I look at Nick and wonder how it is that the past almost 9 years have flown past.

Yumminesses

2009-07-23T08:58:00.001-06:00

Squeaky sleep sighs
Shoulder peach fuzz
Teenie tiny wrinkled toes
Wide-mouthed smooches where she tries to latch on to my mouth
Milk breath
Tiny bum sticking up while she sleeps
The smell that drifts up from her hair
Mid-nap stretches, complete with the Superman arm thrust

I may, in fact, be just a tiny bit in love.

Baby Olivia

2009-07-22T16:10:00.001-06:00

The anticipation is over! Tiny little Miss Long-Awaited is here at last.

The quickie details first: Olivia Margaret arrived at 2:50 am on July 21, weighing in at 8 lbs 6 oz. She was born into her Daddy's hands, bum first and ready to make her opinions known!

The more interesting, detailed version:

After weeks of random daily contractions, things started to get underway on Sunday the 19th. During the day, I had more contractions than were usual for me and when we went out for supper that night with Meghan and Preston the contractions became more frequent and consistent. Since I was convinced that things would go quickly with this birth I assumed that I'd have a baby that nigh. Things petered outaround midnight, though, and I went to bed frustrated and disappointed yet again.

I had some contractions during the night that were painful enough to wake me up and when I got up on Monday morning I was tired and annoyed. Still no baby, still no real labour going on. I told Liam that I needed him to stay home that day because if things picked up again I didn't know that him being a 30 minute bike commute away would be close enough.

As the morning went on, the contractions started up again but they were all over the place in their frequency. Sometimes they were 15 minutes apart, sometimes 45. I didn't know if I was really in labour or if I was just in another state of pre-labour limbo. I used some black and blue cohosh tincture to see if they'd help things to get settled and underway, but I didn't really notice any changes as a result. Liam and the kids and I went for a walk around the block at one point and although I had a few decent contractions while we walked, I didn't really feel like I was making any progress.

Around lunch, I called my friend Arie for some advice on getting things to pick up. She gave me some pointers on things to try, but the biggest thing I got from the phone call was an emotional pick-me-up. I laughed for the first time that day and felt much better after having a chance to vent my fears and frustrations.

When I got off the phone I got Liam to give me a neck massage with some peppermint massage oil (thanks Lee-Ann!) and then I put on some more upbeat music. I also did the stairway lunges that Nancy had suggested and I laughed at how dumb I felt trying to hard to pull myself up the stairs two steps at a time. I felt my energy level pick up as my mood shifted. I also did a few doses of the cohoshes again and things seemed to start moving forward.

By suppertime, I was hungry enough to eat some of my food but couldn't deal with eating an entire meal. I spent my time between contractions walking around the house or sitting, and eventually they became strong enough that I would stand up and sway whenever one came on.

Liam alternated between hanging out with the kids and supporting me. He and Lily did a bunch of puzzles in the kithchen and Nick mostly sat around reading until it was time for bed. I'd given Lily lots of warning that I wasn't going to be able to snuggle with her at bedtime since things were getting too intense for me, but when the time came for the lights to go out she was really upset and sobbed instead of going to sleep. Liam ended up setting her up with a movie upstairs so that I could get some peace and focus on myself.

I was getting really uncomfortable around 10:30 and decided to get into the birthing pool. I'd been putting it off for a while because I was worried about getting in too early and causing labour to stall out yet again, but I figured I could get in to relax a bit and then get out if things stopped progressing. It turned out that my contractions chugged along at a good rate and I was really enjoying being in the water as it was so much more confortable. Around 11:30, Lily's movie ended and she was still wide awake so I got out of the water and went to bed with her. She fell asleep quickly and I ended up dozing off for a few minutes with her which made for a really nice break.

After midnight things continued to get more intense. I started hanging off of Liam during my contractions, which made them much easier to work through. My lower back was getting really achy, so I would sit between contractions and then stand up when I felt them coming on. At one point I went outside for a bit and stared up at the night sky which made for a nice break from pacing around the house. I got to the point where I couldn't get comfortable whether I was walking, sitting, standing or swaying and I decided to get back into the water around 1:30.

The next hour was filled with increasingly strong contractions and my lovely Liam doing the never-ending job of keeping the water warm for me. The pool was filled right up to the fill line, so every time I started to get chilled he had to empty some of the cool water and then add some hot water, all of which he did with many trips to and from the sink with pots! When he wasn't busy with that he held by hands or rubbed my head while encouraging me by telling me what a fantastic job I was doing. This really helped me when I was feeling discouraged or overwhelmed.

I'd been switching back and forth between sitting in the pool and kneeling while draping my upper body over the edge of the pool. Eventually I started dozing off between the contractions which really helped in being able to cope with them. Vocalizing was a huge relief, just as it had been during Lily's birth, and Liam kept encouraging me to let everything out. Near the end, "letting it out" also included some crying and outright yelling!

During one contraction when I was up on my knees, I suddenly found myself pushing. I hadn't thought that I was that close yet but all of a sudden there I was pushing and feeling my baby shooting straight down. I pushed a few times during that contraction and felt the baby beginning to come out. After the contraction ended, Liam asked if I'd been pushing and I confirmed that I had indeed so he got ready to catch our little baby.

On the next contraction I pushed like crazy trying to get the baby's head to come out and eventually I felt her emerge. I heard Liam say "The baby's head is out!" and then a few moments later "That's not a head!". I continued to push and the rest of our little breech baby slid out into Liam's hands.

I got myself sitting down while Liam held our baby and confirmed that we'd given birth to a little girl. He handed her to me and I held her, staring at her in total amazement. I must have said to her "I didn't think you were ever going to come out!" about a dozen times before I fully came to the realization that she was born and labour was over. It was truly amazing!

We hung out in the pool for a while waiting for the placenta to come out and Liam took some pictures as I held her and nursed her. I started getting impatient because the water was getting cold, but about 15 minutes after baby's arrival I delivered the placenta and we tied and cut the cord.

Liam wrapped the baby in some blankets and snuggled with her while I took a quick shower to warm up since I was pretty chilled at that point. I got dressed in some nice cozy pj's and the three of us sat on the couch to stare at each other.

Not too long after, Nick came stumbling up the stairs, upset almost to the point of tears because the baby's crying had woken him up. He knew that he wasn't supposed to be up at 3:30 in the morning but he couldn't get back to sleep. Liam and I assured him that it really was ok since it was a special day and that we'd make sure that he got the chance to rest later on in the day.

Nick cheered up and woke up the rest of the way and met his little sister. He laughed at all the noises she was making and he helped Liam and I to confirm that this little baby did indeed look like an Olivia Margaret. He also helped us to weigh her and I was shocked to see that she was 8 lbs 6 oz, much bigger than my other babies who came in just on either side of 7 lbs!

Once things settled down a bit around 5:30, Liam went downstiars to get some sleep and I went upstairs with Olivia to see if we could get some sleep too. Nick watched some TV while waiting for the rest of us lazy bums to wake up.

An hour or so later, I woke up and needed food and water more than I needed more sleep. Olivia and I came back downstairs and I ate and drank then sat on the couch with Nick. Not too long after, Lily woke up and met her little sister. She was so excited to finally meet the baby and insisted on holding her and snuggling her a whole bunch.

And so...that's that. This is how our lovely and dear Olivia made her entrance into the world! She's fantasticly squishy and fuzzy with blonde shoulder hair and a full head of dark brown hair. She's a very enthusiastic nursling, and not even 36 hours after her birth my milk has come in. We're all really enjoying getting to know her and I'm greatly looking forward to the weeks and months ahead.

Kijiji

2009-07-18T21:49:00.001-06:00

We are currently looking for a few pieces of new furniture. And when I say "new" I actually mean "used but seems like new" because I'm too much my parents' daughter to go out and spend the money to buy new furniture, especially when we've got young kids in the house.

I spend time perusing the ads on Kijiji and though we've had success so far with buying a nice, large, cheap dresser that was supposed to be for the baby but was claimed first by Lily, I have yet to secure a nice kitchen table and downstairs couch.

While I'm more than ready to admit that I'm incredibly picky and unwilling to part with a large sum of money, some of the reason why I haven't found anything yet is because of bad ads. What are bad ads you ask? Here are my examples:

1) Pictures of your kitchen table with a table cloth on it. You'd think this one would be obvious but I've seen it more than once. I'm not interested in seeing how your table looks like with a piece of cloth over it since it's the table I'm actually buying. That's like posting photos of your house on MLS with all the lights turned out. Sure it looks like that sometimes, but that's not the view that's going to help me out. Really.

2) Ads telling me in the description line just how awesome of a deal you're giving me. If your header contains phrases such as "an amazing bargain", "this week only I'm sacrificing at this price"or "such an incredible deal", I won't read your ad. Yes, I'm possibly shooting myself in the foot with this choice, but if I wanted to be salesmanned at I'd go to The Brick.

3) Pictures taken with your cruddy cruddy phone. I'm not going to drive to St. Albert to pick up a couch that may or may not in fact just be some large animal.

4) Ads for items in Calgary. Go away. I'm pretty sure you have your own section of Kijiji.

One of these days I'll come across the perfect ad with the perfect furniture with the perfect price. Until then, I'll continue to oggle and occasionally accidentally look at ads for scrapbooking items over in the hobbies and crafts section.

Today

2009-07-17T21:34:00.001-06:00

Holy Hell, is writing a post about me every difficult. I was going for a theme of touching on each of our family members and tonight's post was supposed to round things out by being about me.

I typed, then I deleted. Then I typed a bunch more and deleted even more than I just wrote.

It's far too late and I'm far too hot and sticky to be bothered with trying so hard. Plus, the never-ending growling of my belly and the air conditioner in the living room are pulling my brain away from here.

Instead, I'll write briefly about my day. Today was a great rarity, a total Kim day.

The kids headed out the door with my parents at 10 for a day of country fun and Capital Ex insanity. I was completely on my own, with Liam working from the office and no plans for the day. Normally when I have a chunk of time to myself like this I get my butt in gear and accomplish something major like overhauling the homeschool room or deep cleaning the upstairs, but somehow this baby belly and I just weren't up to anything quite so grand.

I largely spent the day relaxing and eating and reading and watching TV. To have done this and be able to admit it and be ok with it is a big thing for me. Just ask Liam.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on my baby and his/her upcoming arrival. I pulled out my singing bowl and my basket of stones. I reconnected with the rock that I found by the river shortly before Lily's birth. It's the most incredible rock. It sort of looks like a child's foot and it fits perfectly in my hand. It makes life better.

Around suppertime I headed off to my second acupuncture appointment. It was lovely and I felt myself feeling even more at peace. My acupuncturist is a really great lady and it was nice to spend some time with her.

By the time I headed home I felt myself letting go of my frustrations about how long this pregnancy is lingering. It's ok that I'm pregnant. Baby's still growing and kicking and doing well and I'm physically feeling better than I have in weeks. I'm where I should be and baby and I are doing what we should be doing. And that's enough.

Except for the food part of life. I need more of that right now.

Nick-o

2009-07-16T16:18:00.002-06:00

And then there's Nick. My firey, sensitive, deep boy of extremes. If Nick is happy, the world has never been better. If he's upset, it's the worst day of the worst possible life and nothing will ever make it better. His anger is quick and violent and he contorts his face into the ugliest looks of horror. And then he is calm moments later, his surface as still as water and his mind churning all the time underneath.

When he's joyful, his laughter spills out of him and his eyes twinkle. He's got a keen sense of humor and he's witty beyond his years.

Nick is a boy of projects. He's either building or scheming or reading or planning. He's rarely physically still and even more rarely mentally quiet. Ideas and memories pop out of his mouth that have nothing to do with the moment, but everything to do with the deep currents in his mind. Our home is filled with evidence of his latest fascination, whether it's origami, Lego, books, or paper airplanes. He latches on to an idea and he works it over, re-creating the project over and over until he's examined it and recreated it in his own way.

Nick is truly something else to live with. He delights and exhausts me. He entertains and amazes me. He's like nobody I've ever met before and I'm fascinated by the person I get to watch unfold. He is truly a most precious gift in my life.

Lily Lou

2009-07-15T20:57:00.001-06:00

This is my Lily dear AKA Pinky, Lulu, Doll Doll, LuBelle, and For God's Sake Lily.

I love Lily. She's a bright light in our home and she's quirky like nobody else I've ever met. I get some hilarious photos of her since she's a general goof who loves to ham it up for the camera. She's feisty and spirited and spends extraordinary amounts of energy making sure she's getting exactly what she wants, when she wants it, and how she wants it.

Parenting Lily is amazing and exhausting. She has a tenderness and a depth of empathy which sometimes bring me to tears. She can test my patience to a degree that I didn't know was possible. Her giggles fill me with joy and her "wolf howls" make my brain ache.

After a few years of parenting Nick, I thought any other child I had would seem mild by comparison. Lily, as she's wont to do, proved me oh so very wrong. Where Nick was a physically intense toddler, she's got an inner strength and a drive to just be herself that pushes at anyone in her way.

The great gaping unknown

2009-07-14T21:55:00.001-06:00

I just came across this comic in my search for inspiration tonight. I seem to be much in the same boat as Kyle in his lack of an interesting daily life. My day has consisted of observing signs of pending labour (out of respect for my squeamish guy friends I won't go into details) and trying to make myself comfortable. Ho hum. Baby tonight? Baby tomorrow? Baby in a few more days? Unknown!

Anyone else getting tired of listening to me wait? I sure am. I wish I had the brain capacity to discuss something else but I'm fricking tired.

I'm calling that 150 words. If anyone wants to dispute it I've got some choice cranky words.

Lum Love

2009-07-13T21:07:00.001-06:00

A smidge over six years ago, Liam gave me my engagement ring. The telling of that story is a blog entry in itself but suffice to say that we each tried to out-trick each other and when all was said and done I had threatened to hit him and then I agreed to marry him.

In just over a month, Liam and I will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary and it's got me reflecting on our relationship. In some ways it feels like the wedding was just last year and yet in other ways it seems like we've shared far too many moments for it to have been a mere five years ago.

Way back on August 21 2004, I made a promise in front of God, my friends, and my family. I knew that I really couldn't fully grasp the depth of what I was getting into but I knew it was something I wanted to experience. I'd grown up under the umbrella of my parents' marriage and I'd watched a few friends enter into new marriages, but in order to really understand the magnitude of it I would need to experience it for myself.

Looking back, my relationship with Liam is and isn't quite what I expected. It's more about partnership and less about romance, more about giving and less about taking. There are more dirty socks on the floor than I'd expected, but far fewer fights that I'd feared. On our wedding day my mind was filled with bright images of our home, our children, and sitting together in our rockers in 50 years. The reality, though, is that marriage is a lot more about sharing the multitude of small daily moments and knowing that no matter what, there's one person who will be at my side.

We've been through some highs and lows I never could have predicted but I have never once in these years wondered if I made the right choice. Liam has become a part of my life and central to who I am as a person in a way I never could have imagined. I have a deep sense of fulfillment at the pleasure of sharing my life and deepening my relationship with such an incredible person.

As a total side note, Liam, next month when my brain is full of new mom mush I'm fully retaining the right to print off this blog entry. Otherwise you just might be met with "Uh, hey guy. Liam, right? Yeah! Happy anniversary. I seem to remember liking you.".

Ho hum

2009-07-12T11:43:00.001-06:00

Waiting sucks. I'm not a particularly patient person at the best of times. When I get my mind set on something, I do it now.

So often in my daily life I have to tell myself to be more patient. Whether it's literally biting my tongue while Nick sputters and stalls his way through reading me yet another ridiculous story from his Ripley's Believe It Or Not book or standing beside the van while Lily scampers off to investigate the 3 million interesting things that must be seen before we can leave, I spend a lot of time trying to be more patient.

At least with the normal everyday waiting for things I can usually either foresee the end or at least actively do something to help things along. I can prompt Nick to pick up the story after he's muttered "Uhm, uh" or I can remind Lily that the sooner she gets in the van the sooner we can get to the park.

This waiting for baby thing though? Whole other ball of wax. There is no definite end date. There is no nudging or prompting baby to make the big leap. There is waiting. And waiting. And then waiting some more.

If I could go on about my daily life as usual I would likely feel much less impatient. As it is, I'm reminded every moment of the ginormous belly in front of me. My pelvis is doing something wonky the past few days and standing or walking hurt. As in getting up and walking across the house makes me cringe, hold my breath, and wish that I could pick up a bottle of spiced rum and numb myself to it all.

The kids want me to keep up to them with normal daily activities (which is totally valid considering that it's summer and they're kids after all) and I feel like I'm constantly disappointing them. No, I can't actually walk to the playground anymore. I can't help you to climb the monkeybars. I can possibly sit on the floor to play with you but I can't guarantee that I'll be able to get up again.

Baby, dear baby, come out. Your Dad wants to meet you. Your big brother and sister want to play with you. Your Mom wants to snuggle you and breathe in that intoxicating newborn scent. Your clothes are washed and in your dresser. Your cozy cloth diapers are all sorted and stacked. The new wrap sits quiet and folded, waiting to carry you around. The pool is filled. I'm trying to be patient and wait quietly, but you're more than welcome to come out any time now.

So there

2009-07-11T09:04:00.001-06:00

As anyone who knows me will confirm, I can be a little bit strong-willed. And when I say strong-willed I mean stubborn. And when I say a little bit I mean very.

I think I could fill a book with my childhood memories that involve me digging in my heels and causing my parents grief, from the time I peed my pants because I refused to admit that I had to use the toilet to the time I pulled my dresser over on myself trying to reach my pants in the top drawer.

These days, I don't throw my attitude in my parents' faces. Well, not as much anyhow. No, these days I have a bigger influence in my life: Liam. Liam, my dear and loving husband who not only puts up with the fact that I will indeed cut off my nose to spite his face but seems to love me all the more for it.

Conversations such as:

"You should read this book. It's really good."

"F%#* that."

or

"You should bring some water with you on your run"

"You should mind your own damn business"

come to mind.

So when Liam tells me I'm a good writer and I should write more, I dig in my heels and ditch my blog for a year. And when he comes up with a really nifty idea like a challenge of blogging every day for 31 days, I refuse to sign up even though I think it sounds like fun.

Don't ask me to explain. It's just the way it is, and if Liam can put up with me then life is good.

(Yes, my dear Liam, this is me signing up for your challenge.)

Some thoughts from the doorway

2009-07-09T22:48:00.001-06:00

I'm in a limbo, that vague unpredictable world of waiting for our baby to arrive. I'm now two days past my "official" due date, a number on the calendar I don't put a whole lot of stock in but which still served as a sort of compass point these past months. And so I sit and I wait. And my heart beats faster each time a contraction seizes me. And a not-so-small sense of disappointment settles upon me each time a subsequent contraction fails to materialize.

Emotionally, I have one foot in the "I can't wait to get this kid out and meet him/her" camp and the other in the "Birthing is huge. And kinda very intimidating" camp. Each day as I lumber around with all the various aching and stretched-out parts of my body hoping for relief, but then my mind tries to figure out how I'm going to cope with caring for a newborn on top of my full days. Baby come out. Baby stay in!

There's something very divisional about pregnancy in general. Throughout the 40 (or so) weeks, there's a part of my attention that's always focused inward at the growing person inside me. The awareness of the early flutterings and the later lurching rolls and kicks pulls on my mind while I'm driving, parenting, reading, eating. Always there's this split between the outward world and the private connection between baby and me.

Also, there is the further division of me as a mother. Four years ago I learned how to make the transition from being the mom of one to the mom of two. I'd never imagined that so much conscious effort would go into the daily balance of my energy between parenting both children. Now, already, the two older ones are sharing me with the baby as my energy drops, my patience shortens, and my ability to focus on nurturing them is cut back. Soon I'll be figuring out how to juggle caring for a baby while homeschooling, a process which I'm sure will be ongoing.

When Liam's mom passed away this winter I found myself in the midst of another type of divided awareness. Within me there was a new life, a growing spark. Around me was the suffering and an ending of a life. It was an intense situation and the loss of one so loved made the potential life expanding inside me even more precious.

I sit here in the doorway, looking back and looking forward and wondering when I'll get to pass through. I'm used to making plans and decisions, and this inability to say to baby "OK, today is the day you're born and this is how its going to go," is hard to accept. But maybe that's the point and maybe that's the lesson I need to learn before I get to proceed...

Top 25

2008-07-14T23:30:00.001-06:00

It's like a top 10 list, only there's 25 because I thought it would be a fitting celebration of the 25 lbs I've lost.

Why I like to run (AKA Why I don't stop when it hurts):

1. Weight loss. 25 lbs gone proves it works!
2. Leg muscles. I've got buff calves now, dude.
3. Running away from home. Running time is often my only alone time during the day.
4. Clothes shopping. I get to buy new stuff when my pants are falling off of me, and it's actually fun for once!
5. Running buddies. I run with a clown. Seriously.
6. More energy. I can almost keep up with the kids now.
7. Better overall muscle tone. I ache less now and my back is mostly happy with me these days.
8. Achieving goals. There are few things as satisfying as setting out to run 16K and coming home alive.
9. Mental clarity. Running makes my brain work better.
10. Improved mood. I'm happier now and feeling really good about life.
11. Runner's high. It's so goddamn addicting.
12. Better food choices. Running forces me to plan out my eating and I automatically make better choices on what I put in my mouth when I've worked so hard.
13. Setting an example for my kids, both of personal fitness and of self-care.
14. The big race day. My half-marathon next month is going to be a highlight of my year.
15. Liking myself more. I like the running Kim a lot more than the out of shape Kim.
16. Improving my health, especially in regards to my genetic predisposition to diabetes and high blood pressure.
17. I get to play with my Garmin! I beat that sneaky little Virtual Buddy this week.
18. I get to listen to my own music without having to turn it down every three seconds so I can hear why the kids are arguing.
19. Less PMS. Need I say more?
20. I have a good excuse for spending more time outdoors, and running in the mountains this summer was amazing.
21. I get to wear my cool new shoes. They're shiny and purple!!
22. I can now carry laundry from the basement up to the top floor without feeling like I'm going to die.
23. Watching my times improve each week.
24. A good run can fix a bad day.
25. It feels so good when I stop.

Updates updates updates!

2008-07-01T23:39:00.001-06:00

So since I've harassed Erron about not reading my blog I feel like I should actually post an update. Then it might actually be worth checking in!

First news, since I left things hanging in my May post, is about running. I'm still running and I'm running lots. I usually get in 5 runs each week and my long run this weekend is up to 16K. The enormous distance of 21K is almost within reach! The problems I was having with my right leg faded away with a lot of thanks given to the break I took in Chicago. Running only one 2K run in 12 days wasn't lazy, it was recovery time. Really!

Now I've moved on to a different leg and different pain. I've had a nagging ache in my left calf that some days keeps me from running or even walking normally but on other days seems to be non-existent. After getting really frustrated with dealing with this and wondering if I'd ever make it to my half-marathon next month I decided that it's mostly just a mental thing and I need to tell it to stop. It's another roadblock to my goal and I don't want it in my way. So, when I run I tell it to relax and loosen. When I'm sitting on the couch and it spasms I tell it to be quiet because it's not getting in my way. When I walk and it makes me want to limp I tell it that walking straight will stretch it out. And so far it seems to be working, in conjunction with ice baths after each run. Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've sat in a tub full of icy water.

Going hand-in-hand with the running is the continuation of my weight loss. I'm down 20 lbs since this winter and it's really quite nice. These past four weeks I've actually hit a plateau on the scale but I'm seeing a drop in inches so I know I'm still losing. Liam keeps telling me I'm gaining muscle and I just pout that my mental health needs to see the scale budge. I've been wearing clothing I haven't been able to fit into in quite some time though so there are definitely some perks to literally running my butt off.

My other running-related news is the recent acquisition of a Garmin Forerunner 305 with a heart rate monitor. I'd provide a link but I'm too lazy but you can Google it if you want to see a picture. Basically, it's a GPS wristwatch device that I strap on at the start of a run and it tells me how I'm doing. When I get home from my run I plug it into the computer and I get a fantastic readout of my heart rate, my distance, my pace, my elevation, and some other things I'm forgetting right now. There are lots of nifty features I haven't used yet such as programming in constructed workouts (like intervals or tempo runs) and the racing a virtual buddy thing. It's been really encouraging to have the instant feedback on my runs and to monitor my pace and heartrate as I'm exercising.

And in other news...we're finally spending time at home! Between a trip to Chicago, spring camp, camping in B.C., soccer season, rugby season, and my running we haven't been spending a whole lot of time in this building. I've really missed home. I've missed those spring evenings of playing with the kids in the backyard until they're covered in dirt and too tired to argue about bedtime snack. I've missed the sitting in the kitchen and doing crafts and the playing games with the kids instead of keeping them occupied while I get stuff done. Spring is always busy for our family but it seems like this one was even more so than normal, which is odd to think about when you consider our unschooling lifestyle. Or then again, maybe it's not.

I'm sure there are a million other little updates to post but I won't bore everyone with the details about moving furniture or trying out new recipes. Suffice to say that I am indeed still alive, still doing well, and still not blogging regularly.

Here and Now

2008-06-16T16:15:00.001-06:00

The moments flow, one sliding into the next.
Moments of joy.
Moments of tenderness.
Moments of fury so great they take up the whole world.
Reading stories on the couch,
Getting lost in worlds and times far from here.
Walking in the warm afternoon sun,
Going wherever sidewalk leads us.
Following threads of imagination
Into those places children sometimes let us witness.
Watching their little bodies sprawled in sleep,
Hardly able to bear their beauty.
Right here, right now.

Still running

2008-05-06T21:20:00.000-06:00

So for those (few) of you who read my blog and I don't talk to on a regular basis, here's the update on me and my leg. I took a couple of weeks totally off from running and then I did a short "test" run before the half-marathon clinic. Things felt not too bad so I plunked down my money and signed up for the insanity.

Since then I've had some good runs and some bad runs. On the bad ones I slow my pace down to a crawl in an effort to not make my leg worse and I try to focus on my posture and ignore the pain. On the good days there's only a bit of stiffness and it goes away during my post-run stretching.

All in all, things are going really well. I've been getting in 4-5 runs each week and my long runs are at 7 km right now. Combining all the extra exercise with paying closer attention to what I'm eating has resulted in some nice weight loss (6 lbs in the past two weeks making me 13 lbs lighter than a few months ago) and sometime this week I'm going to Old Navy with my hoarded gift cards to buy some spring clothing that fits.

I've been pondering tonight how I keep thinking about how I've just got back into running and I feel like a total newbie. Two of my runs this week (at my parents' place and by our condo) really reminded me, though, that although I'm just back at it again I've been running on and off for 10 years. It's a bit mind-boggling because I often think of my experience as being limited to my half marathon in 2002 and the 6 months of training I did for that.

Anyhow, that's what's going on in the world of Kim and running. I'll let you all know how running in Chicago goes next week!

What a difference a week makes

2008-04-12T15:01:00.000-06:00

I wish I'd taken a picture of my yard last week. I woke up to find that our spring had been buried beneath a growing blanket of fluffy white stuff. My laundry that I'd hung out in the afternoon sunshine the day before looked ridiculous with tiny snowpiles on hanging T-shirts and socks.

Today, it's a different experience altogether. I was sitting on the deck enjoying the sunshine and I had to come inside to change into a tank top and capris so that I didn't melt into a pool of springy warmth. Last week's snow is gone as are most of the piles of snow that accumulated all winter.

Another change from last week is more personal. Last Saturday morning, I ran my longest run of the year. I'd been planning to run outside but the sudden snow resulted in a change in plans involving the treadmill at Intuit. It was a fairly good run. My right leg had been troubling me earlier in the week and it started hurting again around mile 4 but only when I walked so I stopped taking walking breaks.

Anyone see where this is going yet?

Fast forward to today, and instead of completing another 6 mile run I hobbled around the block for a walk with Jack. It was my first real attempt to do anything resembling exercise since last week and it was a frustrating experience. A rather large part of me had been hoping that the pain and stiffness that has persisted all week would work themselves out if I just went for a walk. Nope. I limped and hobbled just as much at the end of the walk as I did at the beginning. I iced it when I got home and I'm just as mucked up now as I was this morning.

So. Ugh. I'd been planning on entering a half marathon clinic with my friend. It's nine days away and I can't even walk, let alone run, the starting distance. Maybe with another week of rest, another trip to the chiropractor, and a massage I'll be feeling fine in time but there's a growing part of me that's losing hope of meeting my goal of running a half marathon this summer. And that just kind of sucks.

Easter craftiness

2008-03-21T21:17:00.000-06:00

Today being almost the last possible moment to do Easter crafts, we cleared off the kitchen table and got out our crafting supplies. Before I could put away the spray bottle, though, Lily sat down with it and the comb to pretty herself up. As always seems to happen when kids and water are in the same place, our kitchen was soon a scene of complete mayhem.

Nick kept spraying himself in the face.
Then Lily would spray herself.
Sometimes Nick sprayed Lily, which she quite enjoyed.
Most of the time.

After a bit, we finally got the table dried off and the eggs pulled out. We put the pretty little tablets in the water and got ready for some eggy fun.

Dad even got in on the action with some crayons and dye.

Nick being Nick, he soon moved on from regular crafting to experimenting. My baster became a pipette for mixing colors. Lily quite enjoyed sticking foam cut-outs onto paper. She worked quite intensely for about 30 minutes. Note the look of concentration!

In the end, we had 7 beautiful and unique eggs, 2 sheets covered in foamy bits, and a sink fully of gross-looking water. Happy (almost) Easter!!!

The Business of Being Born

2008-03-02T09:09:00.001-07:00

Last night, I went to a screening of Ricki Lake's new documentary, The Business of Being Born. After having an unsatisfying hospital birth and then a life-altering homebirth, Ricki wanted to do something to educate and empower women in regards to homebirths and modern childbirth practices in North America. At first she looked into becoming a midwife but she realized that with the years of education required she would make a quicker and perhaps larger impact by making a documentary.

Edmonton's Association for Safe Alternatives in Childbirth (ASAC) hosted a screening at the Whitemud Crossing Library last night. I excitedly attended with some friends after having read many positive and negative reviews. The tiny theater was stuffed to the brim with people filling each seat and sitting on the stairs and stage while children around in any empty space they could find.

The documentary examines childbirth in North America and compares it to that in other countries. It highlights some significant statistics about the incredibly high cesarean rate in the U.S. (33% nationally, but as high as 40% in some hospitals) as well as the high induction and epidural rates. Also discussed are the relatively high infant and maternal mortality rates and the enormous amount of money spent on hospital childbirths.

The homebirths portrayed in the documentary were beautiful. Women were shown swaying, moaning, and cursing their way through labors, and babies slid out into their mothers' hands in bedrooms and bathtubs. Contrasting this was footage of both 1950's hospital births where women were strapped into beds during "twilight sleep" and modern hospital births where women's labors were managed with drugs and surgeries.

While I've felt for some time that natural childbirth is possible for the majority of women and healthier for both mothers and babies, this documentary got me thinking of birth more from more than just a physical point of view. One interviewee explained how that sense of "I just gave birth. Now I know I can do anything" in new moms is something that we all have the right to experience. When the vast majority of women are having labors that are artificially induced, numbed through epidurals, or even outright preempted through surgery, women in our culture are not experiencing the empowering and rewarding rite that has been a part of womanhood since time began.

Also discussed is the idea of how the hormones released during labour facilitate mother-baby bonding. The "love cocktail" as they call, it helps mothers to respond to their baby's needs and enforces the instinct to protect and nurture their child. If cesareans or inductions stop this hormonal surge from taking place, there can be ramifications in the relationship. The documentary draws a link between the high rate of disrupted bonding and the problems in our society.

I found this to be a very thought and heart-provoking documentary which presents a stark view on modern childbirth in North America. I think it has the power to reach many women and to really lead to a lot of questioning of modern birth practices. As women, we should be educating ourselves about childbirth and not simply going along with the status quo, thinking that putting all our faith in our doctors is the way to ensure the best results. Cesareans, inductions, pain relief, and other interventions are all very valuable tools which have their places in emergency or medically-necessary situations, but birth is a normal and healthy process which women have been experiencing since the beginning of humanity.

The Business of Being Born can now be seen through Netflix and will be available for purchase in May. Go watch it.

Making Mama proud

2008-02-28T22:23:00.001-07:00

My kids had a fight today. It was awesome. It went something like this:

Lily: And then he said no more five and then fifteen ("Reading" books out loud to herself in the playroom.)
Nick: Lily! I found The Runaway Pumpkin Book! Do you want me to read it to you?
Lily: No! I's reading!
Nick: I'll read The Runaway Pumpkin to you!
Lily: NOOOOO!
Nick: Here, I'll read it with you. Look.
Lily: No! NOO! I reading! And then he said no more five and then fifteen.

Nick then proceeded to read The Runaway Pumpkin as loud as he could in order to drown out Lily. Lily then "read" her book as loud as she could in an effort to drown him out.

My kids. The rebels.

Veggie-tastic

2008-02-26T08:37:00.001-07:00

So, you know that trait of preschoolers where they like to do the same thing over and over and over again? Yeah, Lily is thoroughly entrenched in that whole thing. Every time it's TV time she chooses Toopy and Binoo. She plays with the same baby ("I want my baby Rory!") every single day despite owning about 30 baby dolls.

The most grating of all, though, is her insistence for Veggie Tales music in the car. Now I have nothing at all against Veggie Tales themselves. Bob is amusing. Larry makes me laugh. There's nothing like the French Peas to set our whole family giggling. But the combination of a two-year-old wanting the same music during every drive and a car with speakers in the front only is enough to drive me batty.

At first we listened to Veggie Tales Worship Songs.
Although the song "Come, now is the time to worship" weirds Liam out a bit, the cd as a whole is pretty fun. The story is that there's a kid's choir whose rehearsal director can't make it for practice to Bob the tomato and Larry the cucumber step in. Larry makes a joke about how hard it is to get out of his seat belt without any hands, Bob teaches some Bible verses, and special guest Matt Redman sings a couple of songs with the kids.

By November, though, we were all (except for Lily) getting more than a little bit tired of hearing the same twelve songs over and over. While I was Christmas shopping at Blessings, I came across a Boyz In the Sink cd.

I was so excited! Now, the Boyz did a song on the Worship Songs cd, but we all thought it was a one-time deal. We had no idea that an entire band of veggies had been created on the side!

Equal to my excitement over a newly-discovered veggie band was my excitement over the prospect of having something NEW to listen to in the car. Eleven new songs? Well, technically six of them are remakes of original Veggie Tales songs, but they're pretty fantastic remakes that sound very little like the originals, none of which are on the other cd we own. The cheeseburger song is even a completely different story line so I'm not sure it can technically be considered a remake.

As I've listened to the Boyz cd fifteen thousand times, I've been struck by what a good cd it is. I will admit that I'd often like to turn it off (especially when Lily starts with the "I can't hear it. Turn it louder!") but it's not because the music is bad in a "If I have to listen to Barney laugh one more time I'm going to kill a small animal" kind of way.

I still haven't chosen my favorite, though Funky Polka is pretty darned fantastic. With Larry playing the tuba, some accordion music, and Junior squeaking out his lines, the song makes me laugh a lot. The original Moo Shoo song has always been a big hit in our house and the remake with Apollo Gourd joining in is equally as fun.

Lily's favorite, by far, has got to be the Belly Button song. With guest star Kirk Franklin, the song stops in the middle with the veggies singing "Belly button. Uh uh.". When Lily sings along it comes out as "B-button. Uh uh." Very very cute.

I'm really glad we've found some music that the whole family can enjoy, even if Lily enjoys it to an insane degree. But I guess, really, isn't that what being a two-year-old is all about?

Spring Sun!

2008-02-21T14:54:00.001-07:00

Spring is in the air. We're just a couple of weeks past our latest deep-freeze and already the snow is melting and the sun is making me think of my garden. Apparently the kids are thinking the same thing since this is what I found in my back yard yesterday morning.
Yup. They're outside in their jammies.

They went out while I wasn't looking. I was actually quite impressed that they lasted so long without coats or even socks. Lily did have an incident with some snow in her boots (that's what happens when you wear pretty boots instead of winter boots!) but she recovered fairly quickly.

This afternoon we got home from buying groceries and the sun out on the deck was very inviting. Nick took the little table and the chairs out while I made lunch. We ate sandwiches and strawberries in the sun.
Before long, the kids were down on the patio doing what kids to best: splashing in puddles!
Lily is getting quite good at splashing and was soon soaked from head to toe. Since she hadn't quite had her fill yet, she came inside and got dressed in something a little more appropriate for the activity.

I'm starting to feel like spring might actually be in sight. February, my least favorite month of the year by far, is almost over. Even though March is often far from balmy around here, it's somehow so much more bearable than even the last few days of February.

Lapbook a la grenouille

2008-02-04T20:00:00.001-07:00

So today the kids and I entered the wonderful world of lapbooking.

(If you don't know what I'm talking about, take a peek here.)

I'd heard of lapbooking before, but I didn't really have a real grasp of what it was until I came across a video this morning. Being a scrapbooking addict, I had to try it out. Nick watched the video with me and we set to work picking out a topic.

We decided to go with frogs as our first lapbook. I found some very neat printable books and Nick was quite excited as he's done his own pond study out at my parents' acreage for the past couple of years.

We started out with a few supplies: print-outs, a folder, scissors, and glue. (Note how "cool Lily" wears her hoodie.)

We cut. And we cut. And then we cut some more.

(No, Nick doesn't brush his hair. He's a homeschooler, don't you know. And the chaos in the background is the fort built out of couch cushions. Ask Liam how much he looooooves the couch cushion forts sometime.)

We also did some gluing. Lily love to be in charge of the glue stick.

Making the lapbook took up most of our day. I think it's because of the many interruptions, such as Lily's sudden burning desire to write in her workbook. She was kind enough to take a moment out for her adoring fans.

There was also the incident of the witch and the wizard invading the kitchen. Lily looks deformed in this picture but I couldn't post any of the other three I took because Nick and Lily riding the broom together looked dirty somehow. Poor kids.

As is typical in our home, the mess grew larger as the day progressed.

Check out my awesome usage of my (I mean Nick's) Usborne encyclopedias. I haven't spent all that time building up my Usborne business for nothing!
So the final picture for this entry was supposed to be a pretty little photo of the mostly-completed lapbook. The card reader on my printer, however, has developed a sudden dislike of my memory card and its light flashes red each time I ask it to upload my photos. I know, I know. I should just call Liam for help but he and Sandy Foster are sharing some quality time in the basement and I don't want to intrude.

Anyhow, imagine picture a beautiful and interactive lapbook on frogs with some blank spaces where the writing should go. Or don't, I guess, but that's not nearly as fun.

A day in the life of...

2008-01-28T13:14:00.002-07:00

Some days, I feel like I never get anything done because there's too much getting done in our home. For kicks and for your reading pleasure, I have documented and photographed the makings of my day. It's fairly typical of most days spent at home, other than the fact we didn't go outside because of the disgustingly cold weather.

And so...

8 AM - I wake up to Nick bumping me repeatedly in the back of the head. I try to ignore him as I work on getting Lily to sleep a little longer. Nick eventually wakes Liam up and goes downstairs to watch TV and eat some cereal.

8:15 - Lily is back asleep and I sneak out of bed. Liam comes upstairs to tell me that my friend Leah called to cancel our trip to the Telus World of Science because her son is sick. I'm a bit disappointed, but also greatly relieved not to have to brave the windchill of -46 with two kids.

8:30 - I eat some cereal and check my e-mails. Lily wakes up.

9 - We get dressed. The kids discover the newly-moved dress up box and try on Pokemon, witch, owl, and wizard costumes.

9:45 - Nick and Lily build card houses (well, Nick builds them and Lily wrecks them for the most part). When the furnace comes on both kids excitedly run to the vents to set up "floating cards".

10:30 - We do crafts involving bingo dabbers, paper, cardboard, and chalk.

11 - Nick loses interest in the craft and gets Liam's guitar out of the office. He experiments with strumming and the different sounds he can make by holding down different strings or letting them vibrate. He makes the music that plays when Mario gets a mushroom, and he checks on the piano to make sure he's playing the right notes. He also creates music for "Monkey Jungle", a video game he imagines would be really cool.

11:15 - I put out a plate of snack. I learn that you should not feed finger foods to a toddler who has just been bingo dabbing. I keep my fingers crossed that the blue pieces of apple and red pieces of cracker aren't toxic.

11:30 - We pull out our library books and read through a couple of books on ancient Egypt, our topic of the month. Nick relates them to various stories about Moses.

12 PM - I finally get sick of the dog hair covering everything and I enlist the kids' help to get the living room picked up. I then banish them to the couch as I vacuum so I don't run over any little toes.

(This picture, by the way, is proof that housework really can kill you.)

12:15 - I get lunch ready. Noting that the bread Liam started last night didn't actually rise at all, I resort to plan B: french fries and hot dogs. To ease my guilt over the relatively unhealthy meal, I also do up a plate of veggies and dip. Lily spends most of this time hanging around under my feet. Nick wants her to come play with him so he offers to play "Hit the Nick" with her. He knows that if she gets to hit him she'll be more likely to go and play.

(This is Liam's flat bread)

12:30 - We eat lunch. Nick talks about how the characters from Esther relate to the kings, queens, and jacks in a deck of cards. We discuss monarchies and the current British royal family. Lily does magic tricks with the cards (she flips over each one and declares it a king).

1 - I take Lily upstairs for a nap and Nick starts playing the Wii. After fifteen minutes of discussing the monkey Lily is convinced is living in our curtain, we come to the conclusion that today is not a nap day.

1:15 - Computer time for mom, Wii time for Nick, Lily is running amok.

1:17 - I get tired of Lily running amok and put on some Toopy and Beanoo on the downstairs TV.

2:30 - Lily gets tired of being alone in the basement and comes upstairs for a cup of milk and some company.

2:45 - I get Nick to turn the Wii of with (amazingly) no fighting. We all go downstairs to do laundry. The kids spend the first bit playing and Nick tapes up Lily's hand with masking tape, making her "Super Lil" who can do mega punches.

3:15 - Both kids suddenly decide that the washing machine is extremely interesting. I sit them on it and describe the various settings. Lily decides she's going to explain things too and shows Nick the setting that will "rinse your legs off". (Whatever that means)

4 - Laundry's done. I send some e-mails while the kids putz about. They get grumpy with each other so we all play with Marbleworks in the playroom.

5 - I realize that it's getting late and I re-heat some leftovers for the kids. I make the easy choice of going for an easy supper and the kids eat in the playroom while I read books to them.

5:30 - Where's Liam? I start making a casserole out of leftovers. I love my microwave.

5:45: Where's Liam? The kids are loud. I'm tired. I walk into the playroom to find that Lily's made a huge mess. I insist that they each put five things away before my head explodes.

6 - Where's Liam?

6:15 - Liam's home! The windchill of -40.9 hasn't turned him into a Dadsicle as I'd feared. He has time to get out of his outdoor stuff and pay a quick visit to the washroom before the kids are all over him. I hide in the office, hoping to get five minutes alone.

6:45 - The kids have slowed down in their "attack Dad" game and I come out of hiding. Liam finally gets to eat supper. (No, he wasn't eating the bingo dabbers. I'm just slow at cleaning.)
7 - Lily and I clean the bathroom. Lily takes a "dry bath".

7:30 - I announce that it's snack time. Nick points out that he never had his dessert he asked for at 5:30. The kids eat lollipops, the slowest dessert EVER.

8 - Snack is over. Multiple meltdowns have taken place. PJ's are donned, teeth are brushed.

8:20 - The little people are sleeping. Time to sit in front of a screen or scrapbook.

And there you have it.